The Face Dance

[Guest ExChinaExpat]

It's been a few weeks since I've posted as I continue to seek medical treatment to heal my leg injury. It's been a long road and over 18 months of challenging experiences with Chinese medicine and hospitals. The short answer is Chinese medicine has made huge strides in the last few years, but it is not even close to the international standards available to civilized countries. There are just too many people and not enough doctors. I will leave China soon, and go to Australia to receive several months of treatment at a hospital in Sydney.

 

In the midst of this, my employment continues, and also my cultural experiences. My frustration level has peaked many times with the endless tap dancing regarding 'face.' The face thing is a mysterious behavior by many Chinese people to avoid confrontation when things do not go according to plan. Never admit fault, blame someone else, or even better, attribute it to a 'misunderstanding'. I can dance this waltz most of the time, but get deeply annoyed when it's plainly obvious to me that someone is in the wrong and it affects my life. Taking responsibility is woven into American culture, and when rules and regulations are violated, whether on the legal or personal level, the assertive American seeks an apology, explanation, and plan on how it can be avoided in the future.

 

I had a lighter side experience with this mysterious phenomena recently while traveling to a neighboring province and arrived late in the evening. My train was late, and I was forced to stand for most of the four-hour train ride. Standing is especially difficult due to my leg injury, and after about 20-minutes, my foot begins to swell. But, I managed to survive the ride, and took a taxi from the station to the hotel. I was hungry, and stores and restaurants were all closed in the immediate area. But, I noticed the hotel provided room service until 12:00 midnight. It was 10:20PM, and I called the front desk to order some food from their rather extensive room service menu. The reply on the other end of the line, "Oh, so sorry. Cook is gone." I paused and thought of saying bad words in Chinese, but refrained. I said, "But, you are supposed to serve until midnight. I am very hungry, can you get someone to prepare something to eat for me?" They replied, "So sorry sir, cook has left. There must be some misunderstanding."

 

I've had numerous experiences with the tag-line, 'misunderstanding' and like the other experiences did not see how this had anything to do with a misunderstanding. The signs at the front desk, the literature in the room all stated, "Room service available until 12:00 midnight." I wanted to stomp, yell, pound on counters that they needed to fulfill their obligation, but I already knew it wouldn't help. The cook was not there, had gone home, and to them, that was the end of it. So, I went back to my room, heated some hot water, and proceeded to prepare and eat one of the 'fast noodle' packages in the room.

 

I did have the option of pushing this and seeking the desk help to contact the hotel manager to get food. But, the chances of finding a snot-ball in my noodles were very high. To me, the face thing is one of the more annoying aspects in China culture, whether dealt to me by a merchant, relationship, employer, or co-worker. Choose your battles? Stand your ground? When is enough, simply enough? An endless supply of patience I do not have. I'm not in Rome. There must be a misunderstanding.

 

Edited May 3, 2012 by JiangsuExpat (see edit history)

[A Mafan]

Probably if you would have offered 10 RMB to the front clerk, she would have had her brother or husband get you something from a nearby place for you.

Or for 20 RMB they would have cooked something personally for you.

 

Dealing with the Chinese takes lots of flexibility. Sometimes there is no solution. But sometimes the solution isn't what you expect. You have to be willing to explain your intent, and not be fixated on only one outcome.

 

"Then what do you suggest I do?" doesn't always work...but it works often enough that it should be a go-to tool in your inter-cultural toolbox.

[david_dawei]

Yes, the games people will play... but what we may call a game is cultural to them. I play along sometimes and use it to some naive advantage just to test the waters. One I got used to was that most chinese will refuse some offer... but if you keep pushing after, say, the third refusal they will surrender their game of face to let you keep some face. So I'll push 2 times and stop; if they are that stuck on refusing a simple offer then Game over since I don't care about the face issue at times.

 

The "room service until midnight" is easy to understand... and one well versed in documentation can realize that their messages are not a misunderstanding; they are simply incomplete. In dealing with the chinese and it's language, it is paramount to fill in the gaps... In this case, the sign means: "[if the cook is here] there is room service until midnight".

 

I do agree that the whole face thing gets taken too far and gets mixed up into too many issues but it is how they live and it is SOP for them. I find both sides of it interesting: Their inability to break out of it and the americans inability to break out of their own need for an apology or explanation. It ultimately reveals something about them and ourselves; that both sides of the ocean have their cultural expectations which are hard to let go of.

[Guest ExChinaExpat]

Probably if you would have offered 10 RMB to the front clerk, she would have had her brother or husband get you something from a nearby place for you.

Or for 20 RMB they would have cooked something personally for you.

 

Dealing with the Chinese takes lots of flexibility. Sometimes there is no solution. But sometimes the solution isn't what you expect. You have to be willing to explain your intent, and not be fixated on only one outcome.

 

"Then what do you suggest I do?" doesn't always work...but it works often enough that it should be a go-to tool in your inter-cultural toolbox.

 

I sometimes go to the 'what do you suggest I do' option, but not very often; especially when they are pissing me off. For example, crossing the street this morning on the way to work, I made my way to the traffic light, and waited for it to change. It's a very busy divided road with a parkway in the middle. I did my usual practice of looking left and right, up and down before crossing the sidewalk. Everyone knows that when the light changes that motorbikes and bicycles ignore it, and continue. That in itself can be very annoying, because when it's really busy, you cannot even find a gap to get across and miss the light. However, this morning, I made it across the first half, and then over to the other side, where a bus had stopped very close to the light and curb. It was impossible to see around the bus, but experience tells you that motorbikes are coming. So, when I got to the bus, I peeked around and thought it safe to continue. Then, as if by magic, a speeding motorcycle driver, talking on his cellphone tried to make his way between the curb, me, and the bus. There was no room. I put my hand out in front of me, because giving him an NFL clothesline seemed a little too severe.

 

He did stop, and I held onto his bike, and would not let him proceed until he made eye contact with me. I was not about to ask him what he suggested I do, but I was fully ready to tell him what I felt like doing to him. It may be because I have adopted it as my personal mission to not allow someone to save face when they clearly live in the wrong column.

 

Regarding giving the clerk at a nice hotel a few bucks to feed me, is not something I would have done in this case. That would simply validate their BS. Before doing that, I would take a taxi and go get something to eat at an extended hours food store. I think it's very important to let Chinese people know that it's not okay to take advantage of you, which is why I made sure the hotel manager knew about the room service incident the next morning.

Edited May 4, 2012 by JiangsuExpat (see edit history)

[Guest ExChinaExpat]

Yes, the games people will play... but what we may call a game is cultural to them. I play along sometimes and use it to some naive advantage just to test the waters. One I got used to was that most chinese will refuse some offer... but if you keep pushing after, say, the third refusal they will surrender their game of face to let you keep some face. So I'll push 2 times and stop; if they are that stuck on refusing a simple offer then Game over since I don't care about the face issue at times.

 

The "room service until midnight" is easy to understand... and one well versed in documentation can realize that their messages are not a misunderstanding; they are simply incomplete. In dealing with the chinese and it's language, it is paramount to fill in the gaps... In this case, the sign means: "[if the cook is here] there is room service until midnight".

 

I do agree that the whole face thing gets taken too far and gets mixed up into too many issues but it is how they live and it is SOP for them. I find both sides of it interesting: Their inability to break out of it and the americans inability to break out of their own need for an apology or explanation. It ultimately reveals something about them and ourselves; that both sides of the ocean have their cultural expectations which are hard to let go of.

 

[A Mafan]

That would simply validate their BS...I think it's very important to let Chinese people know that it's not okay to take advantage of you,

 

This sounds a little bit like a "face" obsession, too.

 

Do you really think it is your mission to educate the wogs into the way "civilized" people do things?

[Guest ExChinaExpat]

That would simply validate their BS...I think it's very important to let Chinese people know that it's not okay to take advantage of you,

 

This sounds a little bit like a "face" obsession, too.

 

Do you really think it is your mission to educate the wogs into the way "civilized" people do things?

 

Certainly not. But, I surely won't give a clerk money to help me with something that has already been paid for. I vote with my feet. It's a battle not worthy of fighting or validating. Simply go down the street and give money to those who don't have a condition attached of screwing you first, and then asking you to pay for it.

[A Mafan]

That would simply validate their BS...I think it's very important to let Chinese people know that it's not okay to take advantage of you,

 

This sounds a little bit like a "face" obsession, too.

 

Do you really think it is your mission to educate the wogs into the way "civilized" people do things?

 

Certainly not. But, I surely won't give a clerk money to help me with something that has already been paid for. I vote with my feet. It's a battle not worthy of fighting or validating. Simply go down the street and give money to those who don't have a condition attached of screwing you first, and then asking you to pay for it.

I was thinking more of the cyclist on my question.

But you certainly have the right to give your patronage to those who give better service.