am i wrong to marry a western guy?

[Trigg]

II will also advise that having God in your life and marriage will help to make your family stronger, especially if your husband gets involved.

 

Which one??

[warpedbored]

II will also advise that having God in your life and marriage will help to make your family stronger, especially if your husband gets involved.

 

Which one??

Good point Trigg. Our wives come from a very different religious background where they could be Buddhist, atheist or any number of other religions. To assume they should become Christian and this will fix all their marriage woes is preposterous.

[Dan R]

No matter what you believe in it is still between the two of you to work out.

[sylinchinastill]

I don't think it has to be one or the other. He loves his kids, of course- but there is no reason why he can't be nice to you as well. If you tell him your feelings- in a nice and calm manner when you are not in the middle of a dispute- then he should listen to you. If he doesn't listen to you- then he doesn't deserve you. Perhaps you should get counseling- but if money is a concern then that would be an added expense, so I don't know. But I do know that if I wasn't happy- I would do what I needed to make myself happy. If you can see some change in the situation then hang on until then. If not then do whatever is best for you.

[Robert S.]

I am sorry for your situation but you married the wrong guy and he did not make it clear to you how bad it was going to be. You deserve better.

[nygatl15]

II will also advise that having God in your life and marriage will help to make your family stronger, especially if your husband gets involved.

 

Which one??

Good point Trigg. Our wives come from a very different religious background where they could be Buddhist, atheist or any number of other religions. To assume they should become Christian and this will fix all their marriage woes is preposterous.

Nothing fixes all marital woes, it is ... it is a life long journey.. there are non Christians here, i'm sure and that is their right ! and I don't have a problem with it... but My feeling is that a couple should be equally yoked of the same religion... That is my case. I would not marry a woman if she was not a Christian. We would have different beleief systems. I can't control "who worships what", but I can control "who" I marry.

 

I've seen people who marry women of different religions , heck I've done it myself.... But there is a division in the marriage.... maybe some couples can work through. I've tried it 2 times and I'm divorced 2 times, so this is what works for me. But at least when people share the same faith, they are the same page in regards to religion. There are many other things that a couple will be on different sides.

 

Again Religion is a personal decision. to suggest that I was saying everyone should become a Christian and fix thier marital woes is "preposterous"but I do express my opinion as everyone else does in this site. God has helped me in my life, because I beleive in him. Everyone doesn't believe same things.

[Beachgirl]

hello.everybody:

i'm so sad for all the problems in my marriage.i don't know how to do.i don't know if i want too much or totally it's wrong to marry a western guy.we have so different culture and background.i want to write my story here and wish somebody could help.do you think it's my faith?

we met online 3 years ago while he had been separated over 2years with his ex-wife.he has two sons one is 11 and another is turn 9.he is a so nice father and he is so nice to me too when i was in china.we love each other more and more then we decided to live in USA and i got the visa last year.i got USA on Oct 2004 and we married in one week.we are always so happy together besides argued sometime but everytime the arguement made us so hurt.he has a good job but has to pay over half salary to ex-wife every month.we live in a so small room and just has two boys' beds in the room.we put the boys' beds together and slept there usually.we have to sleep on the floor when his boys come every other weekend.we go to his ex-wife house one time per week and stay there 2-3hours.i felt so hard sometime when i saw he and his ex-wife and sons talking and laughing.i felt so lonely at that time.i told him about my feeling but he didn't understand and got upset for me.i don't want his sons feel something changed because their daddy married again so i tried to forget my feeling and be nice to them.i was so happy when his old son said he love me someday.but i was so disappointed when he told me that we are lucky his son started to love me.he didn't see what i did for his sons.

i'm pregnant last month.i told him that i couldn't still sleep on the floor after we saw the doctor and he agreed that he can let his sons sleep on the floor when they come next weekend.but he changed his mind when they got our tiny room.he even didn't tell me that he changed the plan.after that he said he did't tell me because it' not a big deal.he just let one son sleep on the floor and he and me slept in one small bed.i can't believe it.i felt i never could be his first  important part in his life when i saw he was parparing the bed on the floor for his son.he tried to make the bed so soft but i just slept in a sleepingbag five months when they came here.i felt so sad that he even didn't want to tell them why i have to sleep in the bed.when we talked about these things after boys leaving,he was yelling to me again.he means i was wrong again because he planed to tell boys' mom first then let their mom telling them but he had no enough time to tell her.i didn't understand about it. i'm pregnant isn't her business. what he did made me feeling that i should be feel sorry or guilt to his boys for my pregnancy.he always shouted to me when we had some problems or agrued but he is so paitent to his sons.i felt he love his sons more than love me but he never agreed with me.

i'm from guangzhou and had a good job there.i have a good apartment in guangzhou.i felt so sad sometime when he said i shouldn't come here and regreted for our marriage. i know he is a nice guy and he loves me and i love him so much but i don't know if i still can stand this kind of life forever. i could buy everything i like when i was in china but we can't buy here.i told him many times that i wanted to watch a movie but he forgot it.but if his sons want to see some movie.we can go there twice.i'm pregnant now.somebody told me that i will never have a good future if my husband treat his sons first.is it right?i'm the one who will get old with him.i'm the one who will take care of him when he is old.i never stop him to see his boys and i try to do my best made his sons happy with us.but seem it's completely no help and no useful.i don't understand what's wrong with us.i don't know if the different culture but i know everybody will say i'm a good step-mom in china.but seem in my husband's mind.i do everything is wrong.do you think i want too much?can you tell me what i can do better for our marriage?

thanks so much for reading my story.

Standing in front of the mirror and ask the one in the mirror:

 

1. is there anything more important than having happiness?

 

2. can the guy you are with will give you a better life? if no, is there any Particular reason you have to be with him?

 

3. leaving him is better or staying with him and suffer better?

 

4. is the guy reliable for having his baby?

 

Answer those questions to yourself, it will come to a conclusion.

 

Here are something I would like to share with you, wish you can understand life more.

 

*Do not spend time with someone who does not care spending it with you.

*No person deserves your tears, and who deserves them wont make you cry.

*Never stop smiling, not even when you are sad, someone might fall in love with your smile.

*Maybe god wants you to meet many wrong people before you meet the right one, so when this happens, you will be thankfull.

*Do not cry because it come to an end, smile because it happened.

*There will always be people who will hurt you, so you need to continue trusting, just be careful.

*Become a better person and be sure to know who you are before meeting someone new and hoping that person knows who you are.

 

Love is from both sides, find somebody else who appreciated you. that is only my opion, you do not have to do what I said.

 

Someone mentioned if divorce happened, your hubby might kick you back to china. do not worry about it. Divorce is one thing (if you have to meet it), green card is another thing, donot mess up them together, as long as your marriage is bona fide, nobody can kick you back.

 

Make the desion base on your future happiness, do not let other things bother you.

 

If you need somebody to talk with, my syphathy ears are always here for you. that will be good if you guys can work things out, if not, I can provide any help you need either financially or emotionally.

 

Good luck!

[shimaore]

I feel pain reading your story and thank you for sharing it with us.

Well a guy constantly shouting might make you deaf . so I would advise it 's time for you to show your strength try to change him for the best - there 's actually a manual for this , called " how to remodel a man " from W. Bruce Cameron you will laugh while reading it but will learn a bit about man psyche .

It looks like there are many financial issues - have you try to find some sort of financial independance ? this will enable you to support you and your family a bit hard while pregnant but try to think about it ( you are in the land of opportunity ) .

If you require any sort of help , please do not hesitate to ask ...

[Dan R]

nygatl15,

If it is so important that you both be of the same religious belief, I hope you have thoroughly discussed this with your SO. In my discussions with Asians about religion they have not had the same concept as I find among Christian American friends. Generally I have found that they have a different idea of belonging to a religion. For most Asians the idea of belonging to a religion is not exclusive of believing in other religions.

 

I just breing this up as it seems important to you. Make sure you are both on the same wave length to avoid later problems if this issue is uncompromising for you as stated..

[NY-Viking]

For most Asians the idea of belonging to a religion is not exclusive of believing in other religions.

I think this is generally true for Asians that are members of "Asian" religions (that is Buddhism, Taoism, Jainism, Hinduism, etc. ... not to be confused with other religions that started in the (Mid)East). I don't think the same is true for Chinese Christians or Muslims. Have you been to services for either in China? True, there are some followers who believe what you stated, but that could just as easily be said about US churches.

 

I just breing this up as it seems important to you. Make sure you are both on the same wave length to avoid later problems if this issue is uncompromising for you as stated..

 

This is excellent advice for couples everywhere.

[maiyademama]

I would have to agree with you, NYViking. All the Chinese Muslims and Christians that I know are very devout and "by the book."

[david_dawei]

I say you have to talk with your SO about issues that are bothering each of you. If an issue is too important and division exists then:

1) Either one or both can change their stance (compromise)

2) The issue is more important than the person, and then further discussion, counseling, or it comes to "let it go or let him/her go".

 

Since I've been through a divorce, and have two kids whom I am very close to, here is my personal decision: Nothing in life is going to get in the way or between me and Zixuan.

 

Let's not get caught up in whose 'first' or 'second'. Then this becomes yet another potential issue.

 

I agree that some practical points have been offered. I don't feel it is good to visit the 'ex' in the manner described.

[nygatl15]

nygatl15,

If it is so important that you both be of the same religious belief, I hope you have thoroughly discussed this with your SO. In my discussions with Asians about religion they have not had the same concept as I find among Christian American friends. Generally I have found that they have a different idea of belonging to a religion. For most Asians the idea of belonging to a religion is not exclusive of believing in other religions.

 

I just breing this up as it seems important to you. Make sure you are both on the same wave length to avoid later problems if this issue is uncompromising for you as stated..

I just read your reply to me. This is a good point. We pray together. actually when we met she was not a Christian although she went to church. But your reply prompts me to discuss the matter more.