Looking for advice

[NYTIMES]

Pets are great and if you ever have persian cats they are so docile and sweet. I understand that pets are not as common in China as here in America, but I went to a shelter to rescue my Sabrina who was thrown away by there previous owners, and I am not going to do this to her again. I think my lao po understands this after we had talked about it today. My stepdaughter also likes Ashley who is as sweet as can be and adorable calico persian. And by the way Crezba "these people" as you refer too is kind of negative please explain what you meant by this statement?

[Sebastian]

I say get rid of the cats. Show her it's a compromise 'topic', leading into 'sharing household expenses'.

 

I like cats, but mine live on a farm.

[usaRichard]

Also... (In my opinion only)...

 

Come on, man. That's your wife and daughter. Get rid of the cats.

 

I agree with this.

I am in the opposite situation.

 

 

As for the money .. You signed the I-864 or whichever form.

You agreed to support these people in America.

She did not sign a form saying she would support you. She married you and agreed to love you and take care of you.

 

If your in dire straits, and can't make it, then you should ask for help from her, but it is a request. She has kept her part of the agreement, she loves you and takes care of you, she is expecting you to keep your part of the agreement.

 

Support can mean something other than $, but since she is working this matter must be discussed in a calm and non confrontational way. As husband and wife they should agree on a mutual result.

I think a "true" love does not have boundary lines, respect for the other in all areas is required, but alas we are human and subject to our own shortcomings.

 

IMHO

 

Richard

[LeeFisher3]

My wife wasn't used to this idea when she first came to the US and it took a while for her to understand and trust this was true.

 

For a while my wife didn't have a job and was reluctant to spend money for anything, even things she needed. At one point she said she would pay back what was spent and I told her we spent family money for our family needs.

 

Now she has a great job and we both contribute to the family money and spend it.

 

At one point in time we discussed that she would inherit everything if I were to die and then let her know that included the family debt. Now we are on an accelerated payment plan to be debt free as soon as possible.

 

We don't have any pets, but when our son wanted to get one my wife explained she didn't want the house to smell like an animal.

[lostinblue]

My wife yan said to have her write the checks for a month to really see what goes in and out. She had a wake up call when she started to do this as far as cash flow goes in our situation.

[eseum]

My wife has her own account and we also have a joint account. She contributes one of her paychecks a month to the joint account. I handle all of the bills but have tried to make sure she understands what bills we have.

[Dennis143]

http://i37.tinypic.com/6qv3bs.jpg

[david_dawei]

Both issues; separate bank accounts and pet issues are not uncommon at all to see posted on CFL.

 

If they will peel a banana from the wrong end and count dollar bills finger to thumb... you've got to realize at some point that it's an upside down world for the two of you on some level... if you haven't realized this small indicator... maybe just get rid of the cat..... or the wife....

[jim_julian]

I try to be sensitive but I have a hard time understanding this. Any money any of us has is "our money" as long as we are in this committed marriage relationship.

 

OK ... we do have a pre-nup and many of you can cast stones at me about that but I don't see a disconnect. I have never been more in love in my life. This will go on until "death do us part".

 

If you can't share the money your relationship is not yet mature ... just my opinion, others may differ.

[david_dawei]

I try to be sensitive but I have a hard time understanding this. Any money any of us has is "our money" as long as we are in this committed marriage relationship.

 

OK ... we do have a pre-nup and many of you can cast stones at me about that but I don't see a disconnect. I have never been more in love in my life. This will go on until "death do us part".

 

If you can't share the money your relationship is not yet mature ... just my opinion, others may differ.

You understand your wife and her past accomplishments in china and her abilities... but don't seem to see the rest of china which struggles with alot less... dare I saw those who face struggles dire to desparate.

 

It's a big china and one accomplished lady is not the yardstick by which to measure the central kingdom...

 

If you cannot put yourself in the other person's position, it does little good to extol your own.

[jim_julian]

Ahhh ... thank you David ...

[Jerry & xiaomin]

 

I come complete with two cats, both front declawed, both indoor only, both very clean. I think xiaomin will tolerate them at first, and grow to love them in a short time. xiaomin wants a small dog, I'm all for this because I'm a dog lover from way back, and the cats will throw an initial hissy, but they'll be okay in a couple of weeks (cowering under the bed! LOL)

 

I assume that xiaomin and I will handle household finances together, only having joint accounts, deciding on bills together, etc... but we haven't really discussed it... Honey?

 

http://bp2.blogger.com/_DkDAmCqUUz8/R08qz-RagvI/AAAAAAAAAEw/JQxE3K9btec/s400/cat-dollars.jpg

 

[SheLikesME?]

Oh come now. Man-Up and eat the cats. It will not only get rid of a dirty animal (her ingrained deep what she is) and the expense of feeding, but it will save the cost of a meal. Geeze you people

 

PS: eating the cats puts them to good use. This way you are not turning them out in the cold. In fact your turning them in to the wormth of your belly. You are blessing them by letting them be useful to mankind. Yummy

 

PSS: Yes your Wife will LOVE YOU for making meals of the cats. I would imagine she will fix it up very tasty and think you are a wise and good provider. Also the sacrifice you made for the future and the fmaily. AMafan is right on below.

 

 

 

 

Hey I'm a cat lover over dogs. I kept one cat from my divorce back in 2005. My Mom could not stand the thing in the house when she moved in here before I met and married my Chinese wifey. So upon arrival wifey was OK with the cat outside, so we just ate Mom.

Edited August 17, 2008 by SheLikesME? (see edit history)

[A Mafan]

I see two things going here.

Speaking in *very* general terms:

1) Chinese people need savings. They like having $20k in the bank, hate paying interest on anything, and detest debt. It is likely her putting all her money into savings is just her way of building up a 'rainy day' fund.

2) Your reaction is making her feel insecure. If she thinks your reaction to money or other disputes is: "If you don't like it, hit the road!", then she will need a greater display of commitment from you to feel secure. Hence, the cats she doesn't like but is willing to tolerate become a sacrifice that shows you love her more than the cats.

[chilton747]

For what it's worth, I am expecting to experience a change in spending habits like I have never seen. Already I do not like spending money, especially on toys and luxuries. But when my wife gets here, I expect a big change in the way finances are done.

My wife grew up in rural China and her parents are rice farmers. They never had any money and ate only what they could grow and find in the forest. To this day she always compares money to food as a scale. If she wants to buy something then she figures out how much food that same money can buy and she will weigh it accordingly. I can tell you that food rates number one with her and security in old age rates number 2.

We grew up on the opposite sides of the world and food chain from each other.

When it comes to family finances, I will have to give her the lead on this and I accept that.

My advice to anyone that marries a Chinese lady is to understand that they think entirely different than we do when it comes to money. You can expect the ride of your life! B)

If you had no idea that things would turn out this way then maybe you two got together too soon.