Differences of opinion on Candle

[PJ]

All,

 

Okay, I've kept quiet on the subject, and tried to stay out of this. However, I would like to share my thoughts, especially as they pertain to the initial purpose and intention of Candle.

 

First, I have noticed that wherever OF posts, there is a stir of controversy and arguments following shortly thereafter. I may not be the best person at following trends, (heck I still listen to 80s music sometimes) but this seems to be a pretty clear trend to me.

 

Also, I would like to state that I personally disagree with OFs statements and views. I feel that they are offensive, close-minded, and not very tolerant.

 

Believe me, after I read some of his statements, my first instinct was to ban. Even his Candle ID seems intended to provoke an argument. I had to step away and give it some thought.

 

That being said, I do respect his right to share his thoughts and views, even if I do not agree. We have seen our share of 'trolls', passerbys who just want to stir up trouble. I recently had to delete a member who was writing obscene and threatening messages to other members here, and was not interested in sharing any ideas, probably wasn't even involved with any relationship, only interested in cursing at others.

 

OF has not done any of that, and has posted his thoughts which are relevant to immigration and relationships between U.S. and Chinese people. Again, I am not agreeing with or endorsing his views. I do not agree with his statements, but I respect his right to state them.

 

If he were a troll, or a teen-ager looking to stir up trouble (as has been suggested to me), he would have had to do quite a bit of research about the U.S. immigration process.

 

I know that many of OFs statements have upset many of us, but I hope that we will allow debate and differences of opinion, and still maintain a positive environment.

 

OF, although I cannot tell you what to do, I just hope you will be more considerate of other people's feelings and please think before you post.

 

Thanks,

 

P.J.

[robhon]

If I could add a little something to those thoughts...

 

Having different opinions is a wonderful thing, even when it sometimes comes across as offensive. If we have a visceral reaction to what someone says, wow!, what a great opportunity to learn something about ourselves!!

[chinadave2001]

I agree with you to a point, PJ. We can and have disagreed about many things - how to best attack the problem, who is really to blame etc. But if this person continues to suggest that Chinese wives are only in for the money, whether joking, being saracstic, or whatever, he can expect a strongly worded response from those that are offended by such a suggestion. Freedom of speech benefits all - but cuts both ways.

Dave

[Dave G.]

I agree with you to a point, PJ.

Wow...two replies into the thread and we already have a disagreement. Poignantly ironic, wouldn't you agree? Or, do you disagree? Do you want to take this outside?

 

Seriously, Dave makes a good point. I know I've bit on things I should have let go. But, when someone unjustly demeans my fiancee (or others for that matter) and/or gets personal with me, it sometimes calls for a response. Call it chivalry for the one we love or call it ego. Maybe a little of both. I trust most on this site are sincere in thought and feeling. I'm learning who is questionable and try to stay clear. That's about the best I can do.

 

Cheers!

[Joseph-1]

While I am not aware of who O.F. is,since I have not posted in a while. I have seen some of the negative aspects of the Chinese personality. My wife can really bite like a mad sow when she decides to be mean. I sometimes regret having put so much of my life into helping someone who obviously dosent value any of it. It has caused me a lot of grief and looks like it will continue to do so. I truly hope that Im just depressed or lacking in perspective,but I cant say that Ive not been used. Lord I hope Im Wrong.

[Guest R2D2]

While I am not aware of who O.F. is,since I have not posted in a while. I have seen some of the negative aspects of the Chinese personality. My wife can really bite like a mad sow when she decides to be mean. I sometimes regret having put so much of my life into helping someone who obviously dosent value any of it. It has caused me a lot of grief and looks like it will continue to do so. I truly hope that Im just depressed or lacking in perspective,but I cant say that Ive not been used. Lord I hope Im Wrong.

Joseph, good to see you here. Wish things were going better for you by the sounds of it. Women are women everywhere and men are men everywhere. Each has a different personality and is different. Some people are good, some are bad. The only thing that is a constant, as us old cowboys used to say, is that there are two types of people in the world-good people and bad people. I am sure you picked a good woman and you just need to work out the newness and growing pains. You both have to adjust. She has more adjustments to make than you, so be considerate and understanding. Bring her to the board here to meet new friends. She can talk to the gals here and I am sure that they can help with the adjustment... take a breath, relax, and get her involved. She just might need friends she can talk things through in her language.

[Guest R2D2]

On topic - translation, without the bull shit, If you are going to be insulted by personal attacks and dishonesty, then don't post here anymore. Maintain the board for the troublemakers. Anyone else does not wish to be insulted.....

[PJ]

Jim,

 

I am sorry you feel that way. I hope you will see from my perspective that running a board is not easy. If I censor something, I get insulted and attacked for not preserving freedom of speech. If I do not censor something, I get insulted and attacked for "maintaining the board for troublemakers".

 

Believe me, there have been times for reasons such as this that I have wanted to just shut down the Candle board. But I would like to believe that it has helped people through difficult times. I know it has helped me, and I hope there are others that feel the same.

 

Maybe I am foolish and naive. After all, I am 24, and am often immature and lack wisdom and worldliness. But all I can do is the best given my current knowledge. I do my best to make the most honest decision I can at the time, trying to help as many people as I can. And if you, or any others do not feel that this is enough, please cast your stones now. But before you cast your stones, I hope you will take a good honest look into your soul and ask yourself, "is it easier for me to sit back here and throw? Have I always done my best to help others through this situation? Am I completely without sin?" After you answer those questions, throw freely.

 

P.J.

[robhon]

A few years ago a friend of mine said something to me that has stuck with me ever since. I was complaining about something someone was doing that was making me feel bad (or angry or frustrated, can't remember). My friend asked me, "And just how did this person 'make' you feel that way?"

 

I was taken back a bit. "Well, he did..." this that and the other.

 

"And what about that forced you to feel this way?" he asked again. I was at a loss for words and asked what he was getting at.

 

My friend went on to suggest to me that I'm not obligated to feel any particular way about anything anyone says. If I feel something as a response to someone's words, that's all about me! And the best part about it is, I actually have control over that! I don't have any control over what someone else says. I do have control over how I feel and respond.

 

jade_yan and I had a little feud going a week or so ago. I think I misconstrued some things she said and she didn't like some things I'd posted. (etc.) The worst part of the whole episode, in my mind, was that the way we were both acting was causing both of us not to be heard. I didn't see jade_yan here for several days and I was genuinely concerned that she'd left the site. I think that would have been a tragedy. (I'm really glad you're back!)

 

If AOF is genuinely in the process of bringing someone over from China then he deserves to be here, regardless of what people think of his viewpoints. The world is full of AOF's. There's no reason we shouldn't have one here too!

 

To add to that, I think AOF's comments spark controversy for a reason. It's because there are many people who have similar opinions when they see Chinese/American couples. If we just automatically turn the topic into a bloody brawl we miss the opportunity to discuss an important issue.

 

One last thing, I'm still waiting to hear what happened with donahso's standing bet about AOF's timeline. Unpopular ideas are one thing. Being a lying bastard is another. I DON'T think the site needs anyone who is contributing false information.

[Guest jade_yan]

I agree. false information about one's life experiences, which we have all seen here, is a little sad or amusing depending on one's perspective, but its just puffery. false information about the visa process borders on cruelty because it can cause confusion, false expectations or unnecessary anxiety.

 

Don's bet has been ignored up to this point, it seems. If the timeline was accurate, why not take the $100? I got a NOA 1 on july 7, whats that worth, 2 cents? hehe

[PJ]

Rob,

 

Thank you for your very well thought out and balanced message. I also agree with your assessment that as long as AOF is actually in the process like others here and honest about his information, then he is welcome here.

 

Jim,

 

Sorry about the aggressive reaction. I do respect you and hope that you will continue sharing your knowledge and insight with all of us.

[Guest R2D2]

When one or two people stifle postings, that injures not only the board but those of us that have put in a lot of sweat and tears in developing this board. If that is your response, as a 24 yr old, then that is your response. A number of people have brought this to you attention but this is your response? Shame on you....

[Dave G.]

Anyone else notice the number of views? The confrontational threads become "hot topics" in no time. I think that kind-of makes the point that some might stir the pot to get a reaction. But, we all get involved, passively or actively. Compelling, isn't it? When I've gotten sucked in, I've been pissed. When not, I'm rather entertained by others getting pissed. I offer this tidbit only to do as Jefferson said...count to ten, if not also to a hundred, before reacting. If you get to a hundred and still have a strong feeling, then by all means post. As jade-yan recently said, don't go fishing and certainly don't get reeled in either.

 

 

 

[Guest jade_yan]

as someone said, if you're afraid to fry, dont get in the pan. Ok, Ok, I couldnt resist it. I guess i cannot check my sense of humor at the door.

[Calvin]

Let's make love, not war!

 

If you think OF is just a trouble maker, a kid, etc. who tries to stir up trouble or disrupt the harmony between the members in this forum, ignore him. He will go away when noone wants to play his game.

 

Do not let him put you on a defensive on what you believe is true/untrue. You are playing his game if you do.

 

Have a quality time with your loved one instead, why with OF?

 

I think OF is enjoying himself at this very moment watching what is going here. OF will always be an OF, breaking wind wherever he goes. Why put yourself in his stink if you believe that is so?