Missing Wife

[tonyontherock]

No one is kidnapped. Come on. This is not a fictional story. It is not that hard to track any one down. Every one got an personal ID number which is used for practically anything.

Divorce: Due diligence search to satisfy the judge, then, publication in a major news paper of her last know place. It is a hard enough process domestically. International divorce is even harder, unless you select a jurisdiction to get a quicky without the proper service. That should be enough for defense against bigmy, but most states do not recognize it when it comes to civil liabilities. If you die, she has the right to, depending on the state 1/3 or so of your estate and that can not be avoided by a will. It is freaking nasty.

I would say she did not have any of those in mind.

Family is the main thing. She may have cold feet as well.

[Trigg]

I honestly believe that she has changed her mind. I think the "let it go" reply is good advice. There is little doubt you would have been contacted if foul play was in evidence. if she was suspected of being kidnapped--her family would have contacted you. If for no other reason than to see if you knew her whereabouts. If harm came to her---you would have been the first suspect and the police would have contacted you. I think it is useless to suggest you panic suspect anyhting other than she has changed her mind. I can only imagine what you must feel--I know it must be devistating --but---like Carl said--"let it go"!

[warpedbored]

This is starting to sound like a mantra but...... Heed Don he is wise.

[natrigon]

Regarding my missing wife:

 

...I never met her parents and we did not have a planned celebration dinner...  I did give her family money (via her) for the wedding, which they apparently readily accepted. They have not returned the money in any case.

Sorry to hear about your misfortune.

 

One thing that rings a belll with your unfortunate circumstance is $$$$$.

 

You mentioned you did not have a planned celebration dinner but you did give her family money for the wedding? I don't know the details but it seems like a scam for $$$. But if you don't think so get on a plane and find your wife.

[Robert S.]

Another possibility is that she just wanted to marry a foreigner, any foreigner, in order to get one of those certificates which will allow a lady to have another baby.

[keelec]

I would have to say that the "Missing Wife" has chosen to terminate the relationship. Unfortunately, she told you that there were difficulties without coming out and saying "I want out", and working through the details.

 

Perhaps she was scamming you.... Money for marriage ---> Goodbye.

 

However, I have to believe in the better nature of people, and assume that she went into the relationship with good intentions, but later realized she had made a mistake.

 

I do think that it is a bad sign to actually be physically in China, but not ever meet the parents. That is something that the American Fiancé/Spouse should always insist on as introducing one to the family is part of a long term commitment.

 

If I met a woman and decided to get married in Russia, Ukraine, or China, I might even consider inviting my parents to come from the USA to the wedding. I couldn’t imagine having a wedding where here parents weren’t invited. With the K1 visa, I was even hoping that once Irina got her visa, I would have been able to schedule a wedding date and invite her parents over for the wedding.

 

Another "couple" on the Candle has been going through a similar situation where the parents were against the marriage. You might want to read the story and some of the comments (begun by a Chinese woman).

 

http://candleforlove.com/forums/index....f=2&t=4663&st=0

 

You might try sending her an e-mail or talking to her some.

 

If you want the marriage, go to China. Find your love. Talk to her, and meet the parents. Hopefully you have enough contact info to find her again.

 

If you think there is no hope, then figure out how to do a divorce or annulment. A good divorce attorney should help you work through the steps of filing the paperwork without contacting the woman.

 

I do wonder a bit whether you could simply ignore the marriage since it was done outside of the USA (assuming you don’t plan to marry another Chinese woman). However, as I believe Tony pointed out, simply ignoring it ever existed could come back to haunt you if your “wife” ever tried to lay claim to some of your assets or your life insurance benefits in the future. Perhaps the US INS will eventually get enough information to bring up foreign marriages on a routine namecheck

 

------------------------

 

If you do decide to date another Chinese or Foreign woman, then, if you are not planning on living in the foreign country for an extended period of time, I would recommend considering applying for a K1 Fiancée visa, and bring her to the USA before marriage. The application process is very similar to the K3 processing you use if you are married, perhaps even a bit simpler. And, of course, insist on meeting the whole “extended” family

 

It is still a tremendously hard situation if everything crumbles halfway through the K1 Fiancée process, but perhaps not as traumatic as what you have been going through.

 

 

----- Clifford -----

[PJ]

Personally, if I were in your situation, I would at least wish to know what happened. Although I believe that the suggestions about kidnapping/disaster are a bit farfetched, there's that old saying about truth, fiction, and which of the two is stranger.

 

Maybe I am a bit pragmatic, but I would recommend completely exhausting the calling/emailing route before even thinking of making a trip out. Trust me, if you step off the bus and onto the street of a major city like Beijing, GZ, Shanghai ... with the intention of finding one person ... this is truly impossible. Unless she wishes to be found and agrees to meet you someplace. Better odds of winning the lottery, than 'tracking' someone down.

 

This is of course just my opinion. It truly does sound like a difficult situation and you have my deepest sympathy and full moral support.

 

P.J.

[Kaige]

First I thought you needed parents approval, and parents needed to sign papers so you could marry, ummm, guess you got to meet the parents. If this is actualy happening then there is a slight problem, what city did this take place so we all know may be this is the first chinese scam, gotta check out the Russian scam web sight maybe she is there

[resp]

Hello a2396

sorry to hear about this

if I were you I would write a certified letter to her asking her for closure

returned receipt requested

resp

[Jim - Portland, USA]

I'm really surprised some of you are telling him to give up and "let it go"! This is his wife we're all talking about!!! Some of you wouldn't take the time to go over there and see how your wife is doing if you inexplicably lost all contact with her?? Your wife?!?! I'm glad I'm not married to any of you!! Haha, that was supposed to be some kind-hearted ribbing there by the way

 

Seriousy ... I guess I can only speak for myself ... my beloved sweetheart (fiancee) and I are very close. We talk on the phone at least 2 hours everyday. I think of her a million times a day, I'm pinning my whole life around our eventual marriage, I've been more happy with her than any other person in my life. She means everything to me.

 

If she mysteriously disappeared without a trace, and if I couldn't get any answers whatsoever from her friends or family, the VERY VERY last thing I would do is say "This sucks, I'm moving on". Geez!!

 

Call me a hopeless romantic if you want, but there would be no stopping me from going over there to see what's going on (after I've completely exhausted all phone/email options). I wouldn't think twice about the time and money it would take to go over there and get to the bottom of things. Later in life I'd be embarrased to admit that $600 and a few days away from work were big enough obstacles to stop me from saving my marriage.

 

And why does everyone think it's so hard to find someone over there?!?! It's incredibly easy - as long as he has a translator and contact information for at least one close friend or family member of hers. That's all one would need to get to the bottom of things. Yes, I totally agree that if she were intentionally hiding from him, then it would be nearly impossible to find her. And if he had no other contact information, that it would be nearly impossible.

 

Imagine this. He goes to the door of her parents house. He asks her parents (via the translator) "Where's my wife?". I think their answer at that moment in time would pretty much give him all the answers he needs. What is so difficult about that??

 

And if they say "We don't know where she is", then come the next questions "Where did you see her last", etc, etc, blah, blah. All that stuff. Again ... if she were intentionally hiding (or being hid), or if she were missing (kidnapping (bride snatching) does happen in China, much more common than here (it happened to a friend of a friend of my fiancee)), then there's no chance he will find her. Of course.

 

Even if he can't contact her parents, if he could just contact one single friend of hers ... "Do you know where she is? When did you see her last"? "Oh, I saw her two weeks ago at her friends house. The address is ...". Again, if all these people were trying to keep her hidden, then he doesn't stand a chance. True. But their unwillingness to help would be a big answer for this guy too!!! This isn't rocket science here. Knocking on doors ... pretty simple stuff.

 

I'm surprised by how easy some of you would quit. Going to her parent's house and asking some questions would be too great of a challenge (a lost cause) for some?? Come on, this is his wife we are talking about!

 

Again, I don't think she was kidnapped. She either just changed her mind or her parents changed her mind for her. Nonetheless, this guy deserves some answers, and if he truly wants to save the marriage, then he at least owes it to himself to go over there and get some answers, if need be.

 

I couldn't imagine myself ever saying "I had a wife once. But we lost contact one day so I decided to move on".

 

All I know is ... if I inexplicably lost contact with my wife and if I couldn't find out a single thing about the reason for her mysterious disappearance, then wild horses couldn't keep me off her trail. And if the only way I could get answers was to go knock on some doors, then away I'd go. It wouldn't be any problem for me to ask her friends or family members about what happened to her (if I could contact them).

 

I think abandoning one's wife at the first sign of adversity is not a good thing to do. Commiting to marriage involves responsibilties, right? To me, personally, looking out for my wife is right up there at the top of the list. That's just me talking. I guess I'm just dumb that way for the people I love (i.e. my wife).

[Martytb]

Jim,

 

If you read the first post again it says the only communication a2396 had was via cell phone. I get the impression there is not a whole lot of history in this relationship.

There is also something wrong with a marriage when you haven't met the parents, and I assume he didn't. This is especially true in China. My wife is 45 and we still needed her parents blessing before she would agree to marry me.

having said all that, I agree with you Jim. Go to China and find her. If it's over get it annulled while your there. If it isn't maybe confronting the parents will gain you some respect in their eyes and they will agree to the marriage.

[keelec]

Regarding my missing wife:

 

I never met her parents and we did not have a planned celebration dinner, because she later felt that her family would get to upset over our age difference. We discussed all this age difference issue when I went to China and I told her not to marry me, if she thought it would create a problem. I did give her family money (via her) for the wedding, which they apparently readily accepted. They have not returned the money in any case.

 

I knew her for 4 months before going to China and communicated exensively with her leading up to my trip. We had (I thought) a very close and positive relationship. The best I have ever found. I just can not understand the 180 degree turn around, except that she is caving in to the family's demands.

 

This story has many facets  and there are many things regarding this that do not make sense.  I hope this sheds a little light on the situation.

Ok,

 

Reading post #2 from a2396, apparently he never met the parents.

 

In the USA, "young" couples occasionally elope, or otherwise just get married without the blessings of the parents. Apparently something similar was done in this case. However, that may not be done very frequently in China, even among Chinese couples.

 

I think pursuing a marriage without the parent's blessing would be risky at best.

 

It is especially convoluted that the man never met the woman’s parents, but supposedly gave them a substantial amount of money for the privilege to marry their daughter (through her, of course). The money (and perhaps a diamond ring) were readily accepted, by her, without interaction with the parents. I find it EXTREMELY strange that any parent would actually accept money / gifts for a marriage without meeting the spouse.

 

One of the topics that came up recently was how to tell that a person is serious about a relationship / marriage (considering the 1+ year commitment just to get a visa, and demands on both individuals in the relationship during that period). While it is difficult to tell, one thing that seems to be very important is that the "fiancée / spouse" not only wants to introduce the American Boyfriend to meet the family, but INSISTS that one meets the entire extended family (parents, brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc).

 

Number ONE on our agenda once Irina gets to the USA is to meet my parents & my brother, his wife, and daughter.

 

If this woman was Russian/Ukrainian (), everyone here on the board would have jumped on the SCAM bandwagon. The same is likely true for the occasional Chinese woman.

 

How much did A2396 pay which was supposed to be given to the parents for the marriage? Are you sure this money went to the parents, rather than being kept by the woman?

 

Say a 1 yr salary for a 20+ yr old woman is about $1K. I have no idea what was actually paid to the “family” for the marriage privilege, but if it was on the order of $5K, that wouldn’t be a bad SCAM to walk away with (and hunt for another “American” willing to do the same thing). With 2 or 3 “marriages” a year, and one could live quite comfortably, especially if each of the American Fiancées and Spouses were willing to give additional support on the order of a few hundred dollars a month.

 

As other’s have mentioned, I think it would be worthwhile to track down all of the information that A2396 has about his spouse. If it seems to be adequate, then go to China and find her. At the very least, this would help provide some closure to the relationship.

 

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Ok, some notes about my relationship with Irina (Russian) that may be relevant.

 

We started writing to each other Fall of 2002. She hadn’t actually told her parents that she had joined an International Dating Agency at the time.

 

We scheduled to meet for our first meeting in Egypt. Prior to the trip, she HAD to talk to her parents and tell them where she was going and who she wanted to meet. I would not have invited her to Egypt if I had believed that her parents did not know about the trip. I wrote a letter to her parents, and had it translated. They were surprised, and perhaps a bit hurt that she wanted to date men outside of Russia, but consented that we could meet. One of her aunts actually accompanied her to the Moscow airport.

 

As we talked about Fiancée visa paperwork, she made me promise that I would come to Russia to meet her family before she would come to the USA. Last fall, I had a good time when I met her in Russia, and they all treated me with respect (despite a relatively significant age difference).

 

I can’t say that the wait for our visa hasn’t taken a toll on both of us. A month ago, Irina unilaterally decided to break off the relationship. I have finally gotten in touch with her again, and was able to talk to her on the phone. More than anything, she is just worried, and afraid of giving up her family, her brother and sister, and all that is familiar to move to America with me.

 

One of our biggest issues was a communications breakdown. Getting her back on the phone so we could both hear each other’s voice, and discuss our issues helped significantly. However, before everything is “OK”, we have to figure out a long-term resolution to our communications issues.

 

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Like Irina and myself, I believe that A2396 should have insisted on getting consent from the parents, and meeting them when he was in China (and getting married to their daughter).

 

And, of course, one needs to be able to rationally discuss the concerns or both partners. If not, misunderstandings can creep in. she could just be afraid of the future.

 

Good Luck with whatever happens,

Clifford

[NicolaNSam]

I just don't think we can relate this to our own personal experience. The fact is that we have met our wives' parents and we have had extensive contact with them. I have my fiance's cell phone, home number, mom's phone, dad's cell phone. I slept over at her house several times during my visits and know where her grandparents house is, where her aunts house is, and where she lives. This situation is different. It seems that he made one trip to go and see her and didn't meet the parents who don't agree to the wedding. She even hinted that its not going to work out. I say it would make me feel terrible to go all the way over there just to confirm that she did in fact regret marrying and changed her mind. Cut your losses and run. She's not missing. It would be a crazy coincidence for her to call and say that its not working and then get kidnapped!! Its his wife on paper but not the same as we relate to our relationship with ours.

[skibum]

a2396, have you made any decisions?

[a2396]

Sorrry I have not been keeping up with the messages here. I appreciate the concerns and advice posted by many members. I have located a lawer in China, who is going to assist with trying to locate her based on the information I do have. I really want to find her and get our marriage back on track. I am tending to believe what she has told me, in that it is her family who are making the objections here. The age difference beween us is about 30 years. She is 29.

 

I guess I find it a bit hard to believe that she is so much under thier influence, since she had been living away from home for the past 6 years and had been through a bad marriage previously. However, I do know how some families can be. They always view thier offspring as "children" who are not wise enough to make their own decisions. My own Mother was like this.

 

I would really be surprised if this were a scam, but that is a possibility. I shoud know some answers in about three weeks, if we are able to establish a valid identy. I will post the results.