Friendship between male and female

[david_dawei]

Always an interesting topic..

 

I think there is a difference between the cultures in this regard... but I do think that all cultures have a bit of 'cultural brainwashing', if you will permit this without so much negative connotation. What is taught, expected and accepted in one culture is going to differ from another.

 

I recall my SO telling me of growing up, to alway think of every child around her as a brother or sister, and I see that still in her and in little children in china (calling each other mm or gg). Also, that her school classes were only girls vs only boys. That girls did not really expected to mingle or talk with the boys that much. Even touching a boy for any reason was off-limits.

 

The only guy friend I can say that my SO has is really a fun, loving guy. She still chats with him. I meet him a few times and agreed to look at a software problem he had with a program... But I wondered whey never dated... she says, "he is a boy always". And one can easily see this.. he is just too fun loving.

 

At least in Baoding, this seems to have fostered the making of incrediblely well adjusted children and adults in regards to men and woman. There are simply no 'hangups' about the sexual issues so prominent in the US about opposite sex friends.

 

I think that people should have whatever friends they want. I do without any problem. I guess I am not looking at a female as an object of sex.. Usually the woman friends I have been close to, I do have more a 'sister' feel for.. But I do acknowledge that particularly in the US, this is generally not a good thing due to the inability of people to keep their libido under control.

 

And to me, this last point is often on my mind: Why has the west created this atmosphere that is not as prevelant as in the east ?

 

 

Past threads:

 

SO and Friends of the Opposite Gender, Regarding girl/boy "friends"

http://candleforlove.com/forums/index.php?...0936&hl=friends

 

 

friends of the opposite sex, should there be rules?

http://candleforlove.com/forums/index.php?...7654&hl=friends

[Guest ShaQuaNew]

And to me, this last point is often on my mind:  Why has the west created this atmosphere that is not as prevelant as in the east ?

 

166049[/snapback]

American men can be some of the most insecure in the world. They often flip out from paranoia that their partners don't love or respect them, are cheating, or thinking of cheating.

[Dennis143]

Come on let's get real and stop trying to color coat how the world should be and start talking about how it is.

 

I agree that there's a huge cultural difference in the mindset between how the opposite sex is viewed, between China and the US. David's pointed out how Chinese grow up viewing each other as their brother or their sister. So, let's take a look at how we in the US are exposed to gender. And,we don't really need to think about this very long. We all know that we are bombarded with images of women as objects of men's desires for sex. Sure, I have many female friends. However, none are undesirable to me. Certainly, I can chat with them for hours and be their friend if they should ever need my help. But, I am still driven by my desire to bed them.

 

Testosterone is the hormone of sex. This is what nature gave men. This is what drives the world. To just sit back and pretend that you do not have these natural urges and drives is hogwash. Those of you who tell me that your desire to seek an Asian wife was merely to find a good friend are hogwash too. The underlining drive that causes us to seek a mate is our desire to find someone who is sexually desirable, someone, whom we can have sex with frequently. And, sex is only enhanced by the quality of that relationship. And, the quality of the relationship is only enhanced by communication. And, the communication is enhanced through understanding, love, and patience. And, the only reason we will give her our understanding, love and patience is to have sex. Period!

Edited November 4, 2005 by Dennis143 (see edit history)

[Guest ShaQuaNew]

And to me, this last point is often on my mind:  Why has the west created this atmosphere that is not as prevelant as in the east ?

 

166049[/snapback]

American men can be some of the most insecure in the world. They often flip out from paranoia that their partners don't love or respect them, are cheating, or thinking of cheating.

166066[/snapback]

I forget to mention that many of these same Americans are easily threatened, defensive, and have a need to prove themselves....

[se_lang]

"When Harry met Sally"

http://cdn.nflximg.com/us/boxshots/large/60000226.jpg

[Joanne]

Thank you, David, for the links. Didn't know this topic has already been discussed twice in CFL.

 

From what I have read here, I realize that, this is indeed a difficult topic. Everyone has their own definition of "friendship".

 

Think about it. I am not able to define "friend" clearly myself. I can think of the following quality for my friend:

- being interested in my well-being

- enjoy being together with me, alone or with a group

- share interest in a range of topics, but don't have to be agreeable

- is willing to help when requested, however in my own case, I would rather keep the relationship pure

- can trust and confide to (on a range of topic)

- provide different viewpoints when facing difficult choices

....

I also believe that a friend is not someone you feel attached to, and long term commitment is also not necessary.

 

I think, in order to keep marriage healthy, one need to have friend (roughly defined above) from opposite sex. Because wife and husband's interest are so bonded together, at times, they both fell in the same mental traps, so they need friend to point a way out. Men and women's approach to problems are usually different, you would need to hear from both sides. Particularly, when comes to communication problems between a couple, friends from the opposite sex can offer valuable advices.

[Tom]

"When Harry met Sally"

http://cdn.nflximg.com/us/boxshots/large/60000226.jpg

166100[/snapback]

http://observer.guardian.co.uk/focus/story...1593217,00.html

[se_lang]

"When Harry met Sally"

http://cdn.nflximg.com/us/boxshots/large/60000226.jpg

166100[/snapback]

http://observer.guardian.co.uk/focus/story...1593217,00.html

166105[/snapback]

A sniplet for the article

 

Snip.......

She admits to being surprised by the Cosmopolitan findings, suspecting that men are probably not being entirely truthful.

 

'I've seen many men who've said they are just friends with someone, only to later discover that they have in fact slept with the person,' she says. 'Guys often just don't acknowledge it.

 

'Because the female continues to be friends with them it somehow seems to cancel it out. I think their perception of what it is to be friends is different from women's. The parameters are different.

 

'There will always be exceptions, but often men think that sex is included as part of a friendship.'

 

Snip......

[Guest ShaQuaNew]

I think, in order to keep marriage healthy, one need to have friend (roughly defined above) from opposite sex.  Because wife and husband's interest are so bonded together, at times, they both fell in the same mental traps, so they need friend to point a way out.

 

 

Men and women's approach to problems are usually different, you would need to hear from both sides. 

 

 

Particularly, when comes to communication problems between a couple, friends from the opposite sex can offer valuable advices.

166101[/snapback]

Joanne, my father was a particularly abusive man toward my mother, both verbally and physically. He was troubled when she interacted with other women, and would have flipped had she ever talked to another man.

 

While the culture in America has changed a bit since the 1950s, there are still many men and women that feel threatened when there partner takes time to spend with friends and others.

 

Some couples are completely content to have a mutually exclusive relationship whereby there is NO interration with others without there partner included. It's unfortunate but understandable that this simple issue often leads to major problems between couples.

 

One should be able to initiate their own litimus test as to whether or not they are happy with how their partner perceives their outside activites in friends. For me, I would find it intolerable for ones partner to interrogate or otherwise forbid friendships and outside fun....

[LeeFisher3]

Come on let's get real and stop trying to color coat how the world should be and start talking about how it is. 

 

I agree that there's a huge cultural difference in the mindset between how the opposite sex is viewed, between China and the US.  David's pointed out how Chinese grow up viewing each other as their brother or their sister.  So, let's take a look at how we in the US are exposed to gender. And,we don't really need to think about this very long.  We all know that we are bombarded with images of women as objects of men's desires for sex.  Sure, I have many female friends.  However, none are undesirable to me.  Certainly, I can chat with them for hours and be their friend if they should ever need my help.  But, I am still driven by my desire to bed them.

 

Testosterone is the hormone of sex.  This is what nature gave men.  This is what drives the world.  To just sit back and pretend that you do not have these natural urges and drives is hogwash.  Those of you who tell me that your desire to seek an Asian wife was merely to find a good friend are hogwash too.  The underlining drive that causes us to seek a mate is our desire to find someone who is sexually desirable, someone, whom we can have sex with frequently.  And, sex is only enhanced by the quality of that relationship.  And, the quality of the relationship is only enhanced by communication.  And, the communication is enhanced through understanding, love, and patience.  And, the only reason we will give her our understanding, love and patience is to have sex.  Period!

166075[/snapback]

While there are many who will agree with your description, I will not accept that just because we have hormones we must be a slave to them. Too many people are willing to accept a premise of this type to justify behavior.

 

Just because someone's father is an alcoholic does not demand that they become one as well, at some point it becomes a matter of choice. The easy way out is to claim it is in my nature and claim that you have no option. By doing so you have made a choice.

 

We are either thinking and reasoning people or we are no better than a stray alley cat and deserve to be treated as such.

[Dennis143]

Yes Lee, we all have choices. And by reading my post, it may sound as if I am simply yeilding to my sexual urges. Quite the contrary, I understand these innate feelings and constantly keep them in check. By being aware of what drives me, I do not become a slave to them. To try and hide the fact that I am a normal man who have natural feeling, desires, urges and impulses would only cause confusion and, possibly, allow me to become a man without a moral compass.

 

You state: "Just because someone's father is an alcoholic does not demand that they become one as well, at some point it becomes a matter of choice. The easy way out is to claim it is in my nature and claim that you have no option. By doing so you have made a choice." You make this analogy by equating man's natural and biological needs as the same as an abusive behavior? Because we have basic needs, therefore they must be considered abnormal behavior? It is only unatural, if we act on urges that do harm to others. But, what good does it do to ignor what drives us?

 

Men ARE biological and chemically different than women. To ignor these difference, is to just bury your head in the sand and pretend that everyone is the same.....Kumbaya....

Edited November 4, 2005 by Dennis143 (see edit history)

[drive_75]

Come on let's get real and stop trying to color coat how the world should be and start talking about how it is. 

 

I agree that there's a huge cultural difference in the mindset between how the opposite sex is viewed, between China and the US.  David's pointed out how Chinese grow up viewing each other as their brother or their sister.  So, let's take a look at how we in the US are exposed to gender. And,we don't really need to think about this very long.  We all know that we are bombarded with images of women as objects of men's desires for sex.  Sure, I have many female friends.  However, none are undesirable to me.  Certainly, I can chat with them for hours and be their friend if they should ever need my help.  But, I am still driven by my desire to bed them.

 

Testosterone is the hormone of sex.  This is what nature gave men.  This is what drives the world.  To just sit back and pretend that you do not have these natural urges and drives is hogwash.  Those of you who tell me that your desire to seek an Asian wife was merely to find a good friend are hogwash too.  The underlining drive that causes us to seek a mate is our desire to find someone who is sexually desirable, someone, whom we can have sex with frequently.  And, sex is only enhanced by the quality of that relationship.  And, the quality of the relationship is only enhanced by communication.  And, the communication is enhanced through understanding, love, and patience.  And, the only reason we will give her our understanding, love and patience is to have sex.  Period!

166075[/snapback]

So true. It is all about sex wheather people admit it or not.

 

Back to original topic, my gf and I had dinners with 4 of her friends and then got so jealous about everthing from me laughing at their jokes to making eyes contact with any of them when they talk to me. One of her friends told her she likes me, so now my gf will not introduce any of her friends anymore. Although I assured her that if I really intend on cheating, I would do it with someone she doesn't know.

[david_dawei]

start talking about how it is. 

 

166075[/snapback]

how it is [in the western part of the world], sucks !

 

And when are you going on your GUZ trip? Maybe not soon enough

[david_dawei]

Thank you, David, for the links.  Didn't know this topic has already been discussed twice in CFL.

 

From what I have read here, I realize that, this is indeed a difficult topic.  Everyone has their own definition of "friendship".

 

Think about it. I am not able to define "friend" clearly myself.  I can think of the following quality for my friend:

- being interested in my well-being

- enjoy being together with me, alone or with a group

- share interest in a range of topics, but don't have to be agreeable

- is willing to help when requested, however in my own case, I would rather keep the relationship pure

- can trust and confide to (on a range of topic)

- provide different viewpoints when facing difficult choices

....

I also believe that a friend is not someone you feel attached to, and long term commitment is also not necessary.

 

I think, in order to keep marriage healthy, one need to have friend (roughly defined above) from opposite sex.  Because wife and husband's interest are so bonded together, at times, they both fell in the same mental traps, so they need friend to point a way out.  Men and women's approach to problems are usually different, you would need to hear from both sides.  Particularly, when comes to communication problems between a couple, friends from the opposite sex can offer valuable advices.

166101[/snapback]

I agree with you...

 

Maybe best to give us your eastern perspective in more detail as to why eastern woman don't sense this [threat of] sexual urge from eastern men.. and they appear to have normal friendships.

[mercator]

I have female friends and some I would say I find attractive and some I do not. I do not know if I am driven by sexual urges in friendship (never thought about it, nor acted on it), but I have friends that are ex-girlfriends that I have had sex with. I did notice that once I got married, they have been in far less contact with me, so the 'other motives' may work for people in both genders.

 

If my SO wanted to hang out with friends who were male in China, I would have no issues with it, because she usually goes out in groups anyway, her preference. She would not, as a married woman, go out with a man alone she said. I know this because I had a translator go with us during my time there and she was not comfortable being alone with him, unless other family members or people were with her. And this man is her friend, that is why we chose him to be our translator.

 

If I went out with a woman alone my SO would probably not say anything to me, but would find it inappropriate. I would not go somewhere alone with a woman now that I am married, whether she is married or not. Further, when I was single, I would not typically go somewhere alone with a married woman. I did once, but it was very uncomfortable for me because it didnt seem right.

 

Again, I think it is a cultural or how you were raised issue, that may well have its origins in biological responses

Edited November 5, 2005 by mercator (see edit history)