Getting my house in order

[jkobman]

A lot of this is opinion, but take what happened to my friend and use it as food

for thought.

 

My friend passed away 2 weeks ago. Our wives are both Chinese and have both been in the US about 3 years. Thankfully, he got wills drawn up, an Advanced Medical Directive (no life support beyond pain meds) and give a family member Power of Attorney. He was fighting cancer, "ran out of gas" and died. I am heartbroken, but also happy because he is out of pain and in a better place.

 

I am 52, my wife is 42 - she will probably outlive me. I will get my house in order, and the sooner the better.

 

Here are some things I have thought about - things that are important that we do for our spouses:

1. Make sure you have a will. This was a tough one for my wife. She thought I was going to die. I had to explain that this is a wise thing to do in the US. Now, she understands.

2. Be sure that your wife has some understanding of your family finances - banking, insurance, bills, investments, etc.

3. Get her a savings and checking acct. in her name. I am surprised how many of the financial transactions in China are cash transactions. I am so used to my Visa card and checkbook. It took my wife a while to get with the program.

4. Get her a driver¡¯s license. My wife had to overcome the fact that the Virginia Driver's test is only in English. She took the written test 3 times, learned to drive (with me) and then took the driving test 2 times. Where we live, a driver¡¯s license is a must - too far to walk, and limited bus service. She is now a good driver.

5. Take time to explain buying important things - tires, auto and health insurance, etc.

 

Now, controversy (and again, my opinion)...

6. Help her to establish credit. A low-limit Visa/MC in her name, or a personal loan at the bank and then repay it over 6 months.

7. Get her in to ESL (English as a Second Language) classes. They are usually available through the schools, a church or a community center/YMCA. I did not order CCTV (which I really enjoy, I can't speak Chinese, but I like it) because I wanted her to learn English. Everything here in Virginia is in English. Besides, she can call her family/friends in China for 2.4 cents with our phone card.

8. She got a job as soon as she got her Green Card. At work, she must talk, listen and learn in English. She now has a better job - more hours, a much better company and a future.

 

My thinking was and is to get her prepared to take care of herself. She will outlive me and I do not want her to be ill prepared. She has come to America, wants to become a US citizen. She needs good English skills and learn how to live successfully as an American.

 

My friend who passed away called us to the hospital at 3 a.m. one Saturday morning. He asked me "please take care of my wife" as he held my hand and stared me down. I looked at him and said, "I will - you are my friend." He died the next day at 8 p.m. I will keep my word to my friend - she will need help with her finances, getting a driver's license, making sense of the life insurance, etc. All of this has made me remember what the Preacher said at the funeral, "Get your house in order."

 

I do not mean to ramble or put a negative spin on the holidays, but search your soul. Again, I am opinionated about these things, and again apologize for ¡°preaching.¡±

 

Thanks again guys for listening to me.

[LeeFisher3]

There is no time like the present to take care of your family, while none of us knows what will happen tomorrow it is important to be sure that those you love are able to cope with a bad situation without needing to worry about how to cope with life in the US alone.

 

One thing that helps is explaining how the US and Chinese laws are different, especially when it comes to your estate. It's not preparing to die as much as it is protecting your families finances from being taken away, probate costs a small fortune.

[Robert S.]

Thank you for this advice. I am sorry for your heartbreak about your friend.

[Rakkasan]

Thank you for your post. You are absolutely right, in that our affairs must be in order. I was diagnosed with cancer in May of this year. I was warned that my Oncologist was very good, but if I didn't want to hear the truth I should find another doctor. In our first meeting he said "With the type of cancer you have the average life span is 9 months, only 5% of people make it 1 year, we are going to bust our butts to beat these odds, but get your affairs in order.

 

Your guidelines are helpful. Although Zhen and I are not married yet, I immediately contacted my attorney with instructions on establishing a 20 year trust for her should I die before her arrival in the U.S. This way I know that regardless of what else occurs in her life she will be financially secure in China with the option of taking the principle amount at the end of 20 years or rolling it over and continuing to live off the interest.

 

My family understands that if I should die shortly after her arrival what steps will be necessary to assist her in establishing herself in the U.S.

 

Having a Will in place along with guidelines for establishing a Trust for her financial security are of major importance to me. Although I do not expect her to arrive any sooner than late spring 2007, I have already begun looking for ESL classes for her, in January I will pay for her driving lessons in China where she will be able to easily question her instructor, I will purchase a Moped for her to use until she feel comfortable with a car. I had originally thought about getting the Great Wall package for her to watch CCTV, but through reading various posts I think continued easy exposure to her native language will only delay her assimilation and hinder progress with ESL classes.

 

Your advice about exposing her to banking, credit cards, debit cards etc. is something I hadn't thought of, thank you again.

 

From the start of our relationship I knew she would outlive me and I knew I had to prepare her for a life on her own, I just never thought that life on her own would occur so soon.

 

Thanks again for your post. Please express our condolences to your friends wife from everyone here at CFL.

[tywy_99]

I remember reading a similiar post that hit on the same points you made about getting your house in order. I can't remember who made the post but it was a post that made you think, just like yours.

Thanks for the words, Jeff. They are definitely "food for thought."

 

My condolences for the loss of your friend.