What is the expectations of a Step Father

[ameriken]

Thomas, I too am a stepfather from my first marriage and can give you my own view.

 

But my advice may not matter. Whether it is good advice or not, everything you do and dont do with her son will be judged by what Lihua expects and what her definition of a good stepfather is.

 

You can follow everything we say, and it could be the best advice in the world, but if it does not meet her expectations, then your attempts at stepfathering will be futile, unless she completely respects and trusts you and what you do.

 

I think the important question is this: what does Lihua expect? Does she trust you enough to give you the freedom to stepfather in the manner you are capable of, and the way you see best?

[Thomas Promise]

I understand in Chinese Culture Chinese families are expected to help support their children all the way through adult life. I have heard this story just yesterday. This would include buying a home for the child when he/she gets married and as well as helping grandchildren with expenses such as college and so forth.

It is true that I have helped my kids since they have been young adults now and then. Because they are helping themselves first. However buying and paying for a home for them as well as my Grandchildren future expenses is going against my beliefs. I figure if you start doing something like this now it will never stop. They will become a financial drain on you and never really have the motivation to succeed in life on their own.

[Guest pushbrk]

I understand in Chinese Culture Chinese families are expected to help support their children all the way through adult life. I have heard this story just yesterday. This would include buying a home for the child when he/she gets married and as well as helping grandchildren with expenses such as college and so forth.

It is true that I have helped my kids since they have been young adults now and then. Because they are helping themselves first. However buying and paying for a home for them as well as my Grandchildren future expenses is going against my beliefs. I figure if you start doing something like this now it will never stop. They will become a financial drain on you and never really have the motivation to succeed in life on their own.

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The other side of this "support" coin in Chinese culture is the filial responsibility of the children to support the parents in their later years.

 

All of us with step-children will need to address how we will strike an agreeable balance between the cultures in this case. Since most of our Chinese step-children will likely assimilate into American culture and careers, Thomas and Lihua's situation will be in the minority.

 

If there IS an expectation to provide significant financial support to children, the Chinese spouse will need to gain an understanding that, in China, a parent may have been expecting and PLANNING FOR such support but the USA spouse has not. We've been planning to support ourselves in our retirement, rather than relying on our children to do so. As such, most cases will require compromise, unless the Chinese spouse has already adjusted their thinking in the process of seeking a Western spouse and leaving China.

Edited May 6, 2006 by pushbrk (see edit history)

[LeeFisher3]

This is definitely a cultural difference between East and West.

 

In China, when a son gets married, his family picks up the tab for the wedding and all related expenses including providing the newlywed couple a furnished home. My wifes brother is doing this now and the home he purchased them is what would be considered a starter home and will cost him around $7,000 US. The house is the major expense involved in the marriage from what I understand. It is by no means the type of house a young married could in the US would think proper, it is basically the size of a small one bedroom apartment in the US.

 

Now in the US, family of the bride pays for the wedding and wedding expenses. It is not uncommon to hear of people paying $100,000 US for a large wedding and everything related.

 

In the both countries paying for a college education is a pretty significant thing, the advantage that is often seen in the US is that the college student has the availability to getting a job, scholarships, financial aid and government guaranteed loans.

 

While in China the options are extremely limited, part-time jobs for college students are close to non-existent and if a child is destined for college the family works hard to support the child so they can make a better life for themselves, with the hope and expectation that they child will help to make life better for the family in the future.

 

As it stands, in both cultures, families will usually help their children get on their feet to have a better opportunity than that of the parents. Call it an investment for the future and remember not all investments pay off in hard currency and in some cases you take a loss.

 

How we adjust to the differences in culture will differ in every case, some will embrace the needs of the family and others will not. But then this has less to do with culture than belief structure and values because we see the same thing with couples in the US who remarry, sometimes the step-children receive the full benefit of being part of the family while in others they are considered excess baggage that the wife brought into the marriage.

[ptcrusier333rph]

my step son already calling me father and dad in english, as far as my wife is concern our son is my too in blood, she never seen her son open up to a man as he does to me. first time we meet he had to take a nap, and his mom lay down with him toput him to sleep, he climb out of the bed and grab my hand and pull me to the bed to lay with them both. my wife cried for an hour and the feeling i had in my heart was something i hope to never lose.

 

i'm adopting him as soon as I can, as far as i'm concern he my first born.

oh and he 4 years old andlearning english.

 

robert

[Thomas Promise]

my step son already calling me father and dad in english, as far as my wife is concern our son is my too in blood, she never seen her son open up to a man as he does to me. first time we meet he had to take a nap, and his mom lay down with him toput him to sleep, he climb out of the bed and grab my hand and pull me to the bed to lay with them both. my wife cried for an hour and the feeling i had in my heart was something i hope to never lose.

 

i'm adopting him as soon as I can, as far as i'm concern he my first born.

oh and he 4 years old andlearning english.

 

robert

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Very loving, nice and caring post PT.

[SmilingAsia]

I have spoiled my daughter and I think she would say:

1. You don't touch my mother if you don't buy me chocolates-

2. You stay away from my mother if you don't buy her a dream.

[Chad]

my step son already calling me father and dad in english, as far as my wife is concern our son is my too in blood, she never seen her son open up to a man as he does to me. first time we meet he had to take a nap, and his mom lay down with him toput him to sleep, he climb out of the bed and grab my hand and pull me to the bed to lay with them both. my wife cried for an hour and the feeling i had in my heart was something i hope to never lose.

 

i'm adopting him as soon as I can, as far as i'm concern he my first born.

oh and he 4 years old andlearning english.

 

robert

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This is almost my relationship with my wifes child. The diffe3rence being I have a 5 year old step-daughter. She calls me daddy, I was leary of this at first. I did not want to disrespect her ex in anyway so I had her call me daddychad, that didn last very long at all. Haha! Being called daddy for the first time, WOW! This little girl is my daughter. She always saves me chocolatte when I am not there. She asks Laopo when they can go back to airport to get me again, (which breaks my heart). She tries to teach me chinese, points at the character and looks at me then tell me what it means and waits for me to repeat. She makes my wife call me when she learns a new english word or phrase in school to tell me. This Dad stuff is awesome!

 

To answer the original question, I have no clue. I am just playing it be ear and gonna go with what Laopo says. Although I have not seen any occasion to which discipline was need we agreed I would not do it. Mainly because I am new and want her to get to know me really well. This makes it easy on me, I dont think i could discipline that little girl! I turn to puddy when she looks at me.

[jim_julian]

Chad, your sensitivity will see you through.

Edited May 8, 2006 by jim_julian (see edit history)