WHAT TO DO?

[dcwfn]

This has to be a cultural issue. Theres no other explanation I can think of. Since "Jason" got here in July he's made a lot of progress adapting to this culture. The problem I'm having with him is getting him to understand what it means to take advantage of his mother. For this purpose I'll use the category of chores around the house. Specifically, washing dishes. His own dirty dishes. He has a job and is going to the local community college taking a very good ESL class. It seems to me that he's using that excuse when the issue comes up and he talks to mei about it. It's the old; "I have to many other things to do" routine. I finally got him to put things back where he found them after he uses something in the house so that nobody else has to go looking for it. Nor does he leave something in the way of where someone else has to use the same space. However, being a typical 22 year old he seems to think that washing dirty dishes is beneath him. Mei always says, "When he was in Guangzhou..." My reply is something to the effect of, "You're not in Kansas anymore..." My thoughts are that his mom works hard enough every day that the last thing she wants to see when she gets home is a sink full of dirty dishes. She ought not to have to wait on him hand and foot anymore. That certainly doesn't mean she loves him any less at all. Mei is very small in stature. 100 pounds soaking wet at best. I have asked him rhetorically who will wash his dishes when she and I are both dead and gone? He thinks it's a funny question and gives a smart ass grin. I know it is important in most Chinese families to take care of the parents when they are not able to care for themselves. But, how can he take care of his mom when he cannot do the most basic things for himself? At the age of 22 there are only so many things I can do for him since he's of legal age. my wish is merely to teach him what it's like in the real world. For example, when the time comes and he finds a young lady that he wants to be romantically involved with he better hope she's been raised to be a servant. If this girl is an American he's just SOL. Right now outside his job at McD's and his PS 3 there's nothing else important to him outside his bedroom. Ooops, I forgot the Grand Am I gave him. The bottom line is that according to the way I was raised, to keep leaving a mess for your mom to clean up is being as disrespectful as can be towards your mom. He has even asked her to help him move furniture around in his room. Of course she does it because that's the way he always had it done for him in China. I can honestly say that I love him as my own son. He's really irritating me about the things he refuses to do for himself. It reminds me of what is part of the problem we have with our own American youth today. I belive that Jason has a good heart. He just doesn't seem to understand that he is in fact abusing his mother's love for him.

My question for you folks is this. What is the secret code to get through to a young man that he is merely acting like a child if he doesn't want to try to do the simple things for himself?

[warpedbored]

The secret code is to have his mother stop doing all these things for him. If he won't wash his dishes issue him some of his own and don't let him use yours. When he runs out of clean dishes he will have to wash them if he wants to eat. You can also set an example by making sure he notices that you wash yours too.

[Guest ShaQuaNew]

It's a tough position being a step-parent. I can truly relate, as I have an 18-year old from China.

 

Every family is different of course, but for me, I take the back seat and let my wife play the primary role when it comes to parenting her. Of course, that doesn't mean that I agree 100% of the time, but it helps provide a little breathing room for my wife and daughter. It has taken a long time to build family bonds, and I don't want to let my ways override the greater good. I believe it has helped Sarah (my stepdaughter) and I grow closer, as I rarely intervene.

 

Her mother can be quite strong with her, and uses a different style of parenting that what I am accustomed. I know I must tread lightly in my role. When it comes to behaviors and things I don't like, I have found it more effective to not push, and establish only loose boundaries. These boundaries include things like listening to her mother and being respectful to her. I've only had to speak to her once when she wasn't. There have been a couple of instances where I had them both tag-teaming on me as the bad guy, which as you would expect, is the place no-one wants to be. She has one Mother, and I always defer to her when it comes to making choices. After a while, Sarah began coming to me for advice, something that bothered her mother a bit. So, when she asks me something, I talk, and also add that she should not just listen to me, but talk to her mother also, as she has a lot of life experience.

 

For discipline, that also comes from Mom. It's not my role. If something is bothering me, I first talk to Mom about it. If she thinks it isn't important to me, she tells me so, and I take that to mean, "Let me handle it."

 

You might try lowering your expectations as to his behavior and first try becoming his friend. Let things ride. So what if there are dirty dishes, doesn't clean his room, or smirks at you. If there is peace in the house, and he is growing to learn American ways, and family life, that's a good payoff. Don't push. Try being an observer and let mother take the lead. Remember, you're not only a step-parent, but you're a step-parent for a boy from China. Don't try to force-feed him US culture. He will learn much more effectively if he is to learn at all, by watching you and others do things. If you like clean dishes. Wash them. If his dirty dishes bother you, wash them for him. He's going to have a tough enough time just adjusting to culture, and if you add another layer of difficulty for adjusting to you, I don't think anyone will be happy or benefit.

 

Remember, when you're at odds with him, you not only affect your relationship with him, but you put his mother in the middle. I remember when my wife and daughter first arrived in the US, that I would go to my wife about our daughter. What was important to me, didn't seem to be important to her. At first, I felt like the guy in left field. Why weren't my wishes important enough to give her a stern talking to?

 

It took a good deal of adjusting, until I began to wonder why things were bothering me so much. I started reminding myself that things really weren't as bad as I was making them to be in my mind. I now compliment Sarah on her strong points. The more I look for her strengths, the more I find. She's a hard-working little lady, but fiercely independent also. In fact, probably a bit stronger than her mother, as she was a passenger in the car when her father was killed a few years ago. She took to being strong for mom.

Edited March 6, 2009 by ShaQuaNew (see edit history)

[True Blue]

Right now outside his job at McD's and his PS 3 there's nothing else important to him outside his bedroom. Ooops, I forgot the Grand Am I gave him. The bottom line is that according to the way I was raised, to keep leaving a mess for your mom to clean up is being as disrespectful as can be towards your mom. He has even asked her to help him move furniture around in his room.

Forgive me as I am new here and this is my first post. I have filed for a K-1 for my fiancee in China and I have come here to learn from you. I hope I am welcome here. I also hope I can give something back as well. I'm not sure its a "cultural issue" as much as it is a generational issue. I have had similar problems with my 20 year American daughter so perhaps these suggestions might help.

 

First off, I respectfully disagree with some of the other posters here. (I hope diverse opinions and respectful honest differences of opinion are welcome here - though from lurking and reading some prior posts it appears that sometimes this is not always the case.) I would not start picking up after your son or baby him. What you are asking him to do, put his dishes in the dishwasher and pick up after himself is certainly not "unreasonable". Now if you asked him to plow 5 acres and milk 10 cows before school every day, I might have a different opinion.

 

 

(1) Accountability is important. It's time to have a family meeting to divide up the chores, establish back-ups (people DO get sick) and make sure everyone is doing his or her fair share. I will say if you and your wife and any other family who live there are doing your fair share then he should be embarrassed not to live up to his responsibilities. However, if you also have a 20 year old American daughter living there or any other family member not pulling their weight they also should receive a fair share of the chores and be held accountable.

 

(2) Now what happens when someone doesn't "follow through"? There must be consequences to their actions (or failure to take action). What to do? Well, you note that you "gave" your stepson a Grand Am. A nice thing to do and more than my dad ever did for me. Perhaps it is more than your dad ever did for you. Our generation grew up having to earn our keep.

 

I'm sure you did this in good faith, hoping your step son would pitch in with family chores and toe the line. An old American saying is - "The Lord giveth and The Lord taketh away." In your home, as head of the family, you are the lord. Maybe if you took the keys away and let him walk to the bus stop for a few weeks, he'd have some time to think about pitching in around the house. I would discuss with your wife first. I'm sure she will agree it is only fair for everyone to do their share. Again, everyone must be accountable, not just your step son.

 

If he works at McDonalds, I'm guessing you are subsidizing his car insurance, rent, meals and possibly his tuition, as well. Be sure he is clear that your subsidy comes with some conditions - namely good grades, good behaviour and pitching in at home to do his fair share.

 

(3) ShaQuaNew is right to compliment his daughter on her strong points. Positive rewards help reinforce good behaviour. Be sure to thank your son for doing his fair share and reward his good behaviour (since he's tooling around town in a Grand Am I think you already did) but even a verbal thank you from you and your wife goes a long way.

 

(4) I don't know all the facts, but on the surface of it I do think you may be unfair for criticizing him for asking your wife to help him move furniture in his room. Furniture is big and awkward to move. Often the help of several people is needed to rearrange this. Is your criticism here because you noted that your wife is small and unable to help? Did he come to you for help? Let him know you are available and happy to help. A family is a team and all should help each other.

 

(5) If your wife is new here and he is also new here, he may be testing your limits. As head of the family, you should set a good example (as I am sure you do) and also set limits. It is important to make sure everyone understands his/her duties in the household. It's only right that everyone pitches in to help the family.

 

Turn the tables and ask him "Son, how will you handle this in 20 years with your family? When your son sits on his butt and leaves his room a mess what will you do? That may get him to thinking.

 

If not, a good stretch of the legs walking to the bus stop for a couple of weeks while you hang on to the car keys might provide him with some time for thought. Afterward once he realizes there will be consequences for being a slob, maybe he will try to do a better job of picking up after himself. It is important he realize that you are just asking everyone in the family to do his/her fair share. It's only right.

[dcwfn]

Right now outside his job at McD's and his PS 3 there's nothing else important to him outside his bedroom. Ooops, I forgot the Grand Am I gave him. The bottom line is that according to the way I was raised, to keep leaving a mess for your mom to clean up is being as disrespectful as can be towards your mom. He has even asked her to help him move furniture around in his room.

Forgive me as I am new here and this is my first post. I have filed for a K-1 for my fiancee in China and I have come here to learn from you. I hope I am welcome here. I also hope I can give something back as well. I'm not sure its a "cultural issue" as much as it is a generational issue. I have had similar problems with my 20 year American daughter so perhaps these suggestions might help.

 

First off, I respectfully disagree with some of the other posters here. (I hope diverse opinions and respectful honest differences of opinion are welcome here - though from lurking and reading some prior posts it appears that sometimes this is not always the case.) I would not start picking up after your son or baby him. What you are asking him to do, put his dishes in the dishwasher and pick up after himself is certainly not "unreasonable". Now if you asked him to plow 5 acres and milk 10 cows before school every day, I might have a different opinion.

 

 

(1) Accountability is important. It's time to have a family meeting to divide up the chores, establish back-ups (people DO get sick) and make sure everyone is doing his or her fair share. I will say if you and your wife and any other family who live there are doing your fair share then he should be embarrassed not to live up to his responsibilities. However, if you also have a 20 year old American daughter living there or any other family member not pulling their weight they also should receive a fair share of the chores and be held accountable.

 

(2) Now what happens when someone doesn't "follow through"? There must be consequences to their actions (or failure to take action). What to do? Well, you note that you "gave" your stepson a Grand Am. A nice thing to do and more than my dad ever did for me. Perhaps it is more than your dad ever did for you. Our generation grew up having to earn our keep.

 

I'm sure you did this in good faith, hoping your step son would pitch in with family chores and toe the line. An old American saying is - "The Lord giveth and The Lord taketh away." In your home, as head of the family, you are the lord. Maybe if you took the keys away and let him walk to the bus stop for a few weeks, he'd have some time to think about pitching in around the house. I would discuss with your wife first. I'm sure she will agree it is only fair for everyone to do their share. Again, everyone must be accountable, not just your step son.

 

If he works at McDonalds, I'm guessing you are subsidizing his car insurance, rent, meals and possibly his tuition, as well. Be sure he is clear that your subsidy comes with some conditions - namely good grades, good behaviour and pitching in at home to do his fair share.

 

(3) ShaQuaNew is right to compliment his daughter on her strong points. Positive rewards help reinforce good behaviour. Be sure to thank your son for doing his fair share and reward his good behaviour (since he's tooling around town in a Grand Am I think you already did) but even a verbal thank you from you and your wife goes a long way.

 

(4) I don't know all the facts, but on the surface of it I do think you may be unfair for criticizing him for asking your wife to help him move furniture in his room. Furniture is big and awkward to move. Often the help of several people is needed to rearrange this. Is your criticism here because you noted that your wife is small and unable to help? Did he come to you for help? Let him know you are available and happy to help. A family is a team and all should help each other.

 

(5) If your wife is new here and he is also new here, he may be testing your limits. As head of the family, you should set a good example (as I am sure you do) and also set limits. It is important to make sure everyone understands his/her duties in the household. It's only right that everyone pitches in to help the family.

 

Turn the tables and ask him "Son, how will you handle this in 20 years with your family? When your son sits on his butt and leaves his room a mess what will you do? That may get him to thinking.

 

If not, a good stretch of the legs walking to the bus stop for a couple of weeks while you hang on to the car keys might provide him with some time for thought. Afterward once he realizes there will be consequences for being a slob, maybe he will try to do a better job of picking up after himself. It is important he realize that you are just asking everyone in the family to do his/her fair share. It's only right.

"Jason" has set a few goals for himself and accomplished them on his own. Of course I let him know that I am proud of him when he does it. Although I still cannot understand why anyone in their right mind would save up to spend $700.00 for an iPHONE.....lol I'm not trying to force feed him American culture. I prefer to think of it as doing things around the house that are not done because they are degrading tasks but instead things that need to be done multiple times daily. If he were only a teenager I'd probably have a slightly different approach. Since he is (in theory) on the cusp of manhood he should know how to maintain a household. To do that one needs to know the basics first. Kind of like when Vince Lombardi went to the Green Bay Packers and said; "Gentlemen, THIS is a football".

[LeeFisher3]

I guess I'm the luck one here, I got Bo at age 10 and have been dealing with many of the same issues. In China everyone did for him and they didn't expect him to have any responsibility, part of the one child policy.

 

We finally took him off of an allowance and if he wants money he has to work for it by doing specific chores or helping me work on the house. If he wants new stylish clothing he must buy them with "HIS" money and he has learned that it never goes far enough. You should see him adding up the cost and deciding he can't afford some things. The funniest thing is when he wants a pack of gum, he checks out the price, number of sticks and determines his best option before the money leaves his hands.

 

The other night he was $10 short on buying what he wanted and asked me to give it to him so he could enjoy his new clothes. He really didn't appreciation me laughing at him in the store. Then he decided to barter for the money and has agreed to work with me on the basement remodeling for 5 hours, under the condition he is not to leave to check his email or play computer games and I keep track of the time worked.

 

It's been difficult, but he now washes his own dishes, most of the time. He wanted to get paid for cleaning his room, but decided to drop that idea when I countered with a bill for rent.

 

His other option was to not do it, but was a bit upset when I did this for him and used the 30 gallon flexible storage unit, trash bag, to collect the junk. I put what I wasn't willing to throw away on his bed so he had to do something with them. On day he was really surprised when most of his clothing was missing, a trip to the basement to get his personalized storage units was all it took for him to start hanging up his clothes.

 

I've found that by not giving him things and providing him an opportunity to make money so he can buy them he is learning about life and is really much happier.

 

He's getting there and if I don't get arrested for homicide he will turn 13 in July.

[dcwfn]

I guess I'm the luck one here, I got Bo at age 10 and have been dealing with many of the same issues. In China everyone did for him and they didn't expect him to have any responsibility, part of the one child policy.

 

We finally took him off of an allowance and if he wants money he has to work for it by doing specific chores or helping me work on the house. If he wants new stylish clothing he must buy them with "HIS" money and he has learned that it never goes far enough. You should see him adding up the cost and deciding he can't afford some things. The funniest thing is when he wants a pack of gum, he checks out the price, number of sticks and determines his best option before the money leaves his hands.

 

The other night he was $10 short on buying what he wanted and asked me to give it to him so he could enjoy his new clothes. He really didn't appreciation me laughing at him in the store. Then he decided to barter for the money and has agreed to work with me on the basement remodeling for 5 hours, under the condition he is not to leave to check his email or play computer games and I keep track of the time worked.

 

It's been difficult, but he now washes his own dishes, most of the time. He wanted to get paid for cleaning his room, but decided to drop that idea when I countered with a bill for rent. B)

 

His other option was to not do it, but was a bit upset when I did this for him and used the 30 gallon flexible storage unit, trash bag, to collect the junk. I put what I wasn't willing to throw away on his bed so he had to do something with them. On day he was really surprised when most of his clothing was missing, a trip to the basement to get his personalized storage units was all it took for him to start hanging up his clothes.

 

I've found that by not giving him things and providing him an opportunity to make money so he can buy them he is learning about life and is really much happier.

 

He's getting there and if I don't get arrested for homicide he will turn 13 in July.

I know this'll work itself out eventually. Right now though it bothers me so much because he's taking advantage of his mother by his actions. BTW.......moving the furniture didn't make sense to me because:

1. I had told him that I'd have time to do it the next morning. He didn't want to wait.

2. He had just spent a good 30 minutes massaging his mom's elbow (she has tennis elbow) and then expected her to do this task for him. I asked him why he did it and his response? "I can't move it by myself".

[NewDay2006]

I enjoyed reading this thread as I can relate to the different styles of parenting. I agree with Shaq, although not at first, but I understand you can't stiffle them why they are adjusting to a totally new culture.

He has grown his hair long, I was going to force him to get a haircut, but after thinking about, I understand he needs his own automony to a degree.

 

I like Lee's style also, get them young and grown them up right.

 

I'm still feeling things out. He tends to stay in his room alot, his mom lets him use her computer too much, but she won't listen to me... I did just by him one. I will restrict what he can load and download to the computer.

 

I understand we have a long way to go to adjusting, but I feel he is doing well after 4 months.

[Sebastian]

dcwfn -

 

I attribute this phenomenom to the 'several generations' of China One-Child Policy.

 

Mostly, for about the past 20 years, these children were given whatever they needed, whatever they wanted, mostly without having to lift a finger or do 'something in return' . Prior to that, it wasn't as bad. Since that time-tick, though, most children, imo, are treated as demi-gods.

 

Yer picking up on traits in "Jason" that he doesn't see - as he grew up with it. He's totally out of his element now, and probably suffering from culture-shock, as well.

 

Getting his mother to do things for him - imo, is a way that he can re-assert his cultural conditioning - and he needs to do that, as he's out of his element.

 

You might want to ask yer wife what she did in the past for punishment, and then reform that a bit (he's 22, after all) to somehow get him into the world of being an adult, living at home.

 

IMO, you've got a tough job ahead of you. Good Luck !

 

PS - the above are opinions, mostly gleaned from 18 months of living in Guangzhou, in a previous 'life'.. YMMV.

Edited March 6, 2009 by Sebastian (see edit history)

[True Blue]

I know this'll work itself out eventually. Right now though it bothers me so much because he's taking advantage of his mother by his actions. BTW.......moving the furniture didn't make sense to me because:

1. I had told him that I'd have time to do it the next morning. He didn't want to wait.

2. He had just spent a good 30 minutes massaging his mom's elbow (she has tennis elbow) and then expected her to do this task for him. I asked him why he did it and his response? "I can't move it by myself".

 

He will soon learn patience here. It's likely going to take your son a little time to get used to the pace of things in America.

 

My future wife is used to quick service from having many servers and cashiers in China. When I explained to her in USA companies are happy to overwork people to save money on labor she said that she understood.

 

But coming to USA for a visit and waiting 45 minutes in a Walmart check out line and then waiting an hour to be served the main meal at a restaurant really brought this point home. She sees America as a paradox. Speed up and go, then get in a line and wait, then speed up and go. In China, things appear to flow at more of an even pace.

[LeeFisher3]

I know this'll work itself out eventually. Right now though it bothers me so much because he's taking advantage of his mother by his actions. BTW.......moving the furniture didn't make sense to me because:

1. I had told him that I'd have time to do it the next morning. He didn't want to wait.

2. He had just spent a good 30 minutes massaging his mom's elbow (she has tennis elbow) and then expected her to do this task for him. I asked him why he did it and his response? "I can't move it by myself".

This is more about his expectations for self gratification, whatever he wants he expects to receive now without regard to anyone else.

 

This is something you and your wife must work on together, if the two of you are not in agreement on helping him to learn how to accept responsibility it just won't happen, because he will know if you don't do what he wants he can turn to her and get it.

 

It took time for my wife to understand the direction I was trying to go with our son and how to work with me. Remember both of them learned this behavior and it takes time to unlearn it.

 

Today my son was so sad because he is now broke and tried to convince me to buy him something, he was even sadder to learn once again that life is about choices and he made his. Now he needs to work more to earn money and regrets not wanting to help with the basement remodeling last weekend.

[True Blue]

Today my son was so sad because he is now broke and tried to convince me to buy him something, he was even sadder to learn once again that life is about choices and he made his. Now he needs to work more to earn money and regrets not wanting to help with the basement remodeling last weekend.

Well done! Life really is all about choices and those who make good ones will be a lot more successful than those who do not. By handling things the way you did, you're doing a wonderful job of preparing him for the rest of his adult life. That's worth a lot more than anything you could possibly buy him. I hope someday he can realize just how valuable a lesson you are teaching him.

[Guest ShaQuaNew]

I know this'll work itself out eventually. Right now though it bothers me so much because he's taking advantage of his mother by his actions. BTW.......moving the furniture didn't make sense to me because:

1. I had told him that I'd have time to do it the next morning. He didn't want to wait.

2. He had just spent a good 30 minutes massaging his mom's elbow (she has tennis elbow) and then expected her to do this task for him. I asked him why he did it and his response? "I can't move it by myself".

This is more about his expectations for self gratification, whatever he wants he expects to receive now without regard to anyone else.

 

This is something you and your wife must work on together, if the two of you are not in agreement on helping him to learn how to accept responsibility it just won't happen, because he will know if you don't do what he wants he can turn to her and get it.

 

It took time for my wife to understand the direction I was trying to go with our son and how to work with me. Remember both of them learned this behavior and it takes time to unlearn it.

 

Today my son was so sad because he is now broke and tried to convince me to buy him something, he was even sadder to learn once again that life is about choices and he made his. Now he needs to work more to earn money and regrets not wanting to help with the basement remodeling last weekend.

 

I agree with Lee here. It's critical that both the husband and wife demonstrate, at least when children are watching and listening, that the child can't go to one parent and get something the other parent already said they couldn't have.

[whutthapho]

Forgive me as I am new here and this is my first post. I have filed for a K-1 for my fiancee in China and I have come here to learn from you. I hope I am welcome here. I also hope I can give something back as well. I'm not sure its a "cultural issue" as much as it is a generational issue. I have had similar problems with my 20 year American daughter so perhaps these suggestions might help.

 

First off, I respectfully disagree with some of the other posters here. (I hope diverse opinions and respectful honest differences of opinion are welcome here - though from lurking and reading some prior posts it appears that sometimes this is not always the case.) I would not start picking up after your son or baby him. What you are asking him to do, put his dishes in the dishwasher and pick up after himself is certainly not "unreasonable". Now if you asked him to plow 5 acres and milk 10 cows before school every day, I might have a different opinion.

 

 

(1) Accountability is important. It's time to have a family meeting to divide up the chores, establish back-ups (people DO get sick) and make sure everyone is doing his or her fair share. I will say if you and your wife and any other family who live there are doing your fair share then he should be embarrassed not to live up to his responsibilities. However, if you also have a 20 year old American daughter living there or any other family member not pulling their weight they also should receive a fair share of the chores and be held accountable.

 

(2) Now what happens when someone doesn't "follow through"? There must be consequences to their actions (or failure to take action). What to do? Well, you note that you "gave" your stepson a Grand Am. A nice thing to do and more than my dad ever did for me. Perhaps it is more than your dad ever did for you. Our generation grew up having to earn our keep.

 

I'm sure you did this in good faith, hoping your step son would pitch in with family chores and toe the line. An old American saying is - "The Lord giveth and The Lord taketh away." In your home, as head of the family, you are the lord. Maybe if you took the keys away and let him walk to the bus stop for a few weeks, he'd have some time to think about pitching in around the house. I would discuss with your wife first. I'm sure she will agree it is only fair for everyone to do their share. Again, everyone must be accountable, not just your step son.

 

If he works at McDonalds, I'm guessing you are subsidizing his car insurance, rent, meals and possibly his tuition, as well. Be sure he is clear that your subsidy comes with some conditions - namely good grades, good behaviour and pitching in at home to do his fair share.

 

(3) ShaQuaNew is right to compliment his daughter on her strong points. Positive rewards help reinforce good behaviour. Be sure to thank your son for doing his fair share and reward his good behaviour (since he's tooling around town in a Grand Am I think you already did) but even a verbal thank you from you and your wife goes a long way.

 

(4) I don't know all the facts, but on the surface of it I do think you may be unfair for criticizing him for asking your wife to help him move furniture in his room. Furniture is big and awkward to move. Often the help of several people is needed to rearrange this. Is your criticism here because you noted that your wife is small and unable to help? Did he come to you for help? Let him know you are available and happy to help. A family is a team and all should help each other.

 

(5) If your wife is new here and he is also new here, he may be testing your limits. As head of the family, you should set a good example (as I am sure you do) and also set limits. It is important to make sure everyone understands his/her duties in the household. It's only right that everyone pitches in to help the family.

 

Turn the tables and ask him "Son, how will you handle this in 20 years with your family? When your son sits on his butt and leaves his room a mess what will you do? That may get him to thinking.

 

If not, a good stretch of the legs walking to the bus stop for a couple of weeks while you hang on to the car keys might provide him with some time for thought. Afterward once he realizes there will be consequences for being a slob, maybe he will try to do a better job of picking up after himself. It is important he realize that you are just asking everyone in the family to do his/her fair share. It's only right.

 

 

This post has a familiar tone. Thanks for the (another) lecture.

[True Blue]

This post has a familiar tone. Thanks for the (another) lecture.

 

I take it by your response that either you don't agree (which is fine with me as we may discuss differing views - which the purpose of this forum). May I ask your solution?