Missing Wife

[Trigg]

I know we have many varied opinoins here but you can believe one thing, we are all pulling for you and we all hope everything works out for the best for you. Good luck and keep us posted.

Trigg

[keelec]

a2396

 

Best of luck with finding your wife and resolving the issues.

 

If you resume communication, a trip to China to meet the family should come soon.

 

Somehow, even though Irina's parents and I only shared a few common words, language just didn't seem to be a big issue.

 

Our hearts go out with you,

Clifford

[SleepingDragon]

her Mother & family were extremely opposed to our marriage and wanted it ended.  After a few very disturbing and short phone calls with her, I have lost contact with her. I had no other way to contact her except her cell phone, now powered off or "expired".

 

Has anyone heard of a similar problem? Any suggetions as to how to locate her? Thanks.

Haven't posted here for a while and had all kinds of weird situation for myself the past 2 years. Anyways, I guess I had something that was a bit similar. First question is how did you actually meet this girl, now your wife?

 

Originally, my story was that I actually met someone online a while back. We ended up liking each other so much and talked for hours on a daily basis, on the net a few times a day and a via telephone for hours the same day. Things went bad when mother was opposed. It eventually lead to the father and entire family being oppose to our planned marriage and such. Didn't even have a chance to meet parents since mother was against it vehemently. To make a long story short, my only way of contacting her was e-mail, chat proggies, and via her cell phone. Maybe you can try other methods to contact her...

 

(different person and different case)

Another situation I had was that at one time my fiancee disappeared after some issues with her family. My only method was also with her cell phone. Yes, cellphone only and no other way since she doesn't know how to use a computer. But in this case, it's different. Her family likes me and knows me. She was very young so she sometimes was a bit childish and in a way, ended up staying in friend's house hiding from problems. Facing the family with certain issues is a problem for some of them. And rather than arguing or standing up to the situation, the other solution would be to runaway and avoid any complicated situation. During the time she was missing for days/weeks, her family was also so scared and depressed. I kept in constant contact with her family and gotten various phone numbers trying to hunt her down while in the U.S. I've called numerous places in China to locate her whereabouts. Eventually, I was successful because she heard about how hard I've been trying to locate her from her friends that she eventually called me back from a friend's place. I ended up talking some senses into her and things have been much smoother since then. Oh, we're now married and she's here in the U.S. Due for a scheduled interview for her to get her adjustment satus in about a month from now. She's now much more mature, but not without encountering so many ups and downs here in the U.S. and in China. It's way too long of a story and complicated one so I'm keeping almost all details out.

 

If in any way possible, if you started the paperwork, you should have had some kind of addresses and perhpas phone numbers. Start there and if it needs be, go there to find her. Without getting a straight answer from her, you won't have an easy closure if you truly love her. It's hard to just give up when you don't even know what actually happened. Many times the cellphone will expired or not powered on if they don't pay their cell phone bills since certain services charge for incoming calls, especially if it's International. Based on the phone bills that I have made with 2 women in China, it runs up quite fast and do ended up with expire/powered off quite often...

 

Good luck, and hope you find her or find out what happened.

[Jim - Portland, USA]

During the time she was missing for days/weeks, her family was also so scared and depressed.  I kept in constant contact with her family and gotten various phone numbers trying to hunt her down while in the U.S.  I've called numerous places in China to locate her whereabouts.  Eventually, I was successful because she heard about how hard I've been trying to locate her from her friends that she eventually called me back from a friend's place.  I ended up talking some senses into her and things have been much smoother since then.  Oh, we're now married and she's here in the U.S.

A perfect example of not giving up, and of putting forth effort to save the relationship!!!!!! Congratualtions on that one Dragon!!!! Well done, and I'm really happy to hear about your success story!!! I wish more people shared this same sense of commitment and devotion that you have for your loved one.

 

Good job for not giving up. I think more people would be better off if they also had this same sense of comittment. It seems like so many people these days all too easily and too quickly throw their hands up and walk away from a relationship at the first sign of adversity. Your story is a testament to faith and devotion - I'm glad to know your story ended with a happy ending.

 

And I think David (a2396) is doing the right thing by not giving up too. I know that he loves his wife very much. Even if his story ends in misfortune, at least he can always say he tried his best. I hope your outcome will inspire him too.

[keelec]

The 1+ year seperation waiting for the visa can be a trying time for all.

 

Many of you have heard about the problems that I have had with Irina recently.... No fights, just a misunderstanding, mostly due to her feeling "homesick" while in Russia even before the visa interview.

 

We have resumed talking, and are now trying to "beef up" the communication between us.

 

All that I can do at the moment is hope that the time and effort (and, yes, some money too) that I am putting into the relationship now will pay off in the future.

 

It is possible that if David (a2396) continues to show unwavering, uncompromising love for his wife, it will make a big impression on her, as well as her family.

 

Best Wishes,

 

----- Clifford -----

[a2396]

Missing Wife: Update

 

To my surprise and relief I got an email this morning from my wife. She said she has been ill, since my return to USA and has been in the hospital a few times. I have no reason to doubt this, because the few calls I had with her before she vanished indicated that she was not feeling well.

 

Unfortunately, she also stated she wants a divorce, largely due the badgering from her Mother. I am not sure there is some room for discussion about this with her Mother or not. It sounds like the Mother is quite inflexible about it. There are a lot of contradictions with the whole scene here. We (my wife and I) talked about this age issue before we got married and I thought we had it resolved. But, my wife never told her Mother my age. As I had said before, I never met the parents, because I think my wife did not want to stir up problems over this. As I said before there is a 30 year age difference. I do not consider myself to be a typical person of my age and consider myself in better condition mentally and physically that many who are ten years younger.

 

I expect we soon will be discsuuing this further. I am willing to go back to China to meet her Mother and family, if it would help. I still find it a bit hard to believe that a 28 year old woman who has been living away from home for the past 6 years and who has also been married before, is that much under the influence of her Mother. Anyone have any thoughts on this? Thanks.

[tonado]

I am glad you heard from your wife. Hope you can meet the parents and fix things up.

[keelec]

I am glad to hear that she wrote to you.

 

Send some money to get her telephone turned back on. Then sit down and have some long chats.

 

Maybe plan something in China to "sweep her off her feet" and remind her why you got married a couple of months ago.

 

Best of luck,

Clifford

[Robert S.]

She does not really mean it when she mentioned divorce. It is just that Chinese people do not censor themselves, and she wants you to understand how critical a position she is in. You are going to have to go there and give her mother something extravagant and valuable. Gold coins would do it.

[Jim - Portland, USA]

I'm also very happy to learn that you have finally heard from your wife. I know how much of a big relief that is for you, even though she was in the hospital. I know others say you should "cut your losses and run", but I still think you owe it to yourself and to your wife to try to fix things. I think this marriage is still very fixable. I know how much you love your wife, and I'm sure she loves you too, although I do think she was intentionally avoiding you to a degree, but probably because she is confused and because you are not by her side to give her strength now.

 

It sounds like her mom really has a strong influence over her. I'm not too surprised to hear this. But I very much believe that this obstacle can be overcome also. You just need to go over there and meet her parents and spend time with her parents and talk with them and show them that you are the good husband that they want for their daughter. I think part of it is the fact that they are mad at you.

 

You married their daughter without meeting them, you really pissed them off that way!

 

So now you gotta go over there, wearing your Sunday best, and smooth things over wuth them. I think once they meet you and get to know you and become more familiar with you, their opposition to you will become much less. Although there is still the possibility that they will continue to object to your marriage. If that happens, then I guess it's a matter of convincing your wife to make up her own mind. But that could mean that she'll foever be at odds with her parents, and that's bound to cause problems later, even for your marriage.

 

But for now, get over there and meet those parents!

[skibum]

a, I agree with Jim on this. Go meet the parents and see what happens. My in-laws did not want my wife to marry me before they met me. Afterwards it was an entirely different story. My magnetic personallity!!! But our age differences are about the same as yours. It was a huge mistake for you not to meet them earlier but give it a try now.

[keelec]

You are going to have to go there and give her mother something extravagant and valuable.  Gold coins would do it.

This is one thing that I will never understand (of course, I am not dating a Chinese woman).

 

I have always lived in a society where love can never be bought nor sold. Where gifts were intended as a reflection of LOVE. Where something hand-made was more cherished than the most expensive gift from a store.

 

I don't think I will ever consider cash to be a gift...... (or cash disguised as gold coins).

 

All that said, if a gift exchange is important.... Maybe look for a nice necklace or earrings. Maybe a good set of Craftsman tools for the father Just don't bring the screwdrivers and hammers in your carry-on

 

---- Clifford ------

[a2396]

Thanks for your observations. I am waiting for a reply from my wife, to my offer to go back to China. It was not my decision to not meet her parents, it was hers and I am surprised that she did not anticipate the strong reaction of her Mother to this.

 

I guess "reading between the lines" about my situation, I am not as optimistic as some. There just seems to be to many "bottom line is money

" issues that keep reappearing. I think that is the basis of the objection to my age. But, I will do what I can to salvage things.

[Robert S.]

When I mentioned the gold coins I was not talking about money or money in disguise, I meant something that is valuable but not spendable. The mother feels like she has been deprived while getting nothing in return.

[keelec]

Thanks for your observations. I am waiting for a reply from my wife, to my offer to go back to China. It was not my decision to not meet her parents, it was hers and I am surprised that she did not anticipate the strong reaction of her Mother to this.

 

I guess "reading between the lines" about my situation, I am not as optimistic as some. There just seems to be to many "bottom line is money

" issues that keep reappearing. I think that is the basis of the objection to my age. But, I will do what  I can to salvage things.

Keep us posted with what happens.

 

As far as gifts.... I still think hand-made gifts hold something special for both the one giving, and the one receiving. However, that may not be the reality in all cases.

 

There is a good discussion about gifts and Chinese culture under the "Ask Charlotte" topic:

 

http://candleforlove.com/forums/index....=ST&f=13&t=4421

 

Best of Luck,

Clifford