Jump to content

Significant Differences of Chinese/Western Marriages


Recommended Posts

The original topic posting is located at http://candleforlove.com/forums/index.php?...=35732&st=0 and was started by RedKris.

 

Whome? Later posted a very interesting question and I realized that perhaps I wasn¡¯t very clear in my posting and further clarification was needed. Further, in my time in CFL of approx 4.5 years, I don¡¯t think I have seen this topic covered to the extent that I will cover it now. Please understand that this is not a flame directed at Whome? ! The topic is intended to be an educational tool that either party, Chinese and/or American can use to improve their own relationship. Who knows? It might even save having an argument or two, at very best prevent at least one divorce due to intercultural differences. If the reader is expecting prejudicial inflammatory remarks, they will be sadly disappointed.

 

Here is what Whome? posted at the this link:

 

http://candleforlove.com/forums/index.php?...=35732&st=0 Post #11, I quote him as follows with no corrections except [sic] being placed in by myself:

 

¡°¡­I am quite confused by your last two posts Dave.

 

While I agree there is much to learn about Far East culture and your eastern wife for a westerner I do not really see my Chinese wife any different from any other woman. Men and women think different, all over the world. You could insert any nationality into your Neb. weather joke and it would be true and funny.

KISS - A relationship is always hard and requires learning about each other and working at it ... even if both from same country and same background you still grew up with you unique set of values and thoughts shaped by your environment. Does not matter where you are from -- if you love and respect someone and work at it you loearn [sic] new things everyday and enjoy it. If you don't .. well you divorce. ¡°

 

First let me give credit where credit is due. Thanks Kris, for posting such a good topic, that made a passionate flame, to help others, arise in me that I haven¡¯t felt in a long, long time. It may have been ill perceived of the exact topic that you were putting forward. However, it got my ¡°juices¡± flowing again.

 

The second round of thanks goes to Whome? I¡¯m reluctant to use your first name, in respect to changing your Screen signature name. I will leave this to you. However, I digress. You are the second reason that I¡¯m moving this topic into the Cultural and Language sub-forum, so that members that don¡¯t go to Twisted Candle and guests can read it. The questions you asked of me and your confusion, are the same reason that with my educational background have and always be condemned as a ¡°Doubting Thomas!¡± My thanks are especially given to you.

 

The reader can see my past experiences and time in the Orient in the first hyperlink, and can read/reviewed at the reader¡¯s leisure. Therefore, will not rehash this aspect ad nauseam.

 

 

 

In five years of marriage/courtship/engagement with my own wife, I have seen differences in the following areas:

 

1 ) Language and Idea Perceptions.

 

2 ) Cultural Values of Both Genders.

 

3 ) Sex and Love & Roles of the Genders in a Society.

 

4 ) Money and Personal Value Systems.

 

These areas may be easily perceived with a bit of question to our partners. After this it gets harder. I will use my wife and myself as a test case sample, so I don¡¯t insult anyone. For the reader¡¯s clarification, I will use a 1 to 10 scale for ease of understanding. 1 being the lowest and very few ever reach here and 10 being (e.g. a Hardcore, CCP (Chinese Communist Party member) that will never change. Again, very few will reach this extreme or you wouldn¡¯t be having a relationship today!

 

Language and Idea Perceptions.

 

Each couple establishes their own unique language. There is nothing unusual about this in the least and is expected to do. Not only by the couple, it also expected of society at large, so that members of the society function as a well-oiled clock.

 

However, this language is unique among couples. What my wife and I discuss and how is stated is unique to our relationship and wouldn¡¯t be understood by others people interacting with us. This is a commonality with all couples. They all have their own unique language between themselves.

 

This is something like Pig Latin that we as children leaned. Good for throwing the outside listener off, but conveying confidential information to a ¡°knowing listener.¡± Today, how many people use Pig Latin as a communication device?

 

However, with an intercultural marriage, ¡°Pig Latin¡± is formulated between loving marrying couples. It is glibly here in CFL referred to as "chinglish" and has many, many variations. I may know some terms that another couple use, but I will never know the fine meanings of words, between another couple.

 

The language will change even as far as that you become a ¡°half-breed,¡± and think Chinese logic and face with you wife and/or vice versa. with outsiders from your new family. After two or three years of a relationship, the spoken words are not needed to be between the couple.

 

My own wife will ask me to shut the shades because it is too bright. She waves her hand and states ¡°Langoun, ¡°Churr, Churr ching!¡± This is our language. Not yours. We understand it clearly, but others do not.

 

This is the true inter-mixing of an intercultural Chinese/American relationship/marriage. I will take a lot of work on both people¡¯s part. If the reader for one minute thinks that this is easy, they have a crock-pot full of troubles coming their way.

 

The ideas that are psychologically imprinted of both people minds, from their respective cultures are immense and extremely powerful. The imprints of either may be altered and/or modified. If the reader thinks that a Chinese woman/man has changed what their culture has already impressed on them for 20 years plus¡­.Well let us simply state that you are in for one, big fat F-king surprise!

 

BTW, may I mention the imprinted images that your own family and whatever society have against the couple? As an example, I personally know of one man that met a woman that is an absolute knockout. I have seen here photo and she would easily rate an 8 out of 10! He has now established a relationship that both his fianc¨¦e and he love each other very much. A past relationship bellied up on him and he met her. At the risk of sounding like I¡¯m protelyzing, this is a true gift from God. He asked where she was from and received a so-so response. After a bit more questioning she stated that she was from Fujian. BTW, we talked on the telephone and she whispered the answer in the case that someone was listening outside of the house windows! LOL! This woman is highly afraid of the US prejudice directed at her, due to her home province. Wasn¡¯t this posted on recently? This thought that she had learned in the culture she was in, stereotypes from China, and later exacerbated in the US, bothered her so much and almost compounded her very bright future with a man that truly loved her as a woman. Not someone from Fujian province!

 

This is what I mean by ideas that are imprinted and learned by the individual, no matter what culture. If the reader thinks for one damn second, that these ill conceived imprinted and/or learned ideas are not present in the US and/or China; then in IMHO, you have been living in a walnut shell, under a nearby walnut tree.

 

These issues will arise later in your marriage. It is not a matter of will they rise up? Rather, the real question is when they will rise up? IMHO, you better find out the preconceived ideas and notions and I mean before you marry.

 

There is one other aspect idea perceptions that should be raised and right now. Western men hold onto your hats!

 

Chinese women hate! And I mean absolutely hate, being controlled. They have been held as second-class citizens for so long and taking back seat to the men it is beginning to really piss them off. Don¡¯t even tell my wife the quotation of Mao-tze-Tung that women hold up half of the sky!

 

Today¡¯s Chinese women, IMHO and with my wife, expect their husbands to be the breadwinners. However, unless you are asleep at the wheel, they want to have a definite say in family matters. The reader can research and Google this to their will. You will see many, many articles that show that the modern Chinese woman is taking a new role in the family. Most esp. in China.

 

With my own wife she desires a subservient role to me as the husband and primary breadwinner for the lack of a better term and relates herself as an advisor and wife.

 

However! Make no mistake! She (Chinese women) want her opinions known and to be listened to and respected as worthy ideas! In my own family I have always respected her opinion. Not at first, until I skinned my knees more than a few time of societies cement! Now I listen to her as a valued adviser to me. What better person to give advice, than someone who loves you, has a vested interest in the outcome, truly values for the benefits that come to her family (BTW, the children that you may adopt! Ever play with a momma bear and her cubs?), and you show her true respect to her culture and to your wife.

 

BTW men! Some of the ideas may be ill thought out, won¡¯t work in certain circumstances, haven¡¯t taken into account all current circumstances, the circumstances of a particular culture, etc, etc. However! You damn well better sit down and treat those ideas as gold and respect them and have a straight face when you discuss them! BTW, in my own marriage, I enjoy back-briefing my own wife as to my career field and she always has some good insight or suggestions. Not all are good (approximately 55%), but there is a lot of wheat under the chaff too.

 

Many men think this sounds a bit effeminate to you. IMHO, with western women you would absolutely be correct. However, with a Chinese woman this is what they are seeking, unless they are seeking a green-card ride. Why did the Chinese woman first start looking for a Westerner in the first place? Your fantastic looks?

 

In my own case, my wife sought a person that was funny, had honor, fidelity, and most of all respect for her. I was fortunate and had all the attributes that I stated previously. The relationship developed from there. I will tell you right now that I have only failed her once and I was heartily sorry for it and punish myself more than anyone could. There will be no repeat of this. However, this is a private matter, between us. The point being is that the both of you will fail and need to be forgiving to each other, for the other person¡¯s faults. This is why we have lasted as long as we have. I assure you that both of us still have much to learn.

 

The previous stated ideas actually led to her first divorce. Not infidelity! Not a mistress! It was her role in the Chinese family and the control that was forced onto her. I should mention that Chinese stereotypes are still there, not likely to disappear anytime in the near future. Her ex-husband is not at fault! It was the societal expectations that had been imprinted on him from birth as a Chinese man and are still on going today although, at a lesser scale. The same ideas are preconceptions are there. Before, I seem to be denigrating to my wife¡¯s ex-husband; all of us, including his new wife, have had dinner together, attended other social functions together and his new family is always invited. (I wish I could get a job at his corporation. He works with the PRC Treasury, printing Chinese RMB.) He is very good man and my wife will state so. Therefore, I don¡¯t hate him or insult him in the least. He simply didn¡¯t match up to the standards that a new Chinese woman is developing today.

 

However, gentlemen read between the lines of what I have stated and research your own lives and relationships. Where did you think my observations of the Sichuan Prejudiced Chef, Free Range Chickens come from? Yu need to have humor and love with your marriage. Just accept her with an open heart and mind. Both of you will survive, albeit not without a few bumps and bruises along the way though!

 

It is basic understanding of you new Chinese relationship, which makes each relationship so unique. What works for us, may not work for you. Please use my ideas as insight and possible other avenues. This leads the both of you to set your own goals, aspirations and game plans. I can¡¯t make it simpler than this. I assure you, that your goals will be so different from each other, they seem to be as night compared to day.

 

Whome? and others; this is the first cultural difference that you have not seen yet. I assure you that it is there and will always be there. It is very hard to eliminate these feelings from both people. That is why I sent you the questions that I did. ¡°A burnt child fears the stove!¡± I assure you that I have been burnt! That is why, I sent you the questions and implore other members and you, to ask why and why do you feel this way to each other. BTW, she/he deserves the same answers and believe me it takes a lot of soul searching of yourself to understand the answers! The answers you receive will at times shock you and will run contrary to traditional Western logic. However, this is your new wife and new relationship.

 

 

This topic is open for discussion and is a very serious matter. I truly hope to hear from the women's perspective and the men's also.

 

 

I will close for now and make a new segment in the next few days. Please understand; this is only what makes my relationship tick and not written in stone.

 

 

Remember; this is your wife and/or husband! Not mine. The both of you need to set your own guidelines.

 

 

Dave

Edited by LeeFisher3 (see edit history)
Link to comment
  • Replies 70
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

I couldn't agree with you more, my wife and I have developed our own communication style as do all.

 

One thing that comes clearly to my mind is the day she told me You don't listen to me! Now I had to think for a minute so that I could respond carefully and ask her to tell me more. She explained that she would tell me something and I wouldn't do it, so I wasn't listening to her. B) Now I understood more about what she was talking about and gave her an answer that left her rolling on the floor and I use to this day:

 

I always listen to everything my wife says, but sometimes I don't do what she tells me. :roller:

 

She obviously saw the humor and reality in this, but it was important that I listen to what she has to say and this was something she could accept easily as she does the same thing with me.

Link to comment

An interesting topic...yeah i think ,well,i know a Chinese woman does not want to be controlled.And for most of us western men,we are not one to control woman,I know in my first marriage,we shared everything,i changed diapers,she changed diapers,i cooked,she cooked,we both worked,her opinions were always welcomed, it is part of american culture,equality,or the striving to be equal,I think a Chinese woman knows this,wants this,In fact my wife wrote me a letter and was a bit hesistant to ask something,or actually suggest something,and followed up with "please do not be angry" i was like" angry?"why would i be angry ,i wrote her back telling her,i respect her opinons,her ideas,we are in this together....she wrote back,and of course happy to hear this.....which she already knows i cherish her opinions,and willing to follow her wise advice,actually i get a little upset when she is hesitant to voice her opinion,as i always say jokingly "it is a free country...your free to speak your mind"!!!

Cultural difference,yeah of course,but men are different than women,regardless of what country they come from,and think back when you first dated your first girlfriend,wow,what a trip right,i mean she could make you happy and drive you insaine at the same time(and visa versa),we learned to adjust,then you get married,wow !!!! there is something interesting,how many arguements did you have where the wife said "you don't understand me"? i use to joke "is it your time of the month again?" well hey.....you learn to understand....sure there is cultural differences,and you learn to adjust.I think it 's all in the nature of being human,sure some people with their pride wont change,are not willing to change,to learn ,to adjust.But most of us,I think it's nothing really new,we learn to understand those differences,adjust ,and become a better husband ( and visa versa).All in the name of love.

 

Language? wow !!!! we also communicate in strange ways,sure,she is learning english,and i try my best to learn chinese,but i laugh at these knucklehead "vo's" how do you and your husband communicate.?like they must think we just stare at each other and go "dah !!!!"....human nature...where there is a will there is a way" we communicate,we understand it...others may not !!!!

hey,just my thoughts, i am not an expert....

a cool topic !

 

jimi

Link to comment
"... i am not an expert....

a cool topic !

 

jimi

 

Jimi you ain't seen nothing yet. Hold on for the following segments. I assure that I will rock many members world.

 

I will blow you and many members away with small keys.

 

I truly want to hear from the women. Time to bring their perspective in here.

 

Dave

Edited by Cerberus (see edit history)
Link to comment
Please understand that this is not a flame directed at Whome?

 

Dave .. No offense taken. I think this is a wonderful topic!! Thanks for taking to time to start and lead it.

 

 

Whome?,

 

Whenever a retort post is started, CFL people's tongues began wagging about this or that. I just didn't want to get the shit flying so soon, until they understood it was a serious post.

 

I just wanted to start the post off right. Again; thanks for the inspiration.

 

Dave

Link to comment
"... i am not an expert....

a cool topic !

 

jimi

 

Jimi you ain't seen nothing yet. Hold on for the following segments. I assure that I will rock many members world.

 

I will blow you and many members away with small keys.

 

I truly want to hear from the women. Time to bring their perspective in here.

 

Dave

 

looking forward to it Dave !!!

 

Jimi

Link to comment
Please understand that this is not a flame directed at Whome?

 

Dave .. No offense taken. I think this is a wonderful topic!! Thanks for taking to time to start and lead it.

 

 

Whome?,

 

Whenever a retort post is started, CFL people's tongues began wagging about this or that. I just didn't want to get the shit flying so soon, until they understood it was a serious post.

 

I just wanted to start the post off right. Again; thanks for the inspiration.

 

Dave

That's it Dave, you done did it!!! You used the S#$ word. Now go to the paypal link and deposit 25 cents. Just think how much it will aggrivate Don. :roller:

Link to comment
Guest Tony n Terrific

Last American gal I dated view points on the difference of the common English language.

 

Can't we just be friends? There is no way in hell I am going

to let any part of your body touch

any part of mine, again.

 

I just need some space ...without you in it

 

Can you help me with my homework? If I keep whining, the fool will do

it for me.

 

Do I look fat in this dress? We haven't had a fight in a while

 

No, pizza's fine Cheap bastard

 

I just do not want a boyfriend now. I just do not want (you as a) boy-

friend now

 

I don't know; what do you want to I can't believe that you have

do? nothing planned

 

Come here My puppy does this too

 

I like you but... I don't like you

 

You never listen You never listen

 

We're moving too quickly I am not going to sleep with you

until I find out if this guy in Bio

has a girlfriend

 

I'll be ready in a minute I AM ready, but I am going to make

you wait because I know you will.

 

Oh, no, I will pay for myself I am just being nice; there is no

way I am going dutch

 

Oh Yes! Right there Well, near there; I just want to get

this over with

 

I'm just going out with the girls We are gonna get sloppy and make

fun of you and your freinds

 

There's no one else I am doing your brother

 

Size doesn't count... unless I want an orgasm

Link to comment

I don't see much difference between Chinese and American women. Aside from the fact that Chinese women are tough as nails, the are differences I see are mostly trivial.

 

The refusal to throw stuff away makes me crazy and I'm a packrat. Yeah, that's pretty trivial stuff.

 

I am fortunate enough to have a naturally happy woman and that's the difference that matters to me.

Link to comment

This is the most interesting thread i have seen. by the way cerebus i understand your wifes thinking :draw:

 

it is always great to see posts from men like you and Amafan who have looked inside themselves to understand and will share it.

 

All i can add is that we have been married together in USA for a short time. but he tries better every day :D

 

i suspect most like us have great fun learning our differences, to some it may be too much to accept.

 

for anyone to ingore the cultural aspect in this would be crazy. i would also like add that as we coming here we protect ourselves in what is comfortable so hold to chinese thinking and beviours vert tightly.

Link to comment

I've met too many who have the attitude that my wife is in America now she needs to adopt American ways. This is absurd, she is free to choose to adopt what she wants and ignore the rest. I do try to help her understand some of the things she sees and hears, but if she changed who she was because me or someone else said it was required she wouldn't be the same person I married and that would not be a happy life.

Link to comment

I've met too many who have the attitude that my wife is in America now she needs to adopt American ways. This is absurd, she is free to choose to adopt what she wants and ignore the rest. I do try to help her understand some of the things she sees and hears, but if she changed who she was because me or someone else said it was required she wouldn't be the same person I married and that would not be a happy life.

 

 

Well said Lee .. I agree 100%. If i had wanted a wife with American ways I would have married an American. I enjoy the fact that we have two different cultures and do not want either of us to change except for what we want to change.

 

On another subject .. I really thought that every woman who said "you don't listen to me" meant that you were not doing what she wanted. Even my mother meant this when she told me a child that I did not listen to her.

 

Two things about China that suprised me once I got here based on perception I had from USA/EUR friends who had been here:

 

1. It is not a third world country as some, especially the Europeans, would tell you. Different but not third world by any standard. Even the villages I been to are not so different from the houses in mountains of W.Va and Va. I been to.

 

2. Chinese women, as Dave said, hate and I mean HATE to be controlled. Who said Asian women were submissive. Yet they are much more reasonable and logic especially if you take the time to communicate your position and thinking to them and listen to their position.

Link to comment

This is the second segment. I apologize to readers. It has been a VERY long day at the shipyards. If I seem to ramble a bit, please chock it up as a 15 and 1/2 hour day and this is my third in a row in one week.

 

¡°Griz 326

 

I don't see much difference between Chinese and American women. Aside from the fact that Chinese women are tough as nails, the are differences I see are mostly trivial¡­.¡±

 

 

Griz,

 

IMHO, I believe that you are wrong, but this is my opinion only. Hence, the prime reason for this posting.

 

I¡¯m pointing out differences that I have perceived and investigated with my own family. The reader can then take my logic and thoughts back and examine his own family. Every relationship is different and I won¡¯t even attempt to posture myself as a Chinese/American Love/Relationship demi-god, which sees all, and has every answer. This is up to you and your own family.

 

I will point out one item for you to consider. Each Chinese woman/man has their own totally unique imprinted images (there is that word again!), upbringing and value system. Comparing our two families would be comparing apples to oranges. This is not meant as a flame, just a thought for you. As marriages go IMHO, you are still in the Honeymoon stage and could be classified as a recent marriage. After five years of marriage; approach someone with an intercultural marriage to a Chinese, come tell them this statement.

 

It isn¡¯t the large log that broke the camel¡¯s back; it was the final twig added to the load. Chinese women won't break down (exception if they are weak in the first place or a Green Card ride), until the passage of time, and the twigs begin developing into a large load. Then one day; she/he snaps and may himself God have mercy upon you. Most of the marriages that my wife and I see dissolve are primarily due to the accumulation of twigs, adultery, Green Card rides and control issues. My wife belongs to several strictly Chinese forums and this is a common complaint among the Chinese women, is that their husbands don¡¯t respect their feelings, and I mean the little things and want to control them.

 

Just keep an open mind. Like I stated previously, yours is still a young marriage. It gets worse after this.

 

¡°Jin979

 

 

 

 

This is the most interesting thread i have seen. by the way cerebus i understand your wifes thinking (IMG:style_emoticons/default/smile.gif)

 

it is always great to see posts from men like you and Amafan who have looked inside themselves to understand and will share it.

 

All i can add is that we have been married together in USA for a short time. but he tries better every day (IMG:style_emoticons/default/biggrin.gif)

 

i suspect most like us have great fun learning our differences, to some it may be too much to accept.

 

for anyone to ingore the cultural aspect in this would be crazy. i would also like add that as we coming here we protect ourselves in what is comfortable so hold to chinese thinking and beviours vert tightly.¡±

 

 

 

Jin

 

Thank you for the compliments. Perhaps, Amafan and my thoughts can reduce the amount of posts in the Problems and Partings sub-forum.

 

I know Rob tries and he will still fail to measure up. However, if it s any comfort I was also the same and I already had fifteen years ¡°under my belt¡± for experience. I still screwed up! LOL! Might I suggest a quiet cup of tea, quietly sigh to yourself, relax and repeat three times ¡°He is only a man in training!¡± After all, the new puppy to your home, no matter how many times you housebreak him will piddle on the floor, every once in awhile! LOL

 

Your last statement is the greatest I have heard and so very well put. I have a thought to the naysayers that think that cultural differences aren¡¯t important¡­.

 

You may take the girl/boy out of China! However, you will never take the China out of the girl/boy! All you do is help them modify the China in them to fit in wherever you are!

 

 

 

¡°LeeFisher3

 

I've met too many who have the attitude that my wife is in America now she needs to adopt American ways. This is absurd, she is free to choose to adopt what she wants and ignore the rest. I do try to help her understand some of the things she sees and hears, but if she changed who she was because me or someone else said it was required she wouldn't be the same person I married and that would not be a happy life.¡±

 

Lee,

 

Absolutely dead on target! Man does this particular aspect piss Yin off!

 

Remember back in 2004 and I referred to my wife as Alice, when I posted in CFL?

 

She arrived in Chicago (POE), went to Nebraska where I was finishing my graduate studies. She fit in very well and one day I called her name Alice. She flat out told me not to call her that name again. BTW, ever look into the eyes of a disaster? I looked into Yin¡¯s eyes and knew that she was dead serious and had the fire you see in a Chinese woman¡¯s eye, when you are about to be flamed.

 

I gently asked her if everything was all right! Talk about opening the floodgates! Holy S _ _t! She told me that she was tired of Americans trying to control and adjust her, so that she could be a true American. She was born Chinese, lived as a Chinese woman in America married to an American man, and would die Chinese. She continued that if someone couldn¡¯t remember her name or take the time to listen to her; then they could SOD off! Her final statement she made was who are Westerner¡¯s to tell a Chinese how they should act? Chinese had 5,000 years of culture and America only had 280 years plus! BTW, remember the post I made about 5,000 years of culture? That is where 5,000 years of culture came from, without explaining the circumstances of how I "coined" the term.

 

Yin loves her mother country and that is a line that I won¡¯t even cross. Perhaps, she might try to replace Hu, Jing Tao! LOL One never knows!

 

Anyway to the second segment of this issue:

 

 

 

Cultural Values of Both Genders.

 

As LeeFisher3 pointed out in a previous post, the typical Chinese women, has and always respect their mother country. They hate being changed (BTW, which they consider the same type of control the CCP does) into something that they aren¡¯t.

 

This is a bit more of a nebulous issue so please bear with me, if examples are used to make a point clearer to the reader.

 

My wife and I met via Internet. I had been talking to a doctor in the city of Guilin. One day, I received a PM from the agency stating that she (Yin) read my profile and wished to converse. In conclusion the doctor went away which will be explained shortly.

 

I have since lost my profile, etc, but I placed in there that many years of travel and residing in the Far East (not China). I received her reply back, that this was exactly what she was looking for. She wanted a person that could understand her mannerisms and logic patterns.

 

Being the typical American, I was very suspicious with such statements. I did not look at her photographs since I wanted a clear mind with no distractions and I could understand the person mentally with PMs. Many PMs were sent back and forth, with her asking numerous times, if I had ever looked at her photographs? I would always tell her know, that I didn¡¯t want to look at them, until I knew her heart and mind. This seemed to satisfy her for the time being. By this time, the telephone calls had begun. Suffice to say, I fell in love with her voice, laughter and long conversations mostly wrapped around families, what the other did for the day, etc.

 

The time came and she finally asked me if I was satisfied with our relationship to look at her profile. I stated yes and she stated that she would send me a ¡°special¡± photograph that was not part of the profile, I could look at. I¡¯m only thinking that this is the moment of truth. How bad can she look? Understand gentlemen, I worship at Murphy¡¯s altar; whatever can wrong will go wrong and when things are dark, watch out! Things can go totally black! I consoled myself with the thought that I knew the woman¡¯s heart and mind fairly well by this time, and wouldn¡¯t matter if she could eat corn through a picket fence; she had a good heart and that was that. Here is the photograph I received¡­(BTW readers; the hair is now below the waist, red tint is totally gone today. It is very Chinese black and is now a proud asset that she has. Although the neighbors still look at her in puzzlement, when she comes into the yard to comb her hair. Thank the Lord, that I didn't see this photo, when we first began conversing. Gentlemen, you understand what I'm saying.

 

 

 

http://i261.photobucket.com/albums/ii71/Typhon100/Kevin1.jpg

 

Now that I have set the stage, let me explain something about the woman I married.

 

Yin and many ¡°good¡± (for the lack of a better term, think of well brought up) Chinese are very much in love with their Motherland. My own wife has never been a CCP member and actually dislikes the Party. It is a very strange relationship. Yin¡¯s family is very educated and extremely well to do in Chinese society. Half of them are CCP and half are not. In family gatherings, the subject of political ideologies is never brought up. I have attended several (guess who gets to pay the bill?) reunions and my political views are never brought up either. I'm simply accepted as a son-in-law, a family member, etc.

 

What is the point? Very simple! All Chinese will always love their mother country. They may not like Tibetan issues! They may not like Falun Gong issues! They may deplore human rights violations perpetuated by the PRC CCP! However, make no mistake; they love their motherland and you better not forget it!

 

Like I stated in a response¡­. ¡°You may take the girl/boy out of China! However, you will never take the China out of the girl/boy!¡±

 

In regard to the family, lets explore this aspect.

 

To a Chinese woman¡¯s ¡°eye,¡± the man of the home is the primary breadwinner. He may have hard times like right now today and she may have to fill in, as a wife should do to support her family and her husband. However, men don¡¯t sit on you laurels while wifey-poo takes the load! A Chinese wife wife won¡¯t tolerate it for very long! You better be doing something to better the family's life. I still laugh at members that want to teach ESL in China and stay at home, while the Chinese wife/man is the prime breadwinner. As a matter of face, you have lost your role as a primary breadwinner and now relegated to the role of whatever! Is this how you wish to earn respect? Good luck! You better have a better game plan than ESL.

 

IMHO, the man today in a normal mixed marriage, is expected to make the hard bottom-line decisions for the good of the family. The Chinese wife however, wants to have input as to what is going on though. If you fail in this regard; the woman has to make up for your weakness and guard her own new life. You made your own bed, therefore you have to sleep in it.

 

 

BTW, If you think for an instant, that your wife hasn't found 001 forum or some other forum, and read input from other Chinese women, then you are seriously delusional! This is the nature of Chinese women. They network their asses off! It is a sisterhood and guess where we fit in? You better have your act together and make your wife happy or you will have a long hard road ahead of you. BTW, my own wife read other Chinese women's opinions and will sound their ideas off of me. You better get used to it. I have a very good relationship and don;t fear their input and my wife quite often asks what I think about such about this or that opinion. Please understand gentlemen. The woman has almost 85% made up her own opinion of what she feels before she asks you. You are merely a sounding wall to clarify her opinion of what she understands, about this or that opinion. Remember what I said about control. Now! The point comes home!

 

 

That is why you damn well better pay attention to your wives/husbands input! In China, the family is ultimate. That is one reason that Chinese look at American families and consider them as very ¡°loose arrangements!¡± If you ever forget this rule and you are in line for a world of s _ _t!

 

If you wish to disregard this advice; so be it. It is your butt on the anvil and not mine.

 

One thing I should mention and I have seen this posted very frequently. I make a very good salary for what I do. My wife doesn¡¯t have to work. However! She still wants to work! I have every bill covered and have extra money that we can still save. My own wife wants to work even a part-time seasonal employee at Macy¡¯s because it reinforces her status in the world. It is a type of psychological ¡°stroking.¡± Every human being wishes to consider themselves as valuable and an asset to society. My wife took a very low paying job, seasonal and temporary, so that she had her own savings account she controlled and managed, had her own Macy¡¯s credit card that she controlled, would come home from work with the same complaints that we as men make to our wives about a hard day at the office, and still I sensed pride being there. Obvious conclusion is that she wishes to make her own way through the world. Chinese women/men are very proud about this. They abhor relying on others and may I repeat being controlled!

 

In my own marriage, I constantly seek my wife¡¯s advice. However, the bottom line decision is mine and mine only. This is a very hard responsibility for the head of the house; deciding what is the best for the family, what are their best interests now and in the future, how the other will feel, what is good for them, etc, etc, etc. May I add that many times and you may also see members asking what Chinese cultural aspects are there when I move, etc, etc, etc. This is one reason that this topic was pinned for members: http://candleforlove.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=28599. It was pinned since we, as Chinese/American relationships need every asset we can find.

 

This particular aspect of Chinese women has been going on for a long time and will far into the future.

 

If a member wishes to test this thought in their own relationship why not simply ask her the goods and bad differences between living in China and America. Unless you are a real dullard, you will soon see, that the woman /man will always want to go back to their native country. This isn¡¯t saying that China is bad or America sucks! Hence the comment I made about taking the woman/man out of China, but never removing China from them.

 

Another aspect to be thought of is when the man/woman lives and /or lives with you in the US. You have brought your wife to the ¡°golden streets¡± of the US in say; Paslouga, Mississippi, New York City or even LA, and are making high five figures with merit bonuses. You have a good career there with no proverbial glass ceiling as to advancement; you have purchased a three-bedroom home there with ½ acre for a garden and flowers. Your new partner has computers and telephones to link to China, etc, etc, etc. She has a new caring husband and everything is working right.

 

IMHO, if you fall into this delusional dream; than you are a fool and need to rethink your position.

 

I make six figure salary and live in San Diego. Please understand; not flaunting how good I am, pride or making members feel bad. I worked damned hard to get where I am today. The point is that with all this wealth, the Chinese woman still considers her family number one, the happiness of the family, sending some of you hard-earned wealth back to help her family and to be altruistic to everyone. Chinese women/men don¡¯t go scattering around money for the masses. Chinese women/men put money where money does the most good.

 

My wife is China right now on a 3-month extended vacation. I told her to go and enjoy China and not worry about me. I¡¯m not likely zipping off to Tijuana or find a new concubine on the side. What is the point?

 

My wife has called me several times and stated that the US is boring as compared to America! WTF? This is from a woman that lives in San Diego, nice home, nice salary, beaches, etc, etc. This is not like she lived in Mississippi or Arkansas!

 

This a true Chinese woman in her motherland that enjoys the loud restaurants and the conversations among friends, the routine daily activities in Chinese life that we as American¡¯s miss when we are in China that only a true Chinese person understands, the bargaining with merchants for the lowest price, etc, etc. The list is endless.

 

If you think for one minute that your partner doesn¡¯t miss this, then you are sadly ignorant of the original nature of your partner.

 

May I suggest that you go back and through quiet questioning and discussion, find her deepest values that she/he may not be telling you because you may not be able to afford it and they don¡¯t want to embarrass you.

 

In conclusion to his particular point, my wife and generally discussed the points I made above regard to boredom in the US with a recent telephone call we had. My wife has her opinions and I have mine. We began to conclude our conversation and I told her that I wished her to return to China at least once a year and I would pay as usual. There was silence at the other end of the telephone for about 30 seconds. Then I could hear my wife quietly crying thanking me very much that I did this, she hated being separated from me, however, she still loved China.

 

Members, this is what I stated above in so many points. You will never and I mean never; change your Chinese wife/husband into a stereotypical American (and I refer to as an abomination or a lie) ¡°perfect¡± relationship. The only thing that we are able to do, is to allow the initial relationship to develop, both have empathy for the other, forgive easily, take the good and the bad of both sides and recognize their viewpoints, and form a hybrid relationship. She/He has little chance of changing you, as you do of changing she/he. You are what you are. After the age of 16 to 18 years old, imprinted images and preconceived values/set standards are done. All we are able to do now: is to modify them.

 

If you cannot do this¡­then your life will be Hell! I will not name names. However, for CFL members, those are paying attention to this posting; go back to the Problems and Partings sub-forum (for guests; register, read my words, and read the same section). Isn¡¯t there a commonality among all of the postings in this section? I never prejudge anyone. However, I see the postings in the Separations forum, and I then search the member¡¯s previous postings and reread them from Day 1. I¡¯m sorry! I¡¯m shocked, and it is very hard to shock me, at what I read. These people how people make a healthy relationship? I can see the handwriting on the wall of a disaster being made.

 

I will close for now. I have had a very hard day at work that began at 0430AM and finally ended at 1830 PM.

 

I will begin again tomorrow.

 

Dave

Edited by Cerberus (see edit history)
Link to comment

I can only talk for myself, but to marry me (a chinese) means things will change. i keep this simple, yes final decision is husbands as long it agrees. Most important is harmony which means from both.

i will add you must show that your wife is # 1 most important love and that you trust her to be a chinese wife.

what does that mean, it means many things. but most important is to make good family which means you must not think to control is good. a good chinese wife knows what is right for marriage and will fight for it.

can we compromise, yes, but remember at least to me i see it takes time and alot of fun .

Link to comment

Please sign in to comment

You will be able to leave a comment after signing in



Sign In Now

×
×
  • Create New...