Why would a Chinese husband loose love.....

[m-coon]

Hi,

 

This has always bothered me. Perhaps some of you can shed some light on this.....

 

Let me lay out the picture, then I will ask my question:

My new Chinese wife "Dan" was previously married and has long been divorced. She had given her first husband a son. This son is now 22. The ex-husband re-married when he divorced my wife. Then his new wife also gave him a son.

 

What I cannot understand is WHY this man - basically lost all interest and love for his first born son (by my wife) when he was given another son (by his new wife)???????????

 

I just can't understand why a Chinese man - who supposedly LIVE to have a son - would loose all love and interest in his first born son when he was given a second son by his new wife?

 

Can some of you Chinese ladies please try to explain how this can be? Is it because the first son was birthed by the ex-wife?

 

I want to understand this so that I can better deal with this situation - So I can better relate to this boy and my new wife.

 

Thanks,

Scott

[Joanne]

I don't know, scott. I think you have to ask a man like her ex- to answer this question.

[ptcrusier333rph]

not a woman, but my SO son's father want no part of him, will not even acknowledge that he has a child, he show up once this summer and wean out 1000 dollar from my SO mother by stringing her along with thoughts of marrying her daughter. Then left never even allow his son to call him father.

one person told me that because they was not married and he consider him not his.

My SO seem shock that I consider her son my own and 1st born, I may not be the biological father but in everything else he is my son.

 

Just show your SO how good a father you are forget about ex, anyone not wanting to take resposibilty for loving thier children have no pity from me or respect.

 

Robert

[m-coon]

not  a woman, but my SO son's father want no part of him, will not even acknowledge that he has a child, he show up once this summer and wean out 1000 dollar from my SO mother by stringing her along with thoughts of marrying her daughter. Then left never even allow his son to call him father.

one person told me that because they was not married and he consider him not his.

My SO seem shock that I consider her son my own and 1st born, I may not be the biological father but in everything else he is my son.

 

Just show your SO how good a father you are forget about ex, anyone not wanting to take resposibilty for loving thier children have no pity from me or respect.

 

Robert

169767[/snapback]

My wife breaks out in tears everytime I do something good for him! Or if I even say "that I will always provide for him" - she always cries. She says nobody has ever been so good to her in her entire life. I am very glad to take him as my son - and am very proud of him. But I just wish I understood the thinking that is going on inside the ex's head on this matter.

I intend (well my wife and I) to apply for a visa for him as soon as she gets to the USA. I know it takes many many years - but I do want what is best for him and now this seems to be to get him here to be with her and to have a better future.

It is a shame he has to live in China without his mother (soon) and has no father to call on there - Got to get him out of there.

Scott

[Joanne]

not  a woman, but my SO son's father want no part of him, will not even acknowledge that he has a child, he show up once this summer and wean out 1000 dollar from my SO mother by stringing her along with thoughts of marrying her daughter. Then left never even allow his son to call him father.

one person told me that because they was not married and he consider him not his.

My SO seem shock that I consider her son my own and 1st born, I may not be the biological father but in everything else he is my son.

 

Just show your SO how good a father you are forget about ex, anyone not wanting to take resposibilty for loving thier children have no pity from me or respect.

 

Robert

169767[/snapback]

My wife breaks out in tears everytime I do something good for him! Or if I even say "that I will always provide for him" - she always cries. She says nobody has ever been so good to her in her entire life. I am very glad to take him as my son - and am very proud of him. But I just wish I understood the thinking that is going on inside the ex's head on this matter.

I intend (well my wife and I) to apply for a visa for him as soon as she gets to the USA. I know it takes many many years - but I do want what is best for him and now this seems to be to get him here to be with her and to have a better future.

It is a shame he has to live in China without his mother (soon) and has no father to call on there - Got to get him out of there.

Scott

169771[/snapback]

Scott, you are a person with a "good heart".

[drive_75]

It is part of the culture and difficult to understand. The father doesn't want the mother so he doesn't want the child either. He see them as one. There is no benifit for him to love his other son since he doesn't know if the son will love him back or provide for him in the future. Chinese is about "Quid Pro Quo". There must be some benefit for them or they just won't do anything for other. I don't know how to really explain. This is not true for all father but fairly common in China and most part of Asia.

[SheLikesME?]

A related topic is the number one question asked of me by women all accross China when I was listed in ChinaLoveLink web site: "Do you beat your wife?"

 

Any beating is not very often it seems but a significant persentage of Chinese men seem to be very cold and treat the women as chattle. It can really damage a woman to have to be with a man day in and day out who has no love or affection. I am so surprised at how resiliant these ladies are and how they know in their heart how it should be.

 

My wife's young daughter's father has remarried and has a son now. I was told that he said my wife is a good enough mother for both parents roles. So he has nothing to do with his daughter either. Aparantly a very cold man.

 

1st of all my wife says she melts in my love for her.

2nd she loves and told all her family how I told her of my thoughts and feelings about her daughter. Just that little bit meant so much to her. She watches when we do something together. I have been VERY careful to not get too close to her daughter, just easing into this. Even her daughter is responding to me stronger than I expected.

 

There is also the cultural self discipline. Extended periods of seperation are just acepted, as needed.

[Joanne]

A related topic is the number one question asked of me by women all accross China when I was listed in ChinaLoveLink web site: "Do you beat your wife?"

...

169801[/snapback]

I think the reason they asked this question is not because they have been beaten by ex-, but because they heard horrible stories about Chinese women married to abusive American husbands. The soup is spoiled by one bad tomato, or egg, or whatever.(Don't remember the origianl saying. )

[se_lang]

A related topic is the number one question asked of me by women all accross China when I was listed in ChinaLoveLink web site: "Do you beat your wife?"

...

169801[/snapback]

I think the reason they asked this question is not because they have been beaten by ex-, but because they heard horrible stories about Chinese women married to abusive American husbands. The soup is spoiled by one bad tomato, or egg, or whatever.(Don't remember the origianl saying. )

169807[/snapback]

I think the Jackson 5 said it best " One bad apple don't spoil the whole bunch girl"

[Guest ShaQuaNew]

Scott,

 

most of us will always wonder why and how a parent can ever stop caring for their child. The wounds are deep when parent does this. The best thing one can do is be there to fill the void created.....

[awch]

I don't have an answer for why this happens but it is something that I have also seen in China. My husband's cousin was in the same situation- when his parents divorced, both his parents found new spouses and had new children (step-children). My husband's cousin was basically abandoned until his grandparents took him in.

 

The only thing I can say is that is must be a part of Chinese culture.

[david_dawei]

It is part of the culture and difficult to understand.  The father doesn't want the mother so he doesn't want the child either.  He see them as one.  There is no benifit for him to love his other son since he doesn't know if the son will love him back or provide for him in the future.  Chinese is about "Quid Pro Quo".  There must be some benefit for them or they just won't do anything for other.  I don't know how to really explain.  This is not true for all father but fairly common in China and most part of Asia.

169798[/snapback]

I agree...

 

I think people have shared a similar experience with their SOs.. not wanting to associate with something from the past since it is a reminder of something [negative]...

[Joanne]

This is why I always felt deeply touched when I read your (the majority of male CFL members') affectionate notes about your stepchildren.

[warpedbored]

Certainly there are some cultural differences in how Chinese men relate to wives and children but I think some of you are painting Chinese men with a very wide brush. My brother in law is one of the kindest gentlest people I know and he treats his wife very well.

 

My wife's ex went on to marry and had a second son. Because of the one child policy the second son pretty much strapped him financially. Also he didn't pay the meager child support he did have regularly and was not much of a part of the boys life growing up. Recently though now that the boy is 22 he has stepped up to the plate and is helping some with his college education. All of this being said, how many of you know an american man or woman for that matter that is a dead beat parent? My own brother whom I love but don't respect has 7 children by 4 different women and owes 10s of thousands in back child support.

[Guest ShaQuaNew]

I think Carl's observation of the broad brush is a good one. Though I don't know a great deal of the Chinese culture because I grew up in the US, I did observe a caring and loving people while I was there. I would venture to say that the people there are much the same as here in that there are some Americans that love their children and take responsibility for their upbringing. Equally, there are a good many that are dysfunctional and treat their children in a manner that many of us would consider despicable.