Why Chinese Families Don't Say I love You

[Thomas Promise]

In Mandarin, “I love you” translates as (Wo ai ni), but the way it’s used in China might be a little different, and Chinese state media is wondering why. Interesting.

 

http://www.businessinsider.com.au/i-love-you-in-china-2014-1

[warpedbored]

link doesn't work for me.

[danb]

Carl, Try this link:

 

http://www.businessinsider.com/i-love-you-in-china-2014-1

 

 

When I was in China I was talking to a young friend. She had the same feelings. I didn't a chance to explore the reason why. I wished I had. We know that family is very important to the Chinese. Danb

 

PS I goggled ..... "In Mandarin, “I love you” translates as (Wo ai ni)" and was able to get to that article. Not sure if the link I posted will work correctly. It is not coming up in blues letters like it usually seems to do when posting a link. i hope it works.

[Guest ExChinaExpat]

Here's a copy of the article from Business Insider.

 

 

 

Why Chinese Families Don't Say 'I Love You'
Adam Taylor, Jan. 30, 2014, 7:44 PM

"I love you" might be one of the most important combinations of three words in the English language. It's the signal that a romantic relationship is serious, an indication of closeness for a sibling, parent, or child, and a constant refrain for pop songs. In Mandarin, "I love you" translates as “我爱你” (Wo ai ni), but the way it's used in China might be a little different, and Chinese state media is wondering why.

The Global Times reports that two online videos showing children telling their parents "I love you" have gone viral in China. The first, filmed by an Anhui TV station, shows a number of college students telling their parents they love them. The response are mixed. "Are you drunk?" asked one parent. In another similar video, shot by a Shanxi TV station, a father responded even more bluntly — "I am going to a meeting, so cut the crap."

Even the positive reactions make it clear that the words are expressed rarely: "I am so happy you called to say that, it is the happiest thing that happened to me in 2014," one parent answered. Why don't Chinese families use those words? Theories revolve around the nature of Confucian teaching, or the remnants of 20th Century Communism. "The parents' responses show that many Chinese are not good at expressing positive emotions," Xia Xueluan, a Sociologist from Peking University, told the Global Times. "They are used to educating children with negative language."

This isn't the first time that China has done some soul-searching about familial love — last year China Daily asked a cross-section of people if they said 'I love you' to their parents, spouses, and children. "I have never said 'I love you' to my family, and I don't think I will in the future," one 56-year-old told the paper. "Saying it aloud is embarrassing for me." Still, that doesn't mean that love can't be expressed. In a separate article, China Daily spoke to Zhao Mengmeng, a 31-year-old woman who said she had never told her father she loved him face-to-face ("I find it a bit odd"). Sometimes actions speak louder than words, however — Zhao gave her father, a single parent, a photo album featuring photographs of them together on almost every one of her birthdays in June 2012. The pictures went viral online, being forwarded hundreds of thousands of times on Weibo.

"I didn't sleep the night I heard about it," her father told China Daily after the story attracted mainstream attention. "I have now memorized some of the comments on the collection of pictures."

 

I think it's a pretty good synopsis about what most Westerners perceive as a callous lack of emotion.

[tsap seui]

Scratch scratch scratch....so, everything in life must be seen through western filtered eyes and thoughts, as the rest of the world has got it wrong?

 

In my tiny little insignificant sphere of life it has become clear to me that the Chinese don't waste oxygen mindlessly espousing the three, for the most part, INSINCERE, and most overused words, in the English language,.., mainly by male to female. Nah, the Chinese are too busy showing it, daily, with actions and deeds. Something a helluva lot harder to do than lay on the sofa, scratching your butt, and telling your wife "I love you".

 

Gather, or imagine, a large hotel conference room full of divorced American women, or even women who have lived with men for a few months past the "honeymoon. Can you just imagine the reaction when the speaker asks the question, what is your very first feeling when a man says the words "I love you." I can hear the roaring peals of howling laughter.

 

Remember hearing the wise sage words....actions speak louder than words? Who did you first hear those words from? Usually for most of us, and for me, they came from the mouth of my mother. Women get it. Chinese people get it.

 

tsap seui

Edited February 3, 2014 by tsap seui (see edit history)

[Guest ExChinaExpat]

Scratch scratch scratch....so, everything in life must be seen through western filtered eyes and thoughts, as the rest of the world has got it wrong?

 

In my tiny little insignificant sphere of life it has become clear to me that the Chinese don't waste oxygen mindlessly espousing the three, for the most part, INSINCERE, and most overused words, in the English language,.., mainly by male to female. Nah, the Chinese are too busy showing it, daily, with actions and deeds. Something a helluva lot harder to do than lay on the sofa, scratching your butt, and telling your wife "I love you".

 

Gather, or imagine, a large hotel conference room full of divorced American women, or even women who have lived with men for a few months past the "honeymoon. Can you just imagine the reaction when the speaker asks the question, what is your very first feeling when a man says the words "I love you." I can hear the roaring peals of howling laughter.

 

Remember hearing the wise sage words....actions speak louder than words? Who did you first hear those words from? Usually for most of us, and for me, they came from the mouth of my mother. Women get it. Chinese people get it.

 

tsap seui

 

Let's put it another way tsap and frame it through the eyes of our male American members who have experienced at least a little of China and Chinese women. First, there is no other way for an American man to view China and Chinese women other than through the eyes of an American man. However, the more experiences they have with China girls (women, ladies, females, and the bitter spurned included) the more their perceptions change.

 

I met a few ladies who are very reluctant to say I love you and show affection. But, I also met several who readily show affection and speak out loud the words, "I love you." It just depends on the person, the same as anywhere you go in the world. I was never much interested in a woman whose emotions were bottled up tighter than a drum, and in fact would avoid them. It's tough enough to play mind-reader with an American woman and if you add the culture and language factors to a relationship with a Chinese woman who resists giving and showing affection unless it's provided in the form of cooking and cleaning, then that's for another, and not me.

 

My experience showed me there were plenty of ladies available who are not only familiar with a world outside China, but actively try to learn and embrace it.

[Dennis143]

 

Scratch scratch scratch....so, everything in life must be seen through western filtered eyes and thoughts, as the rest of the world has got it wrong?

 

In my tiny little insignificant sphere of life it has become clear to me that the Chinese don't waste oxygen mindlessly espousing the three, for the most part, INSINCERE, and most overused words, in the English language,.., mainly by male to female. Nah, the Chinese are too busy showing it, daily, with actions and deeds. Something a helluva lot harder to do than lay on the sofa, scratching your butt, and telling your wife "I love you".

 

Gather, or imagine, a large hotel conference room full of divorced American women, or even women who have lived with men for a few months past the "honeymoon. Can you just imagine the reaction when the speaker asks the question, what is your very first feeling when a man says the words "I love you." I can hear the roaring peals of howling laughter.

 

Remember hearing the wise sage words....actions speak louder than words? Who did you first hear those words from? Usually for most of us, and for me, they came from the mouth of my mother. Women get it. Chinese people get it.

 

tsap seui

 

Let's put it another way tsap and frame it through the eyes of our male American members who have experienced at least a little of China and Chinese women. First, there is no other way for an American man to view China and Chinese women other than through the eyes of an American man. However, the more experiences they have with China girls (women, ladies, females, and the bitter spurned included) the more their perceptions change.

 

I met a few ladies who are very reluctant to say I love you and show affection. But, I also met several who readily show affection and speak out loud the words, "I love you." It just depends on the person, the same as anywhere you go in the world. I was never much interested in a woman whose emotions were bottled up tighter than a drum, and in fact would avoid them. It's tough enough to play mind-reader with an American woman and if you add the culture and language factors to a relationship with a Chinese woman who resists giving and showing affection unless it's provided in the form of cooking and cleaning, then that's for another, and not me.

 

My experience showed me there were plenty of ladies available who are not only familiar with a world outside China, but actively try to learn and embrace it.

 

You are so right. There is a huge generational shift in showing and speaking affection among Chinese.

 

Older Chinese attitudes and way of thinking often change once they have lived in and have gotten used to American customs of showing affection with touch and hugs.

 

Chinese have a learned passed-down behavior of not hugging their children or showing public displays of affection; whereas, Americans have core Christian beliefs to Love one another… or simply to live by the Golden Rule. We believe that human touch is important and healing. We verbalize love, as well as show it through our actions.

 

I really think Chinese enjoy receiving hugs where they were always taught to believe were just reserved for the bedroom. I have a theory that the reason we see Chinese women walking arm in arm (and sometimes men too) is because Chinese parents don’t hug their children. And, children seek out and find affection from other children. As the children grow into adults, these affections continue.

 

I do know that many of our Chinese women friends tell Leiqin how lucky she is to have an affectionate American man for a husband. They see the differences between an American and Chinese husband. I tell our close friends that I love them all the time. They’re often confused by this at first. But, soon understand that my love for them is not lustful and that I love them as I would a child or parent. Leiqin understands and she has learned that it’s OK to show and tell those who are important in our lives that we love them. They have learned that when around me, expect to be hugged and sometime get smothered with our affections.

Edited February 3, 2014 by Dennis143 (see edit history)

[Mick]

When Li and I were first together, I noticed she rarely said "I love you," yet, at the same time, she wanted me to say it. I vividly remember one of our very early dates, maybe our third. We were walking in the park after dinner. We stopped by a lake and she, standing behind me, threw her arms around me. She asked shyly, "Do you like me?" I said, "I like you very much, LiLi." After a short silence she said, "Like is not enough."

 

Fact is, I was already head over heels in love with her and once I said it, she began saying it as well. In our home, the three of us, myself, Li, and our daughter Salina, throw the three words around with much depth and frequency. I agree completely that actions speak louder than words, that is without question. Yet I also find that actions and words are a healthy balance. I am glad I don't have to choose between one or the other.

[tsap seui]

My experience with Chinese women, I admit, is extremely limited. It has just been with one Chinese woman and has only been for a very short 7 and a half year period so I don't claim any expertise like most of you other guys on the subject.

 

My comments above were more to the topic of Chinese not saying I love you and how it is seen by westerners. The topic has has bounced around Candle before, as have many other Chinese do, or don't do "whatever" topics.

 

I was brought up American but through extensive travels to a couple of other countries, not to include the usual Vietnam and Cambodian countries, I found it much more enlightening to me if I didn't judge other cultures strictly through my American eyes....be a little more open to how others lived. Not be so judgemental to others practices. Live, look, and learn.

 

My wife occasionally does tell me she loves me. It certainly wasn't something she had ever told her ex-husband or even her family..or for that matter ever heard it told to her by anyone. It didn't make me feel she was uptight emotionally or even an emotional zombie, it was simply the CHinese way, I thought. WIth time and trust those words grew on their own into being a part of our relationship. Now, when she says those 3 words,I stop, and they REALLY mean something to me

 

Wenyan is very easy to read. I have never had to guess, or had any doubts how she felt once we moved in with each other in America She is a very happy person, so often laughing at something or singing to herself...yet if she is pissed at something, you don't have to guess at it at all. LOL

 

From the very beginning in our relationship, even when we had no common language we tried our best to talk about the things we wanted and hoped for in life. What was important to us. I like the fact that she didn't tell me I love you in the early days of our getting to know each other. With the meager 7 trips to China which totalled near one year of time with her in China before she came to America, it took her a while before she became comfortable with the words I love you. Oh we still hold each other and talk to each to this day, and she is very cuddly with me in private, and openly in public. She doesn't guard her emotions that I see, except with other Chinese women....LOL

 

I gave the example of a room full of divorced American women...and a guy hollering I love you to his wife from a sofa, as an illustration of how those 3 words get used to death, and with what started out so sincerely and in time...well, just go ask some divorced women, American, or even Chinese that are divorced from American's and see what they have to say about those 3 words.... I'm not ashamed (yes, I HAVE made mistakes in marriages), you can start off by asking my first two wives if you want. I'm friends with both of them but I ain't pointing my American thinking finger at anybody else, better to just let their ex'es tell you about those oft used words and how they can get worn out in a marriage. Women can smell sincerity, or lack thereof, a mile away.

 

And when it comes to actions speaking louder than words, man, if the only "actions" expressing love in a marriage were cooking and cleaning?? Well, how easy would that be? I can get someone to clean my house for $10 an hour, and I've got so many restaurants around me, I'd be loved to death in less than a week Not dissing you at all Jesse, just saying that isn't the actions I was even thinking of that express love in a marriage.

 

I don't pretend to be too smart, but the one thing I got out of my two divorces....if I keep thinking like a man thinks, I am going to keep having women problems in my marriages. Instead of looking at and judging life through my American male eyes, it has been a much more rewarding and "easier" marriage with da lil' rabbit now that I listen to her words and remember what one of my ex wives told me about my use of those 3 words...."don't tell me you love me....SHOW me you love me, asshole".

 

I'm sure none of you other guys ever heard anything like that.

 

Everybody is different...yore milage may vary.

 

tsap seui

Edited February 3, 2014 by tsap seui (see edit history)

[Guest ExChinaExpat]

And when it comes to actions speaking louder than words, man, if the only "actions" expressing love in a marriage were cooking and cleaning?? Well, how easy would that be? I can get someone to clean my house for $10 an hour, and I've got so many restaurants around me, I'd be loved to death in less than a week Not dissing you at all Jesse, just saying that isn't the actions I was even thinking of that express love in a marriage.

 

I don't pretend to be too smart, but the one thing I got out of my two divorces....if I keep thinking like a man thinks, I am going to keep having women problems in my marriages. Instead of looking at and judging life through my American male eyes, it has been a much more rewarding and "easier" marriage with da lil' rabbit now that I listen to her words and remember what one of my ex wives told me about my use of those 3 words...."don't tell me you love me....SHOW me you love me, asshole".

 

I'm sure none of you other guys ever heard anything like that.

 

Everybody is different...yore milage may vary.

 

tsap seui

 

After my separation from my Chinese wife in 2010, I was left alone in China to fend for myself. Within short order I decided to return to the US, but got badly injured on the job. Due to insurance I had to stay on the job in China until my injury got fixed. I was in and out of hospitals, and in and out at the office, and eventually returned to the US a few weeks ago. If it weren't for a few great friends in China, there was no way I could have made it. I remember watching the movie, High Fidelity in which John Cusak's character Rob Gordon said: "Well, I've Been Listening to my Gut since I Was 14 Years Old, and Frankly Speaking, I've Come to the Conclusion That My Guts Have Shit for Brains."

 

That statement pretty much encapsulated my thinking and experience in China at that time. I cannot begin to explain how many single and married Chinese women did everything you can possibly imagine to work their way into my life by offering to help me. Naive Jesse actually believed that they were just nice people trying to help. Experience soon showed me that probably less than one percent actually wanted to help me without strings. So, going with your gut doesn't work in China. You gotta watch with eyes wide open and polished intuition. So yeah, actions speak louder than words, and guts have shit for brains.

 

I've seen the best and the worst of Chinese women, and quite frankly don't trust the majority of Chinese women who seek Western men. Therein lay some true gems, but there is no book to tell you the difference between true and fake.

Edited February 3, 2014 by ExChinaExpat (see edit history)

[credzba]

I was reading this topic just now, and thought how it relates to action in my household.

My wife just left for work, I was already at work (I work from home).

 

Before she left she says "wo ai ni, wo cu sang ban".

I tell her, (in my terrible Chinese) If you loved me you would kiss me goodbye

 

So she puckers up (from across the room), and I get up and run over to get my smooch.... but there is a window to our front yard.

I mean SOMEONE could be walking by, looking in our window right? (even though not 10 people walk by all day, and those are mostly the neighbor kids that couldn't care less what we are doing inside the house).

 

So I hold up my jacket, so we can kiss behind it without THOSE people seeing us.

Yes, I know were insane, but we have fun.

 

I guess my point (besides bragging that I got a Chinese woman to kiss me) is that "I love you" is said sometimes, in private, and I think its partially tied to the whole don't show affection in public.

My wife certainly says it more now, after 7 years of marriage in America, than she ever did in China.

But, my preference is the way she acts, and appreciates my actions, way more than those 3 words.

 

Long ago.. It was either WarpedBoard, or Mick (I think) posted a 'Things I like about my wife', and I thought so much of it I copied and saved it. It is exactly what I think, worded much better than I could say it. To me THESE words are the translation of "I love you" to Chinese:

 

"besides the undying loyalty, understanding, acceptance, and generally being everything I have been looking for all my life...

I love the way she takes no shit and questions anything that does not benefit us. She is not shy at all and does all the things I think about but I'm too easy-going to do. She has no second thoughts about arguing with every retailer until she gets us things our way. She doesn't settle for good enough which I tend to do, she DEMANDS everything be done and then smiles and asks me in her sweet way, "is everything good for you?" She does this with such great composure and thoughtfulness that even the object of her wrath appreciates what she does. I am so lucky. "

[warpedbored]

It wasn't me who wrote that but I like it. Sounds more like something Don would have said. My wife seldom says those 3 little words, she prefers action to words. Logically I understand it's a cultural thing but I do wish she would say it more often. I agree with Mick. A healthy combination would be best.

[Mick]

Cred, it wasn't me that wrote those words, but like Carl, I like them. There are so many actions that are subtle but very real ways to express love. I think it all boils down to being considerate, thoughtful, and having great respect for the other person. If you possess these qualities, then expressing love through actions is second nature. I think, for example, that Tsap has shown great love for his lady by helping her get a business set up for herself, buying an apartment complex and renovating it - these are all concrete actions that say I love you with both depth and sincerity. Others on the board have talked of things like life insurance, social security, etc. - things that provide for her after you have departed for the great beyond. These are such real and lasting ways of expressing one's true affection.

[amberjack1234]

I fully agree with you guys with the exception of that my wife is shows more affection. My best is when she comes and wants me to hold her in my lap and looks upwards with those beautiful brown eyes and says "I love you more than anything in this world"

 

Larry

[Guest ExChinaExpat]