am i wrong to marry a western guy?

[qingqing0102]

hello.everybody:

i'm so sad for all the problems in my marriage.i don't know how to do.i don't know if i want too much or totally it's wrong to marry a western guy.we have so different culture and background.i want to write my story here and wish somebody could help.do you think it's my faith?

we met online 3 years ago while he had been separated over 2years with his ex-wife.he has two sons one is 11 and another is turn 9.he is a so nice father and he is so nice to me too when i was in china.we love each other more and more then we decided to live in USA and i got the visa last year.i got USA on Oct 2004 and we married in one week.we are always so happy together besides argued sometime but everytime the arguement made us so hurt.he has a good job but has to pay over half salary to ex-wife every month.we live in a so small room and just has two boys' beds in the room.we put the boys' beds together and slept there usually.we have to sleep on the floor when his boys come every other weekend.we go to his ex-wife house one time per week and stay there 2-3hours.i felt so hard sometime when i saw he and his ex-wife and sons talking and laughing.i felt so lonely at that time.i told him about my feeling but he didn't understand and got upset for me.i don't want his sons feel something changed because their daddy married again so i tried to forget my feeling and be nice to them.i was so happy when his old son said he love me someday.but i was so disappointed when he told me that we are lucky his son started to love me.he didn't see what i did for his sons.

i'm pregnant last month.i told him that i couldn't still sleep on the floor after we saw the doctor and he agreed that he can let his sons sleep on the floor when they come next weekend.but he changed his mind when they got our tiny room.he even didn't tell me that he changed the plan.after that he said he did't tell me because it' not a big deal.he just let one son sleep on the floor and he and me slept in one small bed.i can't believe it.i felt i never could be his first important part in his life when i saw he was parparing the bed on the floor for his son.he tried to make the bed so soft but i just slept in a sleepingbag five months when they came here.i felt so sad that he even didn't want to tell them why i have to sleep in the bed.when we talked about these things after boys leaving,he was yelling to me again.he means i was wrong again because he planed to tell boys' mom first then let their mom telling them but he had no enough time to tell her.i didn't understand about it. i'm pregnant isn't her business. what he did made me feeling that i should be feel sorry or guilt to his boys for my pregnancy.he always shouted to me when we had some problems or agrued but he is so paitent to his sons.i felt he love his sons more than love me but he never agreed with me.

i'm from guangzhou and had a good job there.i have a good apartment in guangzhou.i felt so sad sometime when he said i shouldn't come here and regreted for our marriage. i know he is a nice guy and he loves me and i love him so much but i don't know if i still can stand this kind of life forever. i could buy everything i like when i was in china but we can't buy here.i told him many times that i wanted to watch a movie but he forgot it.but if his sons want to see some movie.we can go there twice.i'm pregnant now.somebody told me that i will never have a good future if my husband treat his sons first.is it right?i'm the one who will get old with him.i'm the one who will take care of him when he is old.i never stop him to see his boys and i try to do my best made his sons happy with us.but seem it's completely no help and no useful.i don't understand what's wrong with us.i don't know if the different culture but i know everybody will say i'm a good step-mom in china.but seem in my husband's mind.i do everything is wrong.do you think i want too much?can you tell me what i can do better for our marriage?

thanks so much for reading my story.

[ptcrusier333rph]

god I feel for you,

 

not it not wrong to believe that you and him should grow old together, I'm sorry you have to find someone that seem to care more for his ex than you.

 

If you feel you have done everything you can to keep the marriage going, in my case I done every thing my ex wife want me to do to please her but never got any thing positive back from her, then she walk out.

 

I don't love my ex nor hate her she just a part of my life that with out which I would not have found Thoa today.

 

comunication is the number one problem in a relationship.

talk to him, ask to see a counsler, and if you get divorce, consider finding a good man, there are many out there. you need to look at being happy, if it mean talking to your husband to make him understand or seeking counsler to help fix it. IT take 2 to keep a marriage going, if 1 is not willing there nothing that could be done. Have you thought about talking to the ex wife about it?

he seem to still talk to her maybe she can help, if not she may be behind it at least you know.

 

if you get divorce he may want you to go back to china so he not have to support his child. so please consider everthing.

 

there a lady on here that had a very bad life with her husband you may want to contact her she very good at listening and helping her name is JANY

 

Robert

 

Hope i did not put my foot in my mouth

 

There are lots of good men in america just have to look for them, we usually hiding and healing our wounds from being slap for being gentlemen.

 

[rogerluli]

I am very sorry for your unhappiness in your marriage. Perhaps you should have known more about your husband and his situation before you married but that is all hindsight now.

 

I don't think your husband should be going to his ex's house with you every week for 2-3 hours. He should realize how unhappy this makes you.

 

I think your husband should be treating you much better. He should consider you more important than his sons. A man's wife should be the most important person in the world to him.I don't know if your husband cannot afford a better place for you to live but it is his responsibility to care for you. Especially now that you are pregnant with his child.

 

I don't think these are cultural differences at all. They are basic human feelings about our spouse which transcend that.

 

I am a man trying to answer your difficult questions. I hope some of our women members will respond to you also.

 

Best wishes, Roger & Lu Li

[Trigg]

Well, it certainly seems as though he doesn't consider your feelings. I have to disagree with my brothers on one account. I believe that children always come first-even ahead of my darlin' wife. Afterall, my wife chose a life with me-my children did not.

 

Having said that, it is still a poor excuse not to consider your feelings.

[BuffaloPaul]

This is a touchy subject that I relate to all too well. My ex lives in a 3100 sq ft home on 7 acres while I pay most of my income to support her and the 3 kids. Sooo, my living conditions are not so great like you and your new husband. In addition, if my ex thinks in any way that my kids are not being treated well when they visit me (for example, no bed to sleep in) she will call child protective services and try to stop their visits to me.

 

You still have at least 9 years he has to pay child support so you will have a long struggle. They say that step children are the leading cause of divorce in second marriages, so I suggest that you get some good marriage counseling. You and your husband need some open communications so that he understands your feelings. He may not be a bad man but sure sounds like he is in a bad situation with his finances if he cannot afford beds for everyone.

 

I'm also torn because, like Trigg, I think that the kids have to be a priority. They are minor children and really cannot understand all that is going on with divorce, remarraige and a new step brother or sister. I know my fiancee has already indicated a lot of jealousy towards my kids.

 

I would hope that you find someone to talk with. Being a single parent in a foreign country is not a good situation for you to get in to.

 

Good luck

[ptcrusier333rph]

sorry trigg have to disagree,

 

you marry your wife, whom you going to have to face after the children are grown and gone. wife come first , then children, then mother(even mother in law)

 

you made the choice to put her in your life, you said your childern didn't pick her, well if you choose her as your wife then you had to have thought of her first because if you choose your kids you would not have married.

 

If you put your children first then what happen when you look across the table and wonder who that sitting there, because the children are all gone to have thier life.

 

Robert

 

my opinion what little it is, but I feel the wife have my full support, then my children.

[rogerluli]

Well this brings up an interesting point of who comes first-your wife or your children. I do not know if Robert has children but I do not so you can discount my feelings because I have not walked a mile in those moccasins. But I stick with my opinion for whatever it's worth.

 

I just asked my parents who have been happily married for 58 years and they both say "children".

[Trigg]

Good points Robert. I think one can attend to both. Having worked as a child/adolescent psychologist for ten years, I have to say that children must come first. I have seen the devastating effects of children being put second or third.They are too delicate to put on the back burner. My children and my Chinese stepdaughter will always come first-then my wife-then myself. This is NOT to say that my wife is second class--not at all. But, if I had but one piece of bread to give---the kids would eat it.

 

My wife knew that I had children when she married me. She also knew that my kids and hers came first. We did a great deal of communicating on this BEFORE we married.

 

Having said all that, I give equally to all of them--but I am in a position to do so. When all our kids are grown--then she will be number one until my demise.

[frank1538]

I see three pressure points here. I think money is at play to some extent. Your husband is probably pissed that he has to give so much of his income to his ex particularly in view of the fact that he now has to face the prospect of another child. He may be taking out some of his anger/frustration on you.

 

The second thing is that he seems torn between devotion to you and devotion to the kids, and he is feeling guilty now because his time is divided between you and the kids when it wasn't before you came to the US. I suspect the kids are young, and this probably adds to his feeling of guilt.

 

The third thing is that there seems to be increased tension because of his ex, particularly now that you're part of the picture. I don't know the facts, but a weekly 2-3 hour visit to the ex, unless it's part of the visitation provisions of his divorce, just isn't a healthy thing for you two. It would be better for him to pick the kids up and leave the house - go grab a bite, go to a movie, but definitely not hang with the ex unless it's court ordered.

 

One way to think about this is to reverse the roles. What if you had to divide your time between your husband and, say, elderly parents? What if money was tight because you had to provide for them. What if parents came to your one bedroom apartment every other weekend? How would you act and how different would it be than his behavior is now? How would he react and how different would it be from your feelings now?

[BuffaloPaul]

My wife knew that I had children when she married me. She also knew that my kids and hers came first. We did a great deal of communicating on this BEFORE we married.

 

Totally agree. This has been the number one subject we have discussed in the past 18 months. Since you did not have any children, it may not have occurred to you how important it is to discuss this. That is unfortunate.

[ptcrusier333rph]

actually in truth if you just put your family first then every one win, wife and children

 

I seen to many men just become obsess with one child at the expense of the wife and other children

 

I have to update my view somewhat and say family first then mothers and mother in laws.

 

I would have a hard time saying I love my children less than my wife or my wife more than my children, more likely I love them all more

 

and no I not have any children, if helping to raise brothers and sisters children, and afew ex girlfriend's children

I done the diaper, bottle feeding and walking the floor at 10,11, 12 , 1 ,2, 3,4,5 ect to feed and care for children.

 

one thing about ex girlfriends' childrens kind of hard to explain why you not going to be around when you been there everyday, and they get use to you but the girlfriend wanting to explore her feeling for a new guy.

 

don't mean not having any of my own make me anyless to put my 2 cents worth in. family don't stop at the door when you go to work.

 

Robert

 

sorry Qing on getting the debate away from your problem.

In my opinion it the husband fault, he sought out you, married you and now want to just brush it aside, to me it seem more of a committ issue on his part. Not you maybe you need to ask the ex wife why they divorce in the first place.

[JanyNH]

It is not wrong to marry a western man. But it is really wrong to have picked up the wrong guy. Please try to talk to your husband to see what he expects from you and try to go to see the marriage counseling with your husband for a good solution. I am sure you both will get some help from the marriage counseling.

 

But if your husband doesn't want to see the marraige counseling, You go by yourself. I think you have to figure out another solution.

[maxmilagro]

I guess I can count my blessings because all my kids are grown up and I can give all my attention to Jun. But I paid a price by waiting 18 years to get re-married. In the end, I think it was worth it to wait as much as I disliked living alone. But I was very clear that my kids came first. Several opportunities to re-marry over the years foundered over conflicts with that commitment.

 

Two thoughts:

 

First, I wonder what your husband's motives were for getting married so quickly after separating from his ex. I'm sorry but it takes time to disengage one's feelings from someone. The rule of thumb I've heard is to wait at least half the time of the marriage to get over it.

 

Second, sleeping on the floor is completely unacceptable. And now you're pregnant?! And this is coming from a man. Maybe one or two nights in an emergency but as a regular thing? This is no way to treat a woman.

[philb]

2 more cents...

 

Sorry for your predicament. Divorced....your Husband needs to look up the definition. 2-3 hour visits with ex are unacceptable. Meet in a neutral location and transfer quickly.

If your Husband cannot afford a bed for you; he certainly should not be considering bringing another human being into this world.

Look to counseling and start investigating all available sources of support and counseling available.

 

Trigg and Co. has brought up a long running problem. Take either side and measure the disparity in who is in first and who is not. If the gap is too great; then it is going to become a problem sooner or later for everyone.

 

I think that many on this website have experienced similar problems; including myself, and we all feel for you.

 

Phil

[nygatl15]

I know this must be difficult.. my ex was not good with my kids from a prior marriage... she always fought with me about them... I was unlike your husband in the fact, I put her high on my list of priorities... I always looked for her comfort because she was my wife...

 

I know that my future chinese wife will new in my household. I plan to make her very comfortable,. I consider it an honor that she loves me and wants to move here to be with me.

 

Even though I have a really bad marriage last and even uglier divorce... I don't want to experience again... it took too long to recover.... I think I have recovered(I Think).

 

Again, hang in there....

 

P.S. he doesn't sound very smart having a pregnant woman sleep on the floor.

 

I will also advise that having God in your life and marriage will help to make your family stronger, especially if your husband gets involved.

 

Good Luck