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[warpedbored]

Today is my birthday. Bing's birthday is in 6 days. Since Chinese traditionally use the lunar calendar how are birthdays in China celebrated? I get the impression that it isn't a big deal there like it is here.

[se_lang]

ok this is not a big deal for me just wondering, I asked my GF how I should call her older sister she says jie jie, ok this is fine it is her older sister, But her sister is younger then me, so do I just call her jie jie?

[Charlotte]

I asked my GF how I should call her older sister she says jie jie, ok this is fine it is her older sister, But her sister is younger then me, so do I just call her jie jie?

Yes, you should!!!

The minute you enter her family circle, you would address all her family members the way she would -- age becomes irrelevant! That is the Chinese way. But in my family, we allow my husband to address them by name -- for "foreign devils", we apply some leniency among siblings, but he is not allowed to address my parents by name.

[NicolaNSam]

Carl,

 

I got the same feeling with Nicola!! Nicola's birthday is 7 days after mine and she said its no big deal. I really think that they just don't want us to get them something because of the distance thing. It just wouldn't make sense to me why someone wouldn't make a big deal of their birthday. Maybe its a difference in culture but from the feeling I got Nicola just didn't want me to try to send something to her since she's so far away. She just told me to give her a great birthday next year. She was nice enough to buy a cake with my name on it in China, even though I couldn't eat it I saw pictures of it in my E-mail and felt great.

Anyway, Next year Nicola's getting a good ole fashion American "Surprise" Birthday party HAHAHA I'm going to act like I forgot her birthday and then invite some people over for some fun.

[warpedbored]

Dear Charlotte. I am curious about customs regarding match makers in China. What is the boyfriend supposed to do when he meets the matchmaker? Is a monetary gift involved? if so how much?

Just curious

[Charlotte]

Dear Charlotte.  I am curious about customs regarding match makers in China. What is the boyfriend supposed to do when he meets the matchmaker?  Is a monetary gift involved? if so how much?

Just curious

Carl, sorry for the delay -- I have too many things going on now.

To answer you question: Boyfriend does not need to give matchmaker anything while they are dating. If there becomes a marriage through this relationship, old Chinese tradition would say: the groom should give 18 pork hams (smaller than American hams) to the match-maker. Of course, modern time, no one wants that many pork schanks, so just some nice gifts (again check with your wife). Before the wedding, the boyfriend does not owe anything to the match-maker, of course, he can always give regardless.

[ahhming888]

Dear Charlotte,

 

I haven't been on here for a long time due to my busy schedule with 40+ hours of work a week. I couldn't sleep tonight due to a recent issue thats been bothering me. I came upon your forum while looking for answers on the candle. So I'd thought you might be able to give some advice/info. something.

 

I am chinese-american born here in the states learning the traditions and culture as I go. I met Wen last October through a match-maker that was a friend of the family. I wasn't expecting to go back for this, just to check out

China. My family roots, the villages my ancestors lived in etc... I agreed to meet some girls while I was over there. The meetings were so awkward, two complete strangers one on each side of a round table. With my family and her family on each side. Then in between was the elder matchmaker making the introductions about these two strangers. I went through this awkwardness 10 times as to what I want to recall. I kept telling my grandparents nope not interested, and they kept persuing me to see another. To make a long story short I ended up choosing a girl named Wen. Since my first choice was to go out on a date with 2 so I can decide. Unlike dating here, that was prohibited. I started to fall in love with Wen not quite 3 days have fully passed we got engaged. I was scheduled to leave and a decision was made.

 

My life has forever changed since I came back to the states in November of last year. My question is...recently Wen has been requesting I send money to her. At first it was the check in the mail to her, then she requested the money be wired so she can recieve it right away(the checks I guess take 3 months or so to process there) I sent her money a week ago because she said it was tradition for her to go 'walk the mountain' visiting her ancestors. Now she requested that I send money for her to purchase a ring and a jade bracelet. I have no idea how much that stuff cost,and when I asked her she didnt say anything. Aside from the bills I squeezed a hundred dollers to send her. Some of the stuff that I normally do like go out with friends will be crossed out as I sacrificed the money for her. Calling her to give her the numbers and information to go pick it up hoping she would be excited I found differently. She was in turn upset I only sent a hundred dollers. Saying that her friends also in the k1 get a large amount of money when requested from there men in the states. She gave me a lesson on how I should of thought about it before just sending a mere hundred dollers. Then she brought the issue of love, if I love her so much then I should of figured out to send more. And when she moves here and she asked for money if I love her i'd give it to her with no hesitation.

 

She told me not to mention any of the sending her money to my parents. So I'd thought you could help me out before I go to my parents. The thing is I dont know the traditions, am I over-reacting? Is this the tradition, and if so are others (asian-americans) have to follow it every step.

 

The way I see it, Im gonna be spending a lot of money to get her over here. Supporting her the first couple of years while she learns english. I also understand her side how she is giving up her family, friends etc... for me. In her case she hasn't mentioned anything about that just the fact that she wants to go to american. Which also has questioned me. I couldn't sleep at all tonight thinking about all this. During the phone conversation she never even thanked me for the money. It's like it made her more upset since I didnt send enough.

 

I work hard for the money I earn which isn't plentifull since i'm still trying to find a job for what I studied in college. Wen's family is well off so she doesn't work. Her parents give her money and she was going out pratically every night with her friends before she met me. During one of out phone conversation she asked me if its (sun foo) hard work in america. I told her i'm used to it so i don't see it as hard work at all. I told her in america you work hard and in turn you play hard. Go and enjoy life with your hard earned money.

 

Hopefully you can give me some insight on all this, as I'm confused and frustrated as ever. I want to get an insiders opinion before I go to my parents. And if your wondering im 26 and Wen is 22.

 

thanks for your help

[Charlotte]

Dan,

I don't give advice on any relationships, but you need to ask yourself these questions and if the answer is unfavorable, you need to have 2nd thought before pursuing any further. Your parents should be told eventually, but your own feelings about this relationship is the final call, not your parents because they don't have to live with her, you would.

 

1. How well you know her and much you love her -- are you willing to sacrifice all you have to get her love?

2. If $100 can't satisfy her now, can you come up with more and more frequently later?

3. Is the love mutual?

4. Doing whatever she asks for is very noble, but are you ABLE to keep this up for a lifetime with her?

 

We all have faults and shortcomings. In any type of relationship, it is the comprimise portion that makes it interesting and fun. Do not expect your partner to change, either accept the fact and live with it for life, or just call it quit.

 

If you think you love her enough to provide whatever she asks for, go for it. If this makes you uncomfortable already now, then don't dig yourself into a deeper hole, then you would really need a lot of help.

I don't see why your parents shouldn't be told if you will need their help to send her more money.

[Charlotte]

Today is my birthday.  Bing's birthday is in 6 days.  Since Chinese traditionally use the lunar calendar how are birthdays in China celebrated?  I get the impression that it isn't a big deal there like it is here.

I have many people asking me this question -

Chinese don't take B-day as seriously as Americans here. Here is the major celebrated B-day in a life time:

 

1. One month old

2. A hundred days

3. One year

4. 10 yrs

5. 20 yrs

6. 30 yrs

7. 50 yrs -- every 10 years, and so on.

 

In most case, people like to celebrate on 9s' 49, 59, etc. for superstitious reasons.

With one child family, Chinese do more B-days than usual for the children. But in my family, we would always have noodles on anyone's b-day every year -- very easy to do -- to symbolize long life