Longevity

[mercator]

I wonder what the longevity of Sino-American marriages are. I admit my source is a shady one, a woman here in the US who immigrated from china about 10 years ago and divorced after 8 years... She and I wrote for a while and thought about meeting, but then stopped emailing me before I went to China and met my wife. She emailed to see how I was doing and so I told her. She thought i was crazy to marry a Chinese woman. I mentioned she was a Chinese woman and that she also immigrated to the US, so I asked for her perspective on things. A dubious resource, surely, but then I thought about it and most of us here are either not married (yet), newlyweds, or married < 5 years.

 

I'd be interested to hear more about long-lasting marriages and any tips on making it that far!

Edited January 12, 2006 by mercator (see edit history)

[ameriken]

Merc, here is an interesting appendix in the USCIS webpage about US-Sino marriages, pertaining more to the mail order bride industry. May be at least just a little bit helpful.

 

http://uscis.gov/graphics/aboutus/repsstudies/Mobappa.htm

[Joanne]

Well, I am qualified. We have been together for more than 13 years by now.

[tywy_99]

Mick comes to mind.

 

I'm happy to say that we've been married now for over 3 years and heading towards our 4th anniversary.

I know that has nothing on 13 years, Joanne, but who's counting anyways?........

[Joanne]

Mick comes to mind.

 

I'm happy to say that we've been married now for over 3 years and heading towards our 4th anniversary.

I know that has nothing on 13 years, Joanne, but who's counting anyways?........

181757[/snapback]

Right. I am not counting on it either.

[Dennis143]

Well, I am qualified.  We have been together for more than 13 years by now.

181741[/snapback]

And, your TIPS for having and keeping such a long and successful marriage are....?

[ameriken]

Mick comes to mind.

 

I'm happy to say that we've been married now for over 3 years and heading towards our 4th anniversary.

I know that has nothing on 13 years, Joanne, but who's counting anyways?........

181757[/snapback]

Joanne, Ty, what your secret?

 

We hear so much about what is wrong, it would be great to hear what is right !

[Joanne]

I have never analyze this in a systematic way. Would you allow me to give some thought a bit at a time?

 

Intercultural marriage, in some way, just like any other marriage. Marriage experts have told us to have mutual respect, understanding....In some other way, it is different. And, the different background of the two partners can be good or bad contributors to the marriage. It all depends on how you understand and deal with it.

 

To start the list:

 

My first thought is: "Never count on it". Don't assume that since you have been married for 10 years, you will stay happily together the rest of your life.

 

Give each other space. Don't try to emerge two into one. It is easier for our inter-cultural couple to avoid complete synchronizing partner's activities, thoughts and actions, just because obviously it is impossible. However, not every married couples realize this.

 

Respect each other's value system. The way of thinking and judging good from bad has been built into our mind solidly. Even though as two live together for years and with all that interchange between, we can step closer to each other, but we still receives outside influences from our different group of friends and families.

 

To elaborate this idea a little, as I previously have written about my troubled thoughts on not being able to support my aging parents. Most Chinese weighs the family a lot heavier than Americans, I mean, we consider our parents, siblings more than Americans. It is easier for the couples themselves but it is not easy when both side of families are involved. Imagine how your American relatives will think if you let them know that your wife is sending money to her parents periodically or in a large sum? This is the reason why I alway wanted to work. It is easier for me to send the money I earn (not because my hubby refuse to do it, just my own feeling).

 

A lot of mutual understanding.

 

A lot of trust.

 

Don't expect your relationship will stay the same way thoughout the years. It will change/evolve.

....

 

Sounds like an expert giving advice? I don't mean it. Just my two cents worth.

(I've got to go now, will add more if some other points occur.)

[frank1538]

I take it from your question that you mean married to the same person for more than 5 years. I've been married all my adult life, just not to the same woman. Jingwen and I have been together for longer than our "official" two years.

[Mick]

Li and I will soon be entering our ninth year together. I will write more on why our relationship works so well when I have more time (I'm on deadline at work right now). Suffice to say for now, the two of us not only love one another deeply, but we respect one another, support one another, and, very importantly I think, we encourage one another.

 

More late.

[Trigg]

Ive only been married 21 months this time--but it seems like five years!

[Stone]

I have been married for more than five years, but it has been nearly ten years since I first met my wife. Both my wife and I are Chinese (technically I am called Chinese American. That is why I filed IR1 for my wife). Thus we think alike most of the time.

 

Here are my thoughts: the longer our marriage, the deeper our love. From my marriage, I have learned a lot of lessens and become much more mature, as days go by. Reading stories on CFL also helps. When I got married with my wife in 2000, I could not leave my wife behind and come back to the States. So I stayed and lived with my wife for four straight years in China (those become my precious memory!!!). Now I live lonely in the States, so I just concentrate myself on work, and also spend a lot of time here on CFL. When my wife and my son come here, I will be happy again.

 

Paul

[Dennis143]

I have been married for more than five years, but it has been nearly ten years since I first met my wife.  Both my wife and I are Chinese (technically I am called Chinese American.  That is why I filed IR1 for my wife).  Thus we think alike most of the time. 

 

Here are my thoughts: the longer our marriage, the deeper our love.  From my marriage, I have learned a lot of lessens and become much more mature, as days go by. Reading stories on CFL also helps.  When I got married with my wife in 2000, I could not leave my wife behind and come back to the States.  So I stayed and lived with my wife for four straight years in China (those become my precious memory!!!).  Now I live lonely in the States, so I just concentrate myself on work, and also spend a lot of time here on CFL.  When my wife and my son come here, I will be happy again. 

 

Paul

182085[/snapback]

Gee, I sure hope your family can join you soon, Paul. You have a good family here too, to help you through any tough times. Hope to hear more from you too.

Dennis

[ameriken]

Hey, thanks to everyone here posting some positives on marital success.

 

I have seen too many discouraging threads about divorce, scammers, etc and those threads seem to have a negative energy that takes on an endless life of its own.....

 

......it would be wonderful if everyone can continue to post their good experiences here and let their positives multiply into success for others...............thanks again ! Ken

[Dean Hall]

My wife and I have been together now for 7 years and married for 3.

 

I have wanted to write about our happiness for sometime now, but have been waiting to finish everything and get the green card. Then I feel like I can really open up.