What's more important seeing the living or the dead?

[griz326]

As I said in the other thread, Lao Po's mom is declining. My belief has always been that I want to see you while you're alive and decent shape. I see no sense in funerals. So as a result, I presumed that I should send my girls back to China ASAP to see the aging family.

 

 

At our card game last night, my buddy, who did quite a few years in 'Nam said, funerals are very important over there and suggested that my premise might be wrong. He said that I'd be sending the girls over for every funeral and that going there to see them when they are alive wouldn't count for beans.

 

 

Does anyone know for certain?

[Randy W]

As I said in the other thread, Lao Po's mom is declining. My belief has always been that I want to see you while you're alive and decent shape. I see no sense in funerals. So as a result, I presumed that I should send my girls back to China ASAP to see the aging family.

 

 

At our card game last night, my buddy, who did quite a few years in 'Nam said, funerals are very important over there and suggested that my premise might be wrong. He said that I'd be sending the girls over for every funeral and that going there to see them when they are alive wouldn't count for beans.

 

 

Does anyone know for certain?

 

 

Yes - your wife. Why would you ask us?

 

I can't see that anyone's opinion would be more important than hers.

 

I've seen a lot of weddings around town, but I've never even heard of anyone going to a funeral.

[griz326]

I ask here because talking about death is "inauspicious;" my wife simply will not discuss such things - period, exclamation point, the end. She won't budge on that.

[dnoblett]

I ask here because talking about death is "inauspicious;" my wife simply will not discuss such things - period, exclamation point, the end. She won't budge on that.

Kind of like giving a clock as a gift.

[Randy W]

I ask here because talking about death is "inauspicious;" my wife simply will not discuss such things - period, exclamation point, the end. She won't budge on that.

 

 

I would guess then that going to see them while alive would be preferable - that would seem to be the only option in her view.

[A Mafan]

For my wife, while they are living is better. But being there for Grave Cleaning Day is pretty important to her, as well.

And Yatou has also said that actually being there as her Grandmother passed was also very important to her.

[Kyle]

I would agree w/ A Mafan. For my wife, she'd rather be there before a family member passes. Jingjing would however want to be there after the passing, not really for the funeral itself, but to be a support to other friends and family members

[A Mafan]

Two "rules" apply here:

Family is more important than anything.

An older generation is more important than a younger generation. (generally speaking)

 

My wife has never asked to go back for grave cleaning day, but she has never missed one when she is China. So far, no one has passed away while she was in the US. It just happened that her last living grandparent (mom's mom) passed while I was in Iraq and she was back home with the folks.

She never asked to go back when it seemed like her cousin might die in childbirth complications...but I think the fact that I offered multiple times was appreciated.

 

Hope that helps.

[griz326]

I've tried a dozen ways to get her to talk about this, but nothing, so I appreciate the comments.

 

[A Mafan]

Also, you should tell her to go back.

If you don't, she may mark it down in her heart that you don't care about her family, or about her seeing her family. If she refuses, it may just be their form of politeness, i.e., refusing precisely because she does want to. So if she refuses, tell her again.

 

With this in mind, it might work to say something like, "your parents are aging; you should go see them...who knows when you might have another chance?" You aren't mentioning death or dying, but your intent to give her a chance to see them again should make your meaning clear without touching on superstitious taboo.

 

Then again, my wife seems to have no concept of tempering her words in case they are the last words ever said between her and someone else. So maybe they simply don't want to think about death/dying at all until they actually face it.

[griz326]

I like the "...who knows when you might have another chance (to see them again)?" That might get a more positive response...