a personal view of event of Ring and PJ

[Guest TryToBeFair]

PJ,

 

Like most of people here, originally I was shocked and felt overwhelmed sympathy to you. Undoubtedly, you have every reason to feel betrayed, to be angry and to try to strike back. You are pure-hearted and with integrity and with principle as well. You are also generous and tolerated to any opposite view, so that I can post this message here.

 

Let us go through the facts I learned for you about Ring.

 

She is not married to anybody, as you confirmed with her parents. It is normal in China when unmarried couple calls each other “husband” or “wife” before marriage. It just expresses some intimacy. I am calling and referring my fiancée as “wife”, and she is doing me as “husband”. Many of my friends did the same things.

 

She was not plotting a marriage with you for the purpose of devoicing you later and sponsoring her lover to USA, at least not at the beginning. You met and had a relationship with her long before she met that man. When you sponsored her, she might want a real marriage with you in the “better world” than she had in China. A person who does plotting would so some research and know the basic fact that it is impossible for a K1 girl to do such thing. (It at least needs 3 years to get citizenship. A person whose citizenship was required by marriage need to wait additional 5 years to be eligible to sponsor marriage-based visa. Considering the processing time, we are talking 10 years before she could get her “husband” here).

 

Raised in China, and been lived in USA for years, I can picture a story, among all possible ones, that she is not necessarily evil.

 

Many girls in China want to come to USA and marry an American man, even though they know very little about the culture and language.(Imagine she were already in USA, would she be as easily approachable as she was in China?, be realistic). However, I believe that the majority of them want to a real marriage with a foreign man in a foreign country. Ring is one of them. You could love her mainly because that she was young and beautiful. In standards of both China and USA, her appearance is on top 5 %. However, you know very little about her language and her culture and she knows very little about your language and your culture. The gaining from long-distance communication between you and she was very limited. A man can immediately love a woman by her appearance, but a woman usually needs concrete intimate communication, beyond through award foreign language, to establish a real love.

 

An attractive girl like Ring would have a lot of admirers. I guess that Ring might not have a stable job to kill her time. It was not beyond imagination that she got involved with someone when she could not get something she need from you at that. She might not choose to do it, but it just happened.

 

At that time, her visa had been issued. Her family naturally want her come to USA and want her marry you. She did want to live in a better country and she might think that she might forget her man in China and fall love with you once in a different country. After all, an unsupported long-distance love would not last forever.

 

However, after arrived in USA, nothing fits her. She could not speak the language you speak. She could not go outside to do window-shopping or anything by herself because she can’t drive. Her friends and her family are thousand miles away. Everything is completely different. She could not do anything that she could do in China, except for internet and phone. As result, they got connected again through your well-prepared home network.

 

It could be a different story if you did not discover the truth so soon, or if even after discovery you gave her a chance by helping her to pull back herself. There were so many classic stories in China and western worlds as well that forgiveness ends up great love. Technically, you and Ring had not started a real relationship in a real world, like many interracial net lovers. That might be a reason that she did not feel that she betrayed your relationship since she had not started one with you yet. After knowing the truth, You could regard every thing as her past and could make attempt to obtain relationship with her during 90 days pre-marriage trial period, when you could actually see the person, and communicate with through so many different ways beyond language. For example, you could stop her habitual way to obtain her emotional needs (stop home internet access and phone number), while at same time provide all possible emotional support, and assist her in language and culture challenge. It was possible that she would pull herself back in the real world. After all, you have so many characters that are admirable to girls. You could regard that as a chance to win your love, that you had all advantages over some guy in China.

 

PJ, I respect you and I could feel the pain you have. I actually had a minor car accident on Friday when my mind was occupied with your sad story. However, you made a decision too quickly without finding out what was really happened. You sent her home before her parents told you that she was not married anybody.

 

You have a power to control this site to violate the policy of this forum to expose her personal information. However, she is not here to explain and defense herself. You know even a murder has its right of defense. I know that you post the message without bias, without fabricating anything, nor hiding anything. But your own view might be not necessarily complete.

 

She might be selfish and childish, but I do not see evidence that she is evil. She might just want a backup man when she went to see a foreign man in an unknown land. The truth had hurt you extremely, and the fact that she maintained two choices when she had gotten engaged one was not very moral.

[PJ]

Try...

 

You are correct, and I thank you for having the courage to make this post. I really took your post and your words to heart.

 

*sigh* You are also right that I have too much power on this site.

 

I can see that now, and I appreciate your bringing it into my full understanding. It is important for me not to abuse that power.

 

I have removed the photo, and the information, and closed a number of the threads. They will now sink into the history of the site, just as this incident will sink into the past for both myself and for Ring. I hope we can both go our separate ways and have good and productive lives.

 

Perhaps things might have turned out differently had I not made this discovery so early. However, I strongly believe that, given her willingness to compromise her integrity, that she would ever have been a suitable wife for me.

 

As you said, I could have "turned off Internet and phone access for her". However, I do not feel that trying to control and manipulate her would have been the answer.

 

In truth, given everything that I know now, I would not have done anything differently. It is unfortunate and tragic, but given my views on morality, this was the only answer, sending her back home. I know it was probably difficult for her to come here and to not speak the language or be able to drive. And I was willing to be patient with her in all these things. But I expected her to make an effort as well, and one expectation I always had was that she would not betray me in such a manner. I even did have a talk about "flirty girls" i.e. "churi5-bein1 leuri5" and she always assured me she was not, that she was trustworthy and faithful.

 

As a result, I feel that my expectations were clearly expressed, and if this was not acceptable, she should have informed me she fell in love with someone in China and would be staying. That, I could respect. Plotting, (even if it didn't start out that way) to use me to come to the U.S. was not something I could ever accept.

 

So in conclusion, I do not regret what happened, or the decisions made. I do realize now that I need to remove the photo/info and am doing so.

 

Thanks,

 

P.J.

[AZwolfman]

Correct me if I'm wrong, P.J., but are you not attempting to bury this topic? I notice two topics are closed. If I am right, you should close this one before it goes any further.