He understands his mistakes

[NUWORLD]

Bear with me folks, I'm on my iPhone posting this.

I'll update this better when I get to a real computer.

 

Talked with bob the other day and he understand his mistakes and will

Try to fix and make amends.

 

Though I have told him many times he need to communicate more often with Jen (his wife) only for the fact he only sends a email maybe once a week and not much live on QQ.

 

I have told both on them they need to learn a little of each others language. It's like talking to the wall.

 

I have one question for ya all.

Would the lack of commication be a problem with the visa process in today's world?

[Mick]

I have seen it work both ways over the years. With some, the communication issue never comes up, even though neither party speaks the other's native language. On the other hand, you have situations like Carl's, where they ask for a video tape of the petitioner speaking five minutes in Chinese. I think it just may be luck of the draw in terms of who you get as a visa officer.

 

A point of clarification: is this the same fellow we were talking about in the other thread? The one with the recent DUI? If so, are they already married? For some reason, I thought he was going to apply for a K1.

[NUWORLD]

 

A point of clarification: is this the same fellow we were talking about in the other thread? The one with the recent DUI? If so, are they already married? For some reason, I thought he was going to apply for a K1.

 

Yes, Mick it is the same guy (Bob) from the other thread.

 

They are already married.

Got married this past May in Chongqing and will be going for CR1/IR1.

 

Though Bob understands he has made some mistakes and will try his best to get things

back in order.

 

The only thing now is waiting for his court date for the 4th DUI.

Not sure what the judge will do this time around.

I'm sure a little jail time.

[Mick]

Thanks for the clarification. I don't know why I thought it was a K1 - must be gettin' senile -

 

Will surely keep Bob in our thoughts and prayers. It is like so many have already said, he has to truly want to get better and he can, indeed, do so with the help of others. If he is an alcoholic ( and four DUIs sure screams loudly that he is), then abstinence from the sauce is the basis of recovery, but it isn't anywhere near the whole enchilada. There is a world of difference between being "dry" and being "sober." Most often, a dry drunk is harder to live with than an active drinker. Sobriety involves some major life changes, starting with the way a person thinks. It is going to take time and he is going to need a lot of support. If the judge puts him in the slammer, that might keep him dry for awhile, but it won't do much in terms of getting him sober. I would rather see the judge MANDATE treatment, followed by at least two years of aftercare and active involvement in AA. Personally, I think that would better address his needs. Just my two cents.....

[tsap seui]

Good plan Mick.

 

tsap seui

[credzba]

Bear with me folks, I'm on my iPhone posting this.

I'll update this better when I get to a real computer.

 

Talked with bob the other day and he understand his mistakes and will

Try to fix and make amends.

 

Though I have told him many times he need to communicate more often with Jen (his wife) only for the fact he only sends a email maybe once a week and not much live on QQ.

 

I have told both on them they need to learn a little of each others language. It's like talking to the wall.

 

I have one question for ya all.

Would the lack of commication be a problem with the visa process in today's world?

 

NuWorld,

 

You have always been reasonable and logical in your posts.

I cannot believe you have to encourage this guy to talk to his wife more than once a week!?!

 

That is NOT a marriage. Many people here started out without a common language, but they made it work, and I can guarantee they talked more than once a week without any outside encouragement.

 

For all kinds of reasons, I can see why you don't want to call this failed, but it is either failed, or on the fast-track to failure.

The Chinese woman will definitely loose face over this failure, and being your sister-in-law will include you in her shame.

BUT, continuing to try to mend this does not seem like a wise thing for any person involved.

 

If all she wants is her green card, and then divorce the guy so she can live with her sister .. I can understand that, but (at least in private) be honest about it.

 

I know Tsap and Mick and others have said don't "kick this guy to the curb" because of his drinking problem, but sorry I disagree. Not just because of the drinking problem, but combined with the communication issue.

 

HE is making his drinking, and communication decisions. His wife is trapped in a situation where she has no good choices.

Divorce him and cut her losses leaves her disgraced in China, can't visit her sister, and divorced ... aka used merchandise.

Stay married, she at least can move to America and hide her shame, but she is faced with no income ability, a man who doesn't want to communicate with her, has a drinking problem, and possible financial impact from legal costs.

 

If I was her (or you if she was a sister-in-law I cared about) I'd be planning the escape route. This is a story that has many possible endings, but the majority of the ending are not happy.

[Mick]

Credzba, I didn't mean to give the impression that I think this relationship, as it presently stands, should continue. All I meant to say was that I hope that Bob can get sober eventually. That, and his legal problems, is his No. 1 priority. He has no business, at least right now, trying to establish a relationship with this lady. It is not in her best interest nor in his best interest. For some reason I thought this was a fiance, not a wife. The fact that they are already married tends to make the situation more complicated. I think, at least from the lady's perspective, this is a lose/lose proposition. You spelled it out pretty clearly I think - divorce equals lost of face, continued distance from her sister, and decreased chances of finding a husband in China. If they somehow get the visa, she is going into a situation filled with difficulties and marked for disaster it seems.

 

NuWorld, you know the situation better than I do. Do you really think this is a legitimate relationship and worth continued involvement?

[NUWORLD]

Ya know, This is what i love about this forum.

Were all here to help each other and give our own opinion.

I/we all understand there are road blocks along life's journey down this visa process.

 

Some have it more easy than others and then some have to jump through many hoops.

This is where I'm at now, Again!!

 

I have been here on this forum for many years and have seen and heard of the hardships

and the ups and downs of our members.

Just go back and search for MY posts while going through this crap of tons of paper work and the hoops i had to go through.

It was some what easy for me/my wife but we still had to overcome a blue slip, More hoops!!

 

Here i go again getting off topic, So lets take a few steps back and get on topic again.

 

Credzba: Very well said and to the point, I respect your opinion and will take it as someone looking out for a fellow members well being. Thank you!

 

Mick: A very good question.

 

 

NuWorld, you know the situation better than I do. Do you really think this is a legitimate relationship and worth continued involvement?

 

Let me say this first.

I love my sister and i say this only for the fact that i never had a sister before.

This is why i do not call her my sister in law.

She is my baby sister and i love her and would do anything to protect her no matter the cost.

 

Mick: I have been thinking about this question for some time now.

I have discussed this with my wife and with Jen (baby sister) and the subject of calling it off has come up more than once.

Yes, I know more about what's going on than what i post here.

We all know the forum has ears and can and does get to the wrong people.

 

Though I do have some control over this process.

I'm the one doing the paper work and filling everything

Once i found out about Bob and his 4th i put a STOP!!! on everything.

Nothing has been filed and WILL not be filed until he gets his shit together.

That's just the way it's going to be. period!

 

Look at it this way, We all have made mistakes at some point in our lives.

Shit look at me, I screwed my life up big time years ago and i fixed it and still got my wife here.

There are at least a dozen or more members here on CFL that had it rough at some point (Legal problems) and there wives are with them now here in the states.

(As tsap always says, You always get the visa, Ya just have to put up a good fight and not quit.)

 

Yes, Bob needs help, A lot of help!

IMO: with the support of family and friends and the legal system and god willing he will make it.

Lets give the guy some time and space and time will tell.

 

Next subject: Losing face?

 

This is just my opinion and what i see in my Chinese family.

Were in the 21st century and many things have changed from years ago.

Now if we where talking about Hong (My wife) older sister today? Yes Losing face would come into play.

But today were talking about baby sister and i will even include my wife.

 

I'll start with my wife, She was married once before and then divorced before meeting myself.

The family never liked her first husband and when the divorced came there was some issues but they let it go.

Then i came along, Mom and dad where not to happy thinking some American was going to steel my daughter and take her away.

Well long story short, I gained there respect and all is great now.

 

Baby sister: She too was married before with a added bonus, She has a son.

You guessed it, divorced.

The family, No big deal, As long as your happy.

 

So IMO: The moral of the story and the generation gap that i see in my Chinese family.

Losing face is not a issue.

Edited August 15, 2013 by NUWORLD (see edit history)

[Mick]

You are a good man, NuWorld. I think the love you have for your sister (if I may also call her that) is not only admirable, but also increasingly rare in these days when people are often self-absorbed. Right now, she needs someone in her corner as she tries to process and understand what is going on with her husband. I don't envy your situation, though. It must be difficult being stuck in the middle of such a sticky situation that was complicated by Bob's recent adventures.

 

I hope I didn't offend you in any way with my question about the legitimacy of the relationship. It just seemed that there were a lot of missing pieces in the puzzle. I agree with your decision to put a screeching halt to the paperwork, at least until it becomes more clear what Bob's future is going to look like. One thing for sure - you can get a lot of support from the community here. Feel free to PM me anytime if you like.

[NUWORLD]

You are a good man, NuWorld. I think the love you have for your sister (if I may also call her that) is not only admirable, but also increasingly rare in these days when people are often self-absorbed. Right now, she needs someone in her corner as she tries to process and understand what is going on with her husband. I don't envy your situation, though. It must be difficult being stuck in the middle of such a sticky situation that was complicated by Bob's recent adventures.

 

I hope I didn't offend you in any way with my question about the legitimacy of the relationship. It just seemed that there were a lot of missing pieces in the puzzle. I agree with your decision to put a screeching halt to the paperwork, at least until it becomes more clear what Bob's future is going to look like. One thing for sure - you can get a lot of support from the community here. Feel free to PM me anytime if you like.

 

 

Thanks Mick.

Thought time will tell of the outcome.

 

But there seams as though one on here thinks this is all my fault.

[tsap seui]

Great thread. Great guys.

 

Two important people here....

 

Lil' Sister

Bob

 

I hope the best for both of them, and Mike and his family.

 

tsap seui

[credzba]

 

But there seams as though one on here thinks this is all my fault.

 

 

If that was my comment, it is not what I meant at all .. just my poor choice of words.

You are trying hard to pull a diamond out of the muck, and I respect you for trying.

 

I fear your good intentions will leave you with the blame for something you did nothing but try you best to help.

 

I acknowledge you have no fault in this at all, but I fear you may end up with the blame.

Too many times I have seen irresponsible people try to blame the people who try to help .. (sounds like a car accident scenario in China doesn't it ?).

 

Anyway, I wish you the best, and even more I wish the best for your little sister.