Way OT But Worth the Read

[Mick]

Thought I would post this, just to lighten the spirits of our readers. Although it is off topic, it does remind me of some of the things we put up with in dealing with the powers that be, both back in the Black Hole Days as well as now.

 

NTL is a British company by the way.

 

Enjoy! B)

 

You

will be laughing out loud.

 

-------------

 

Dear Cretins...

 

I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed

up for your four-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, telephone, and

alarm monitoring.

 

During this three-month period, I have encountered inadequacy of

service

which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance

and stupidity of monolithic proportions.

 

Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can

either pursue your professional prerogative and seek to rectify

these difficulties -- or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have

some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day

smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office.

 

My initial installation was canceled without warning, resulting in

my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for

your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further

57

minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more

annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful

website.

 

HOW? I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for

a few minutes -- an activity at which you are no doubt both familiar

and

highly adept.

 

The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks

later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital

tools - such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum.

 

Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After

15 telephone calls over four weeks, my modem arrived, six weeks after I

had requested it, and begun to pay for it. I estimate your Internet

server's downtime is roughly 35% -- the hours between about 6 pm and

midnight, Monday through Friday, and most of the weekend. I am still

waiting for my telephone connection.

 

I have made nine calls on my mobile to your no-help line, and

have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested

individuals who are, it seems, also highly skilled bollock jugglers. I

have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will

call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether

or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off); that I

will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an

answering

machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be

transferred to someone and then been redirected to the

irritating Scottish robot woman. And several other variations on this

theme.

 

Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at

least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also

another one of those crucially important testicle moments to attend to.

Frankly I don't care. It's far more satisfying as a customer to voice

my

frustrations in print than to shout them at your unending hold music.

Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.

 

I thought British Telecom was sh*t; that they had attained the

holy p*ss-pot of god-awful customer relations; and that no one,

anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more

obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I

chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else, is there?

 

How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my

considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower

of

b*stards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended

rectum incompetents of the highest order. BT -- wankers though they

are

-- shine like brilliant beacons of

success in the filthy mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy.

Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy

quest

to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you

cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the

services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to

deliver. Any such activity will

be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief and will quickly be

replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused rage.

 

I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my

cat's litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt

for both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they

have not become desiccated during transit -- they were satisfyingly

moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable

disappointment if you did not experience both

their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very

embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless employees.

 

Have a nice day. May it be the last in your miserable short life,

you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of

twits.

[chinadave2001]

Mick - I love it! Thank you so much for a much needed good laugh!

Dave

[Bryan_Qunying]

B)

 

Mick,

 

That was great!

 

 

Bryan

[Mick]

You can't imagine how many times I wanted to write such a letter to DOS, CA, GZ back in the Black Hole Era. Of course, I refrained. Good thing. I probably would have never received the visa and would also have surplanted Eric's picture on the dartboard.

[Bryan_Qunying]

Don,

 

I'll have to tell them you sent it!!!!! Just kidding, If the letter is deserving, then send it! The office you deal with should get all the grief you can give if they are not doing their job.

 

Bryan

 

Comcast Cable Cop! (QC Inspector)

[Patrick & Li]

LMMFAO!!!!

[AZwolfman]

This reminds me of my feelings toward our gov't during those old Black Hole Days.

[Charlotte]

Mick,

I finally got the time to read it -- had a good laugh and I have to print it out for my husband, who is of no internet personality. Thanks for sharing

 

PS: Greetings to Li and congratulations on you both. Hope she is doing fine.