Looking for advice

[SheLikesME?]

My advice to anyone that marries a Chinese lady is to understand that they think entirely different than we do when it comes to money. You can expect the ride of your life!

If you had no idea that things would turn out this way then maybe you two got together too soon.

 

And this can cause her to really question your love for her if she feels you are too illogical with things you want to keep in your life that cost. Illogical because it makes NO SENSE to her why any luxury like a cat is kept. Day after day she more and more sees the cats as her enemy and taking away her life possibly. A threat to the family, and lets don't forget the annoying dirt issue. Until she has been in the states for maybe a couple of years she just may not be able to comprehend keeping cats as anything but very selfish nd uncaring to her and beyond comprehension why you would be so reckless in your own personal life.

 

Our ladies seem to look at and decide on marriage in practical terms over love, even though love is usually present. She is trained to shut that down if needed for the practical life struggle. So neither can the love of a pet be comprehended by the wife over the practical things in life.

 

1st one should have a house paid for. 2nd that $20K in the bank is more like $200K with mine and a few others I have read about here. Only then can the lady take a breather, that or after she has been here over a year and she can see that those goals are steadily being worked at with an end in sight. Finally my wife has relaxed somewhat now that she sees goals met and the others well on their way.

 

Thia is all serious business with our ladies I'm afraid. Very serious stuff. I thought my wife would understand things that seem normal to me and all I know - WRONG! If I wanted to write up some things and blast my wife here in CFL, like we have seen in some divorce cases, I could. And I'm not talking any deep bad problem that is a slam dunk for divorce. I am talking emotional bonds I have had that I never thought would be that big of a deal to her. But as so many of us know it will take awhile for her to accept emotional bonds on anything or person beyond her and those in her immediate family, which includes your well being. Every expense is a threat to her nest.

 

Heck I didn't even elaborate on the dirt issue that goes from the bedroom to the kitchen. Drove me nuts at first some of the stupid things, and yet others like leaving food out just seemd crazy to me. Now she puts everything in the fridge or covers it to keep nats away or keep it from spoiling here in the South.

 

Ah and then finally she is seeing the cost of looking for the lowest cost item, is costing too much...........

 

Have fun......sorry I wrote so much.....

[chilton747]

My advice to anyone that marries a Chinese lady is to understand that they think entirely different than we do when it comes to money. You can expect the ride of your life!

If you had no idea that things would turn out this way then maybe you two got together too soon.

 

And this can cause her to really question your love for her if she feels you are too illogical with things you want to keep in your life that cost. Illogical because it makes NO SENSE to her why any luxury like a cat is kept. Day after day she more and more sees the cats as her enemy and taking away her life possibly. A threat to the family, and lets don't forget the annoying dirt issue. Until she has been in the states for maybe a couple of years she just may not be able to comprehend keeping cats as anything but very selfish nd uncaring to her and beyond comprehension why you would be so reckless in your own personal life.

 

Our ladies seem to look at and decide on marriage in practical terms over love, even though love is usually present. She is trained to shut that down if needed for the practical life struggle. So neither can the love of a pet be comprehended by the wife over the practical things in life.

 

1st one should have a house paid for. 2nd that $20K in the bank is more like $200K with mine and a few others I have read about here. Only then can the lady take a breather, that or after she has been here over a year and she can see that those goals are steadily being worked at with an end in sight. Finally my wife has relaxed somewhat now that she sees goals met and the others well on their way.

 

Thia is all serious business with our ladies I'm afraid. Very serious stuff. I thought my wife would understand things that seem normal to me and all I know - WRONG! If I wanted to write up some things and blast my wife here in CFL, like we have seen in some divorce cases, I could. And I'm not talking any deep bad problem that is a slam dunk for divorce. I am talking emotional bonds I have had that I never thought would be that big of a deal to her. But as so many of us know it will take awhile for her to accept emotional bonds on anything or person beyond her and those in her immediate family, which includes your well being. Every expense is a threat to her nest.

 

Heck I didn't even elaborate on the dirt issue that goes from the bedroom to the kitchen. Drove me nuts at first some of the stupid things, and yet others like leaving food out just seemd crazy to me. Now she puts everything in the fridge or covers it to keep nats away or keep it from spoiling here in the South.

 

Ah and then finally she is seeing the cost of looking for the lowest cost item, is costing too much...........

 

Have fun......sorry I wrote so much.....

 

 

Doug I could write all day long about what I have learned and she ain't even here yet! I like your post Doug. It really puts things in perspective. I feel like I have a head start because of my long wait.

[Stepbrow]

I Second what Chilton wrote. Thanks for the educational post.

[shushuweiwei]

At one point in time we discussed that she would inherit everything if I were to die and then let her know that included the family debt. Now we are on an accelerated payment plan to be debt free as soon as possible.

 

If you see her thumbin' through the life insurance policies after that debt is paid, you better start eating out more often!

[SheLikesME?]

Oh come now. Man-Up and eat the cats. It will not only get rid of a dirty animal (her ingrained deep what she is) and the expense of feeding, but it will save the cost of a meal. Geeze you people

 

PS: eating the cats puts them to good use. This way you are not turning them out in the cold. In fact your turning them in to the wormth of your belly. You are blessing them by letting them be useful to mankind. Yummy

 

PSS: Yes your Wife will LOVE YOU for making meals of the cats. I would imagine she will fix it up very tasty and think you are a wise and good provider. Also the sacrifice you made for the future and the fmaily. AMafan is right on below.

 

 

 

 

Hey I'm a cat lover over dogs. I kept one cat from my divorce back in 2005. My Mom could not stand the thing in the house when she moved in here before I met and married my Chinese wifey. So upon arrival wifey was OK with the cat outside, so we just ate Mom.

OK I am joking here, but in reality eating the cats would seem better in her eyes than keeping them I bet. Crazy stuff, but that is what we married. YES, like you, I told my wife of things that were the most important to me before we met. I discussed those things many times. Did it matter on her arrival? NO, not until debt free and the cash in the bank. THEN I am allowed to enjoy what I like. I have set my foot down on a few land mines since with her. It is a real negotiation and love is set aside somewhat until her goals are met first, because her goals protect and secure the future for family survival. Your not going to change her much on some points! It is too deep ingrained.

[SheLikesME?]

PS: My wife's paycheck goes into a separate account I have access to. She never remembers her access codes so I do all her banking for her. I did this on purpose to help her relax with some cash in the bank. Also I pay for everything. THIS IS SERIOUS STUFF TOO!!!! Once she had a nice wad in there she began to ease up on her nervousness. Now one school/investment loan I took out for her we did pay it off, with her money, after I had paid half of it, just to get rid of the little interest it cost. She said of course but it kind of hurt her to let it go. But she knew she would earn it back quickly and now she has more in her account than she ever had before in her life. But now she lives in expensive America.

 

Divorce word? Hey get used to it with all the mixed signals of her loving you at the same time. Again the practicality is such a high priority. She does not want to give up on her love she has for you. So do everything you can to ease her real problems in America with the practical side of life. What you and all your friends think is so unreasonable on her part is just not going to help you one bit unless your looking to divorce her and trying to save face to your friends. Like someone posted here, they peel the banana from the opposite end. Things ARE upside down. HAVE FUN, and I wish you the very best. Sorry I am blasting so much. I am preaching to myself as much as anything. The struggle isn't over.

 

 

For me personally it took paying off the second house I sold and I am owner financing to really show her how serious I was with securing our future. That loan had the highest interest. Now saving to pay off and/or sell my beloved log house. She hates the country and the old style log house. This is as bad as buying a Korean made car........because.....the Korean cars are the taxi cabs in Beijing. This is a shame to her when her educated friends come visit, or for her to report to them what she owns or lives in. They expect better of her in America. Even her sister paid more for a Nissan in China than a Hyundai.

Edited August 17, 2008 by SheLikesME? (see edit history)

[Urkidding]

At one point in time we discussed that she would inherit everything if I were to die and then let her know that included the family debt. Now we are on an accelerated payment plan to be debt free as soon as possible.

 

If you see her thumbin' through the life insurance policies after that debt is paid, you better start eating out more often!

 

That's way they say "Your worth more to me dead than alive"...

[chilton747]

 

 

OK I am joking here, but in reality eating the cats would seem better in her eyes than keeping them I bet. Crazy stuff, but that is what we married. YES, like you, I told my wife of things that were the most important to me before we met. I discussed those things many times. Did it matter on her arrival? NO, not until debt free and the cash in the bank. THEN I am allowed to enjoy what I like. I have set my foot down on a few land mines since with her. It is a real negotiation and love is set aside somewhat until her goals are met first, because her goals protect and secure the future for family survival. Your not going to change her much on some points! It is too deep ingrained.

 

So, it's fair to say she is the boss??

[chilton747]

 

 

OK I am joking here, but in reality eating the cats would seem better in her eyes than keeping them I bet. Crazy stuff, but that is what we married. YES, like you, I told my wife of things that were the most important to me before we met. I discussed those things many times. Did it matter on her arrival? NO, not until debt free and the cash in the bank. THEN I am allowed to enjoy what I like. I have set my foot down on a few land mines since with her. It is a real negotiation and love is set aside somewhat until her goals are met first, because her goals protect and secure the future for family survival. Your not going to change her much on some points! It is too deep ingrained.

 

So, it's fair to say she is the boss??

She's the boss or you're a pretty lonesone guy.

 

Doug's made a lot of really good points here. Financial security is the most important thing. Until they are comfortable, it's priority one. After that, other stuff can come into play.

 

Does their seemingly total focus on money mean they don't love you? Not necessarily. Look at what they DO; not what they say. They can be more devoted to you than your mama, but still say they want a divorce. Why the seeming contradiction? It often means they are not happy about something but don't have the means to express it.

 

YA GOTTA GET TO THE 'REAL' ISSUE. And then ya gotta deal with it.

 

As y'all know, I'm kinda partial to my cats. Tai tai knew I had 3 cats and 2 dogs when she was waiting out her visa. On webcam, I showed her pics of me holding all of them in my lap while we chatted online. My housekeeper made a calendar with pics of my cats & dogs that I took over and gave to tai tai. She always told me that she would like them very much.

 

Guess what? It didn't matter. She was at least as jealous of them as she would have been towards my sweetie on the side (if I had one). We finally came to a compromise after the dogs died from old age and I sent one of the cats to my stepson. Oh ya, my two remaining cats are banned from the house and live in the garage. Not what I'd like, and less than she'd like, but it works for us.

 

So Don has the gem been polished with friction and have you been perfected with trials? I saw a lot of wisdom in Doug's post. I fully understand that the women ARE the boss. My wife backs this up under no uncertain terms!

[chilton747]

Sometimes that friction creates a LOT of heat. But she's still here and so are the cats.

 

The funny thing is she's the one who feeds and waters them. What's up with that?

 

As long as they are alive then no worries!

[A Mafan]

Sometimes that friction creates a LOT of heat. But she's still here and so are the cats.

 

The funny thing is she's the one who feeds and waters them. What's up with that?

Because she knows you love them. This is one of the ways she shows you she loves you: doing things for you to reduce your burdens in life, that you would otherwise do.

[chilton747]

Sometimes that friction creates a LOT of heat. But she's still here and so are the cats.

 

The funny thing is she's the one who feeds and waters them. What's up with that?

Because she knows you love them. This is one of the ways she shows you she loves you: doing things for you to reduce your burdens in life, that you would otherwise do.

Could be. After all she is right there doing her share of the heavy yard work and such so "you don't get too tired". Even when I tell her to stop it, she won't.

 

On the other hand, perhaps she's just in her control mode: "don't touch them..you'll get fleas"?

 

Whatever her motive for feeding the cats, it's how it works around here.

 

Perhaps she wants you to not tire from the domestic duties so you can work and make more money?

[chilton747]

Sometimes that friction creates a LOT of heat. But she's still here and so are the cats.

 

The funny thing is she's the one who feeds and waters them. What's up with that?

Because she knows you love them. This is one of the ways she shows you she loves you: doing things for you to reduce your burdens in life, that you would otherwise do.

Could be. After all she is right there doing her share of the heavy yard work and such so "you don't get too tired". Even when I tell her to stop it, she won't.

 

On the other hand, perhaps she's just in her control mode: "don't touch them..you'll get fleas"?

 

Whatever her motive for feeding the cats, it's how it works around here.

 

Perhaps she wants you to not tire from the domestic duties so you can work and make more money?

Then why does she always tell me how much she works and how lazy I am?

 

That is her duty! She needs to keep you motivated.

[SheLikesME?]

Maybe she can regulate how much food is given to the cats (CO$T). Yes my wife bitched me out about that lake house I was fixing up to sell. Then she came and worked her ass off.

 

Maybe the final solution is to eat the wife.

 

 

 

 

 

You know I did regret some of that long post... or two, last night. But OK it is there.

 

Now regarding who wears the pance/pants. She wants me to be a man and lead and make wise decisions to TAKE CARE OF HER and relieve her mental/emotional burden. She wants me to read her mind about everything and act accordingly. I am suppose to notice her every mood and understand why. A lot of that is impossible of course. I must keep my mind on work to make the $$. It gets crazy when she is being unreasonable. I am in Houston again. I got a hotel cheaper and in much better shape than the last visit when she was with me. When I told her I was trying better hotels, for next time she visits with me, near Chinatoown she exploded. She does not care to be near Chintown. You see I was suppose to understand that since the food was not as good last time, and her permanent didn't come out as good as she hoped, I AM SUPPOSE TO UNDERSTAND she does not want to hotel near that section of town next time.

 

You can't win. Just love them. Heck I probably got her in this state by ignoring her for a week. Well that didn't work

Edited August 19, 2008 by SheLikesME? (see edit history)

[JimS.]

I have 3 cats, 3 birds and a dog. I have talked to her about all expect the birds and shown her pics of them. She says "no problem" but what I hear is no problem for the dog..lol She also what's a small dog, what is up with that.

She also leaves food out and uncovered expect for the rice. I started by putting lids on top of the dishes. Then I bought some containers for the food. I move some to the frig when she is busy with something else

Hmm the money thing, Yes they have a goal and you better be on board for it. As many have already said, they will set aside love to meet their goal. My Liangliang's goal is to pay off her mothers house in 2 years. Then we have a place for us when we visit China she says. But it really is about taking care of mother. I know this and help her with her goal, after all she has drop everything to come be with me here in UAE and we aren't even married yet. We talked about this before she came over. I thought that I had allotted enough monies for this and for my goal of paying off some debits early as well. Nope I was wrong She said she loved me but she must pay off house in 2 years. if we couldn't agree on this then she would go back to China so she could work. This to her is the most important thing in her life right now, even tho she loves me, nothing will get in the way of this goal. I wanted to buy a few things for the apartment here. Some of them are cheap things, cordless phone, a better wireless router. But she says "no need" this means "you better not waste money on that"