Chinese In-Laws Demand Grandchildren

[Kevin&Leilei]

My Chinese wife and I have been married for over five years. We live in the US, and my wife became a US citizen over a year ago. Our relationship is great; everyone says we still act like newlyweds. Before we married, we both agreed to wait at least five years before deciding anything about having children. This was before I realized that for many Chinese, marriage seems to be ONLY for having children.

In less than a year, she started being pressured by her parents (mostly her mother) about having a baby. At first, she got away with it by just avoiding the subject. Then came the arguments. Her parents still live in China, and speak no English. My Chinese, is, well, pretty bad. This means my wife has to handle all of this on her own. There have been times when she actually dreaded calling home, and ended up in tears by the end of the conversation. For several years this seemed to happen every so often, then they'd calm down about it, and everything would be fine for a while. They even visited us twice, once for three months, and again two years later, for four months. Everything was fine. Then they'd start up again.

Meanwhile, any idea of the two of us actually wanting kids just went down the crapper. Are we seriously supposed to bring a life into this world only to satisfy her parents, who live 7000 miles away?

So anyway, we recently celebrated our fifth anniversary. We took a nice trip to Costa Rica, and thoroughly enjoyed ourselves. Then her parents started cracking down, and now they've even got her extended family involved. She didn't even want to call her relatives for Chinese New Year. They tell her stuff like she ruined their new year, and they regret allowing her to move to the US. They act like they don't want to talk to her when she calls. I guess it's just a cultural difference, but from my point of view, they are acting like little kids who can't get their way. They don't seem to realize (or care) that they are hurting her.

Everyone around us here in the US doesn't see a problem. They say, hey, if you don't want kids, don't have kids. My wife loves the concept of being able to make your own decisions. But apparently for Chinese, you must obey your parents, no matter how old you are, or you're a horrible person. My wife is not a horrible person, and it really kills me to see her parents treat her like this.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation? Any ideas or advice would be appreciated.

[Doug]

Advice? Well nothing you can do about her parents. The shame of all this is, that you now cannot tell what you really feel or want yourselves. I suppose Y'all need to try to set aside her family and decide what you want. I imagine kids is a sore subject you can discuss too well. Personally I was going to say, "GET WITH IT" , but maybe that would just make it worse. I wish I had more kids than I do and would love to have more. I don't know Y'all's age but to me the younger the better to have them, but I wouldn't mind having even now. But that is all me.

 

Actually all my wife's friends say we should make a baby, and really our age is against it, but it comes up over and over.

Edited March 2, 2015 by Doug (see edit history)

[Joecy]

Great post! I am not surprised her parents pushing for grandchildren, that's

Probably the 1st sentence they say for every conversation.

 

Yes, don't just have a child to satisfy them.

 

On the other hand, I understand your wife's pressure from her China family. if it were me, I would tell my parents in China: " I love you guys very much, but if you keep pressing this topic, it would eventually stop me from calling you."

 

Sometimes, Chinese parents didn't know what to ask or say to their child, they just follow what everyone else say:

1. Have you eaten?

2. Are you sick?

3. When are you having a baby?

 

I don't blame them. They means well, but They need to be educated to be better parents, including how to communicate with their child and grandchildren.

[Greg.D.]

I feel like Doug about kids, but I recognize that not everybody will make a good parent. So, since you don't want kids, the whole project would get off to the wrong start and may not recover. And, so far as a child is concerned, that could be a really bad deal for them. Kids are going to need a good start and every advantage available to them ... and you two are just not into it.

 

I have a fiancé at this point (visa, app, etc in progress) and we won't have a problem with this topic. But I would be sure that Your wife does not truly, secretly want to be a mother .... I suppose you have discussed this at length. Because you can't give that back to her if you let her biological clock wind down.

 

It is very chinese to serve the parents. I think you are running into a generational, cultural disagreement: she is living in the present and ready for the future, the in-laws are lazily falling back on tradition. Even though they have visited you twice: I am surprised.

 

All I can say is stick to your guns. You will get respect if you don't let them push your buttons.

 

Greg