Gift giving

[weiaijiayou]

First her friend told her to offer your sister a gift,she was kind of jealous because she thought that's between you and your girlfriend,she didn't want your attention on her friend.

Second,she told her friend that she had broken off contact with you,that meant she didn't trust neither you not her friend enough.you got to talk to her see why she was so worried and why lied about a little thing.building a trustful relationship in the first place is very important.

I agree this could be the reason -- as jin979 said, СÐÄÑÛ, people can be narrowly analytical and overly sensitive when it comes to relationships between their spouse and those of the opposite sex.

 

A similar thing happened to me when I first met my wife. My roommate and I met a girl at a restaurant who basically wanted to spend time with me to practice her English. It was the kind of situation where you get a name and number, put it in a book or a bag somewhere, and find it years later thinking ¡°Who in the world is this?¡± But not this time. About a month later, it was winter, and my roommate and I were getting dreary and bored. We were getting sick of seeing our own ugly faces and those of our male friends. One day I suggested that we call this girl Ping and see if she wanted to play Chinese hackeysack. She did. When she showed up, we found that she brought her classmate, who was learning Korean. Since my roommate was Korean, Ping brought her along to keep my roommate occupied while she talked to me in English. This didn¡¯t work out as Ping planned, and I¡¯m now married to the classmate.

 

To this day my wife does not like to talk about or think of Ping, and I know the feeling is mutual. Over the past couple years we've gone to visit my old roommate a few times, who is still friends with Ping. When we come across Ping we feel like she blames us for something. Like I was hers and my wife stole me, or like I did something wrong for getting closer with my wife but not keeping in touch with her, the person who originally introduced us (accidentally). This is just one example of how people get protective over others and how disagreements and bad feelings can easily get generated when there's business going on between two women and a man. This could possibly ring true for your situation and help explain it.

[timb]

There is no doubt that my gal felt threatened

by Lina.

 

A co-worker and good friend once told

me he felt it's the way men and woman

think. When a man sees a woman he likes

but she is already with someone, he will say

"I want a girl just like that", but when a women

sees a she likes, she will think "I want THAT man"

[weiaijiayou]

When a man sees a woman he likes

but she is already with someone, he will say

"I want a girl just like that", but when a women

sees a she likes, she will think "I want THAT man"

haha, didn't chris rock say that in a stand-up?

[timb]

Hmmm.. I didn't ask him where he got that. Perhaps.

 

When a man sees a woman he likes

but she is already with someone, he will say

"I want a girl just like that", but when a women

sees a she likes, she will think "I want THAT man"

haha, didn't chris rock say that in a stand-up?

[yuan fen]

There are many complexities with this relationship that I didn't understand until now. I'm not quite sure why my gal think she needed "Lina",

Confidence... scared... insecure... security... pick any one and it will do.

 

I really don't think 'why' matters much... I think it was just the natural thing for her to do at the time.

 

 

Tim,

 

There will be many times things don't make sense.

 

You came back after the Original Post saying you received "some clarification."

 

Interpretation of what is going on can be very difficult sometimes, trust me, I have been there many times.

 

 

I think David has a good point.

 

"I think it was just the natural thing for her to do at the time."

 

 

 

David,

 

I have seen this many times in my own relationship.

 

Is it okay? Is it not okay?

 

Life seems to move on as if it were no big deal at times.

 

When it has happened, the result is not that we are going to die over the matter. In most cases it has a lot to do with.

 

Geeezzzz..

 

Do I even dare say it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Face"

 

 

 

 

 

There, I said it.

 

 

 

Is it Good/Bad?

 

Suppose what is right in your mind, life, or your beliefs would answer that.

 

Tim,

 

I may be off on a tangent here. But have you ever had any conversations with your girlfriend regarding "Face?"

 

"Good face" or "No good face?"

 

Gifts, friends giving gifts.............. she not making the guesture first..

 

I could see it, sure.

 

Saving face.

 

 

Again, not that this has any relevance with your opening topic. Just sounds familiar.

 

 

 

I'm sure you are the "Prime Grade A Husbands" ......

 

Ask your girlfriend if "Lina can be wife #2, but be very clear first that she must only cook, clean, do dishes, and wash clothes...."

 

 

I am looney, don't listen to me.... I get all these weird visions too.

[weiaijiayou]

Hmmm.. I didn't ask him where he got that. Perhaps.

 

When a man sees a woman he likes

but she is already with someone, he will say

"I want a girl just like that", but when a women

sees a she likes, she will think "I want THAT man"

haha, didn't chris rock say that in a stand-up?

apparently there's a wiki of chris rock stand-up and this was in there (from his 2004 routine "Never Scared"):

 

"Women hate women. You get any two girlfriends in this room, been girlfriends for twenty five years, you put a man in between them ¡­ 'f&$% that b!%@#," " f&$% that b!%@#.' Guys are not like that. Guys actually think that there are other fish in the sea, and if a guy introduces his boy to his new girlfriend, and when they walk away, his boy goes, 'Oh man, she's nice, I gotta get me a girl like that.' If a woman introduces her new man to her girlfriend, and they walk away, her girlfriend goes, 'I gotta get him, and I will slit that b!%@#'s throat to do it.' Every girl in here got a girlfriend they don't trust around their man."

 

My favorite part of that routine is his advice about what married men should do when they wake up in the morning. Very funny, and also rather good advice.

[timb]

Um, what should they do first thing in the morning?

 

Hmmm.. I didn't ask him where he got that. Perhaps.

 

When a man sees a woman he likes

but she is already with someone, he will say

"I want a girl just like that", but when a women

sees a she likes, she will think "I want THAT man"

haha, didn't chris rock say that in a stand-up?

apparently there's a wiki of chris rock stand-up and this was in there (from his 2004 routine "Never Scared"):

 

"Women hate women. You get any two girlfriends in this room, been girlfriends for twenty five years, you put a man in between them ¡­ 'f&$% that b!%@#," " f&$% that b!%@#.' Guys are not like that. Guys actually think that there are other fish in the sea, and if a guy introduces his boy to his new girlfriend, and when they walk away, his boy goes, 'Oh man, she's nice, I gotta get me a girl like that.' If a woman introduces her new man to her girlfriend, and they walk away, her girlfriend goes, 'I gotta get him, and I will slit that b!%@#'s throat to do it.' Every girl in here got a girlfriend they don't trust around their man."

 

My favorite part of that routine is his advice about what married men should do when they wake up in the morning. Very funny, and also rather good advice.

[shadeOgray]

It's all do to her concept of "Face" in one aspect or another. I notice Chinese women tend to be very competitive about there husbands like were a nice car or something. Always looking to see if her friend has a nicer car which generally turns into possessiveness and trying to out brag each other always concerned with what the other has and what the other thinks of there situation. It's generally one big sticky mess I try not to think about because it gives me a headache. Just accept it for what it is and forget about it.

 

God help the woman that looks even remotely interested in me or asks too many questions, they may loose an arm. Ok Ting is too cute for that but they will get an Tinkerbelle type hurmph! and be totally ignored in the future. In general she is very concerned about what others think, I¡¯m trying to break her of this habit but I feel it will be a long road.

B)

[yuan fen]

I do think so.

 

Ever been to a "Get 'em Together."

 

"Wo Lao gong...."

 

"Ni Lao Gong..."

 

 

 

But, yea.

 

 

 

Change of subject.

 

 

"Chris Rock?"

 

Co worker watches too much TV.... eh, but so do I.

 

 

Not all women are like that, and it should be taken as no generalization.

 

 

 

But anyways, some things we see, or preceive to be similar.

 

I know Jie has said she wants me to have a girlfriend, she would like to meet her, but then she also makes clear that the "ha ha ha" (with karate gestures) are clear.

 

Tim,

 

I think it is good that she told you what she told "Lina"

 

Even though, at least she told you.

 

You clearly see it made her uneasy.

 

Write it down.

[Guest Pommey]

It's all do to her concept of "Face" in one aspect or another. I notice Chinese women tend to be very competitive about there husbands like were a nice car or something. Always looking to see if her friend has a nicer car which generally turns into possessiveness and trying to out brag each other always concerned with what the other has and what the other thinks of there situation. It's generally one big sticky mess I try not to think about because it gives me a headache. Just accept it for what it is and forget about it.

 

God help the woman that looks even remotely interested in me or asks too many questions, they may loose an arm. Ok Ting is too cute for that but they will get an Tinkerbelle type hurmph! and be totally ignored in the future. In general she is very concerned about what others think, I¡¯m trying to break her of this habit but I feel it will be a long road.

 

 

face is everything, not a habit that can be broken

[weiaijiayou]

Um, what should they do first thing in the morning?

I didn't want to post it before because it's almost totally in foul language:

"Fellas, when you wake up in the morning, you should look yourself in the mirror and say: 'F--- you. F--- your hopes, f--- your dreams, f--- your plans. F--- everything you thought this life was going to bring to you. Now let's go out there and try to make this b---- happy.'"

It's much more amusing to hear it from the lips of Chris Rock and to see his expressions, though. I remember watching this routine on the plane on the way over to see my wife last spring. Good laughs.

 

I'm curious if someone can explain to me how they think "face" is still coming into this in light of Timb's revelations about the "many complexities with this relationship that I didn't understand until now." Maybe my understanding of "face" isn't very good but just saying "it's because of face" doesn't really seem to be explaining anything for me. For me face sort of has two related meanings, one of them being a person's dignity (in a socially defined way) and the other being a kind of social status or standing and the behaviors that recognize and uphold that. I don't see how concerns about either of these would come into play between two friends in this context. Can anyone use any specifics to enlighten me or explain what they mean by "it has to do with face"?

[shadeOgray]

Um, what should they do first thing in the morning?

I didn't want to post it before because it's almost totally in foul language:

"Fellas, when you wake up in the morning, you should look yourself in the mirror and say: 'F--- you. F--- your hopes, f--- your dreams, f--- your plans. F--- everything you thought this life was going to bring to you. Now let's go out there and try to make this b---- happy.'"

It's much more amusing to hear it from the lips of Chris Rock and to see his expressions, though. I remember watching this routine on the plane on the way over to see my wife last spring. Good laughs.

 

I'm curious if someone can explain to me how they think "face" is still coming into this in light of Timb's revelations about the "many complexities with this relationship that I didn't understand until now." Maybe my understanding of "face" isn't very good but just saying "it's because of face" doesn't really seem to be explaining anything for me. For me face sort of has two related meanings, one of them being a person's dignity (in a socially defined way) and the other being a kind of social status or standing and the behaviors that recognize and uphold that. I don't see how concerns about either of these would come into play between two friends in this context. Can anyone use any specifics to enlighten me or explain what they mean by "it has to do with face"?

You have the idea but remember it's also about "Perspective and social norms" That govern one views and reactions to "face situations".

Your SO is from a totally opposite society so what we may consider loss of face and how to handle the said loss of face, she may have a totally opposite spin on. What may be loss of face for her may be no big deal for us and that is almost always the case. There are several complexities dealing with loss of face that will take years to learn and you will probably never understand it 100% because it's been my observation that some Chinese don't even understand it 100% either

All you can do is take some aspirin and pay attention.

 

Or a shot of kicken chicken and don't

Edited September 19, 2009 by shadeOgray (see edit history)

[timb]

This topic came up again. I feel my girls English was getting a bit better so I inquired about the exact discussion between her and Lina. I asked her why she felt she must lie to Lina, and what the lie was, and was it to save face.

 

She said no, it was not to save face. She was very clear in that she did not like Lina, and that Lina was a Gold Digger. She felt that Lina was turning her attention to me, rather than the man she was already talking to because she found out he didn't have the money she originally thought.

 

She basically told Lina that her and I were finished because I didn't have much money and that in itself, would keep Lina away from me and being interested in me.

[weiaijiayou]

This topic came up again. I feel my girls English was getting a bit better so I inquired about the exact discussion between her and Lina. I asked her why she felt she must lie to Lina, and what the lie was, and was it to save face.

 

She said no, it was not to save face. She was very clear in that she did not like Lina, and that Lina was a Gold Digger. She felt that Lina was turning her attention to me, rather than the man she was already talking to because she found out he didn't have the money she originally thought.

 

She basically told Lina that her and I were finished because I didn't have much money and that in itself, would keep Lina away from me and being interested in me.

Glad you got it resolved. It was starting to sound more and more like this kind of situation as your posts went along. Sometimes it's a man-woman thing and not a Chinese-Western one...

[david_dawei]

This topic came up again. I feel my girls English was getting a bit better so I inquired about the exact discussion between her and Lina. I asked her why she felt she must lie to Lina, and what the lie was, and was it to save face.

 

She said no, it was not to save face. She was very clear in that she did not like Lina, and that Lina was a Gold Digger. She felt that Lina was turning her attention to me, rather than the man she was already talking to because she found out he didn't have the money she originally thought.

 

She basically told Lina that her and I were finished because I didn't have much money and that in itself, would keep Lina away from me and being interested in me.

Glad you got it resolved. It was starting to sound more and more like this kind of situation as your posts went along. Sometimes it's a man-woman thing and not a Chinese-Western one...

I guess it's only resolved if Lina is TRULY after Tim... and if she's not... then someones a bit delusion or jealous in a scary way.